writing in fugue states
distress, take me
and give me dizziness
only to see black
what mistake
made me so
today, was too late
that i should have noticed before

the body falters

I've been so lonely
as of late.
I set out to
create a mate.
Oh, who am I
kidding, I'm not
a poet, I'm a doctor,
truth be told,
more of an alchemist.
Going to graveyards
for body parts, all
in the name of
science, I swear....
to create life....boy did
I **** this one up
royally.

You took my  broken heart  into your hands
And tore it into billion pieces
You see the tears that  fall from my face, and
the screams that come out of my mouth
But you didn't care.
U just laughed at me
Because you know in this battle you´ve won.
You fooled me down to the nit and gritty,
Even when I knew you were just using me,
You threw my tore up, bleeding heart on the cold, hard pavement
And left without saying a word
Leaving me there to die alone

Are children smarter?
They often are enrolled in laughter.
Are babies geniuses?
They smile when they see different faces.
So is it smart to be joyful?
And stupid to be down and dull?
I like to believe so.
That we are sad when we need to be and let go.
Then, grow out of our mistakes and learn to walk.
We will make many mistakes before we can fluently talk.
It's not wrong to be wrong.
It might take us very long...
But eventually, we will run and not stroll.
We will easily be able to climb to any goal.
Just don't expect to run before you can stand.
Don't think you can draw when you've an inexperienced hand.
We must learn with the years.
Not always with laughter, but also tears.
We have been given more than a day...
To walk all this way.
Stand up when you fall.
When you can't, reach out or call.
People want to help, many do.
But we have all been lied to...
We have become so suspicious of strangers...
We make up all these scenarios and dangers...
We make it harder...
And people respond colder...
We think we protect...
But what do we really select?
We choose to be hard.
Cold, so we don't shard.
But... when we bend with what we can't change...
We widen our abilities and range...
We actually become better.
And even if it feels like we shatter...
We actually turn stronger than before.
We are softer but hard to the core.
We let people say hurtful things...
But we stay who we are and grow wings.
We stay quiet cuz that way they won't be able to reply.
We tell the truth, so people can rely.
We stand our ground when people go too far.
But we don't start a war.
There is a limit when people gotta back down.
They can't take your house when they have the whole town...
But yes...
Sometimes giving up the good for the great is best...
We sometimes go from ***** to grand.
And we don't always understand.
I don't think it's always necessary.
We might think it's unpleasant and scary.
But knowing everything has been impossible since the beginning.
The truth does sometimes takes away our singing.
The more you know, the more you carry.
But building on the hard truth is much better than...
Building on pillars of salt and sand...
We wilt if we don't grow...
So let's hug ourselves and be happy now.

I am the conduit
When feelings hit, they strike deep
Like lightning, unfathomable strength More fleeting than the jaded moments
It comes to fade like shallow breaths
But the scars remain
Reminding me of a forever, lost

Misspelled shadows
A creeping psalm of hope
I am the line crossed
I am the light lost
I am the entity that can't be found
Scorned by solemn apathy
I become the withered and unbound

Ransom unjust fate
Just to feel okay by yourself
You are the silence I seek
Courageous and unfettered by longing
My love seethes in empty corridors
Wandering past each frame of mind
Doorways leading to crippled lines

Threads unjust, no beginning or end
This woven featurette is yours to weep
Watch me dance hollowly on screen
Stepping over each piece of glass
Like the ghostly waltz of yesteryear
Find me there, underneath the crown of hate

I am the conduit
I am the fateless misery you strive to hate
Strike me down, fell my cause
Bring me to my knees
Misery seems to be my favorite mistake
The taste of your lips a listless waste

A Poetic Apology
Because doing this is easier than making up for the mistakes I made

To whomever it may concern,
I wish to grant my deepest apology for whatever it may be that you think I may have done
Although I will deny that I did it
And if i did do it
Than I had done it for a good reason
Please know that I will halfheartedly take any responsibility
This way I only have to feel half as guilty

I will try my best to make up a long list of things that I will try to change about myself
Even though I will not actually try to do them
But, if you ever bring this up to me I will remind you that these things take time

I will be trying to work on myself
As I do nothing at all
And I will be trying to improve my relationships
As I deny any wrongdoing
Watch as I fix my flaws
Without doing any self reflection

For those who do not accept my apology
I will be calling you heartless cowards
I will rake your name though the muck
I will burn down the house that we had made together
And I will be seen as the victim of this narrative

Gas lights can make for an excellent way to uncover the truth though the darkness
But, they are only effective when the right person is handling the torch

Wound with joy and cheer
Unaware of the danger near
Moments away
Racing mind, rather absent
Hurry, hurry, hurry-!
Outcry echoes throughout the space
What searing pain
Heat from surface to flesh
Red as ripest tomato
Forming spots of pale white
Oh dear, what plight

- Jay M
January 8th, 2021