and I know
I said I’d be better
and I would
do more,
but honestly,
everything is
falling apart
and I have no
motivation
to catch the
broken pieces;
I don’t have
the patience
to tend to the cuts
on my hands
after fumbling
with shards
of my broken
bones
and I’m
losing pieces of
my mind
every single
day;
I’m so scared;
nothing makes sense
anymore
and I don’t even
want to be here

I feel messy
Full of swirling colors
Blue red green black orange blue
Sad and angry and happy and apathetic and anxious
All at once
Mixing into brown slime at the bottom of my chest
Dried blood
Three new scars
Another night spent sobbing awake and trying to breathe
Three more
Messy things, emotions.

I'm
         nowhere near perfect, and neither
         are you. You're quite a bit
         ridiculous, not usually serious,
         and addicted to your phone. I'm
         clumsy, unsure of myself to a
         fault, and my moods move faster
         than the minute hand on a clock.
         We're both a bit messy and goofy
         and ignorant of the weirdest
         things (like funnel cakes and the
         complicated workings of window
         blinds) but while we're on this
         ride with each other,
in
         this whole screamer of a carnival
         ride together, it works. You even
         out my moods and I'll force your
         attention to the real world and
         we'll help clean up the mess that
         we each have become over the
         years. You inspire me to be brave
         and we're seeing the world anew.
         In falling in
love
         with each other we fell in love
         with the very concept of life. A
         subtle change that made all the
         difference. I know nothing of
         what souls are made of, or indeed
         if they are truly even real. I've
         also never been a believer in
         soulmates, destiny, fate, or
         whatever you want to call it. I
         still don't know what I believe,
         but I know that when I'm
with
         you, sir, I believe in us. Our long
         serious talks, goofing off so that
         I'm laughing until I can't breathe,
         the way you look at me and I'm
         more sure of your love than the
         very fact that the sun will rise
         again tomorrow. I'd stay with you
         forever for these prize jewels, no
         matter what the rest of our lives
         hold. We're messy and imperfect,
         but to me
our
         journey together is the greatest
         novel ever written. I love that
         we're sharing so many firsts-not
         just in our relationship, but in our
         lives. Exploring the world with
         you is my all-time favorite
         adventure. I could never have
         imagined how quickly I would
         fall for you, but I'm never
         looking back. We fit together so
         exquisitely, cut from the same
         pattern, and I know that this is
         the kind of
love
         that is searched for, written about,
         and that makes hearts ache with
         longing. We've been lucky
         enough to find it, and I can tell
         because when we kiss,
         I taste forever on your lips.

I found a crack in the sidewalk
That I didn't have the urge to step on
And I passed this crack every day
On my 4.40pm walk
For what seemed like a lifetime
And I glared daggers
At the thing that made my skin crawl
And my neck ache
And my fingers twitch by my side
Because cracks in sidewalks
Were meant to be tread upon
Every single one of them
Even partially
Not to break a mother's back
But to cover the imperfections
And to fill the void
That made me uneasy
And to fill it
Even for a millisecond
Before I moved on
As if the sole of my shoe
Could somehow heal the
Sadness that the ground must be feeling
But there was a crack in the side walk
That I didn't have the urge to step on
No matter how many times
I passed within stepping distance
And no matter how many times
It caused me pain
And maybe that was the period of my life
When the obsessive compulsive part of me
Decided to take a break
Because maybe
Maybe some part of me
Saw that the grass that grew
In the messy line that pointed east
Was something more beautiful
And more honest
Than any hidden disfigurement
Could ever be

"you've gotten bigger."
you say to me
as we eat at the same tree
that we have eaten at since grade 7.

"your hair looks horrible"
you say to me
as we get ready to go
to his party.

"your acne is coming back"
you say to me
as we get ready for prom
and our dates.

and one day
i skip lunch
and you ask why
and i shrug.

and one day
i curl my hair for the first time
and you as why
and i shrug.

and one day
i wear lots of make up
and you ask why
and i shrug.

but that night
i slit my wrist
and swallowed pills
instead of dressing up.

why you might ask?
because i'm horrendous
inapplicable
disgusting.

don't you remember
the days you reminded me?
well here you go.