8/11/2016

i want something electric, so vivid and blinding that it leaves an imprint in my vision like walking into a dark room after being in the sun
i want passion so rare it leaves me foraging for whatever's left of me by the time you're gone
i want to speed down the coastline [evolved yet unchanged]
i don't know how to unglue myself from what you are
maybe i'll keep giving into the callousness in my heart that's been growing like a cancer since the first betrayal
you've used those lines before
they're carved in me with lingering pains that things are an illusion and i'm here to boost your ego
i've played this game long enough to know who the bad guys are
but what if i'm the bad guy for escaping something stable and unwavering
for a toxic replacement
[albeit you're pretty easy on the eyes]
teeter-tottering between saying something and actually doing it
my soul on a string like a tether ball where the players are you versus everyone else
and you say one thing
one tiny, insincere affirmation
my mind goes around the pole in circles until it's completely wrapped around the edges the way you have me singled around your rough fingers
creating knots out of my insides
yet all of your red flags fly violently
so i swing the other direction
loosening at the peak before you come back around and hold me like a child again
a vicious cycle
dangling a dangerous scenario in front of me like an animal eyeing food until it's clawing at your leg to rip it from your hands with their bare teeth
even in my fair share of evenings i was better off not having, you're miles ahead
pretending to be big kids an adult's world
and my mind goes miles a minute at the thoughts
you're not helping slow it down
you are no more an animal than i

Also: I feel ******* sick. Not physically. Although: sometimes the pit in my stomach feels like the point of this lose's impact.

Actually:  this feels incredibly age appropriate.

Also: I don't define myself by what I don't like. People know what I like. And that's love and poetry and lipy kisses and the final season of Girls and volunteering.

Actually:  when you said the word "actually" after anything positive or interesting, it made me feel like you defined yourself by what you didn't like and since we met, things got so good for you that you were pleasantly surprised by a constant string of nice things you started to see again (or maybe only started seeing for the first time).

Also: now that it's over, I wonder how often you say "actually."

Actually: I'm half freaked half stoked to see you Friday night.

Also: I keep searching for the perfect song to send to you that communicates exactly how I feel; mainly because we aren't talking right now and I've gotten so used to secretly coded  artistic messaging doing all of my talking for me. Something by Lucy Rose, I think.

Actually: I'm afraid to reach out too soon because I don't want to admit I want you and also I don't want to give you false hope.

Also: I think about you constantly. And also you constantly.

Actually: I killed it way too soon and started something new so fast that my head is spinning and all I really want is to say sorry to your bottom lip for my absence.

Also: I feel immense guilt.

Actually: that bottom lip I want to apologize to for my absence, I also need to apologize to for making stick out when your face was that red and your cheeks that wet. Because making you cry. Those eyes. Those sounds. ****! I'm sorry I ever made you cry. I'm so sorry. Please never cry. Never cry. Please.

Also:  I don't ever want the cotton of my shoulder to be so saturated.

Actually: I made a decision based on my gut that had me sure of myself for the 3 weeks leading to my birthday and now 2 weeks since my birthday, I can't find the security in my gut.

Also: 30 doesn't feel more secure at all.

Actually: I need space but I haven't been able to count on myself to create it.

Also: I'm super worried these feelings won't die because, even though I both do and don't want them to, I know they need to to make these feelings grow.

Actually: I know I said I was up for the gamble. And we really just might win it all. But I might also lose it all.

Also: I think I'm exactly where I am supposed to be in my socialization.

Actually: **** makes me paranoid and ***** makes me feel fat but sleep and cardio and water and caffeine make me feel ******* good.

Also: not a huge fan of raw fish that isn't tuna. Also: **** seaweed salad.

Actually: I just want to be the best version of myself. Character matters. I'm gaining experience. I want **** to be easy. It's not and won't be. And that's fine. I just don't want to hurt anyone. I want to search and feel and taste and

Make love
love
love.

Please be strong; Please be brave,
You never told me
You wouldn't stay.

Why get invested
When it all disappears,
Why even stay?
What's the point to being here?

I am strong,
I am brave.
No one said
I had to stay,

But I will stay,
Because staying
Was my intention
All this time.

I will not leave,
That type of life
Just doesn't suit me.

I know at times,
I'm one for strife,
But I'm going to be here
With you, for life.

this filth which I can't for the life of me
rinse away
it stays with me like a scar
public shame to suffocate my progress

in this heart of mine
which looks best when it's broken
if you put your hand out you may find love
in these thorns which stole the space

when lips which don't belong to me
forget their rhythm
their words are laid bare
stripped of alternate interpretation

the skin I live in
the only home to shelter
these worries
like planets in a protective galaxy

inside this independence
when you're happy it's called solitude
and when you're sad it's loneliness
a space so familiar and yet
I'm afraid to enter

to realize I left my shadow
in the sunlight
every second my pillow denies
me sleep
sadness creeps further into the scene

a version of me which doesn't
deserve such devotion
a mask of filth I've worn too long
convincing the world there's nothing to see
convincing me it's a losing battle
when there was never a war to begin with
that these tears are permanent rain
when there isn't a cloud in the sky

just a dawn waiting to inspire the day
a simple future dancing to its own harmony

Grace Sparks

It's time to untangle
All of the doubts that keep me down
It's time to let go of the pain, the past
All that makes me cry
It's time to venture out
To where I'll grow and learn to soar

Surely I won't miss out
All that you've planned, the best for me
I'm singing out loud, the songs of faith
Let it resound
Sunrise is calling out, “The night has gone
It’s the end of fear!”

En-route to win
Swinging through the wind
In the freedom of Christ my King

Your loving grace sparks
Like a thousand northern lights
So I won't be lost
When you are my guide
(Jesus, you are my guide)

Fuelled by Your perfect love
I’m moving up, moving up
Burden-free and ready to take off
I'm rising up, rising up

"Dreams" he said, "I want you to write about your dreams"
I watched his expression full face, talk with his usual infectious vibrancy...
candle flickering, between belly laughs, raw unscripted stories, uncensored truth and the feeling of complete freedom to be human, his pouring over the brim life experiences..dripped from his fingertips as he spoke with his hands.
I'm Lucky. I thought. As I sat there, sinking into his words and gentle loving soul.
Just to simply know him, to hear of his adventures, heartbreaks, falls and climb to the top of life's list of goals and successes.
So I meditated on this writing assignment...for weeks.
I've written of Love, Loss, Heartache and Regrets.
But Dreams...I've yet to fall into ink drenching grains of paper and be completely free of the ever ticking time...to do just that... Dream.

You're gonna find people you'll miss
People who make your bones ache when they are gone
People who make you feel at home even when you're a 1000 miles away
They're gonna show you how to grow flowers in the middle of January
Smile lines will tattoo themselves onto your face
You'll forget about the darkness behind you
Focusing on the sunrise in front of you
Don't worry about temporary people because no matter where you go
**You're gonna find people you'll miss