As the walls close in

The demons inside my head

Steal every breath I take

Deep into the darkness of my head
Multiple individuals came nearing
These are slowly becoming clearer
These individuals started to have
Their own say of what they can do
Suddenly I didn't know who I am
WHO AM I??
Am I rude, a selfish person or an evil one
Or is it the opposite
Am I knid, caring, helpful
I honestly doubt it's the second one
When I wake or come back into light
All I questioned
Is Who Am I

It’s amazing, it is
How people can go about life without a care
How people can say one thing then the next
It’s amazing, it is
You think that you know someone
And then they turn around
Saying the opposite of what they told you
Why does it happen you think?
Why does this confusion happen?
Why does anything happen?
It’s amazing, it is
How can someone hold so much inside?
How can someone be so bottled up?
Bottled to the point where they may burst
Bottled to where they may blow any time
How can someone be so isolated?
Maybe it’s by choice
Maybe it’s because they feel it’s the only way
Maybe because they haven’t found someone
Someone to confide to
Someone to trust whole heartedly
Someone they know will be there
Someone they know will support anything
It’s amazing, it is
How some people find it so easily
How some people can be a group
And then be so close with a few
It’s amazing, it is
How someone can feel so alone
When they have people around them
When they have ears willing to listen
But the only ear they want
Is someone pushed away long ago
Someone that offered but the way panicked
It’s amazing, it is
How an opportunity can go by so fast
How an opportunity may not come again
How small the time limit is
But you know what’s really amazing?
How we can contemplate this in our heads
But never verbally
Because of this is ever put into words
Then something has become real
Something has been put into the world
Something that one may regret in the future
Now that’s amazing

I'm fine.
The lie I say every fking day.
The lie I say multiple times a day.
I wake up from a sleep that hasn't rested me,
And I lie. I'm fine.
When the woman I love asks if I'm okay, I lie to her.
I'm fine.
When she's breaking down due to her own issues,
I stay stong for her. Tell her it will be okay.
Possibly another lie.
I bury myself in these lies, to make sure everyone else is okay.
I'm fine.
The only reason, the ONLY ******* reason, why I haven't attempted for the 3rd time, is because I am scared of the impact of other people.
I'm fine.
I don't care what happens to me.
I care what will happen to others.
Laurens future. Her own mental health.
My Mums heart. I can't take a son away from my Mother.
My sisters big brother.
My Dads nipper.
My nephews uncle.
I'm fine.
My best friends. I couldn't forgive myself if I made the group smaller by 1.
I'm fine.
It even extends to work.
I can't let others take on the burden of doing the work I should be doing, because I ended it.
I'm not that selfish.
I'm fine.
Its the crippeling debt we're in.
How the fk can I let the person I love put up with that on her own.
We barely live pay day to pay day.
And how can I do this to a family that hasn't even started.
I'm fine.
I am fine.
This constant feeling of something catastrophic is about to happen.
This invisible ocean I'm drowning in.
This explosion that is happening in my head, that I'm constantly holding back.
The thoughts that flitter in my head so easily.
I'm fine.
I say it with a smile.
I say it with purpose.
I say it with a heavy heart.
I'm fine.
My mouth says I'm fine.
My eyes scream for help.
I've been so good at lying, I've convinced every other communication I have.
My actions.
My words.
My mannerisms.
The jokes I flood into every conversation.
I'm fine.
I try to laugh as much as possible.
It helps convince others I'm fine.
It helps supress.
If I don't laugh, I die.
Or so it feels.
I'm fine.

The hero of mine
My closest kin
Protector of fear
Where do I begin?

A mind of books
A wild story teller
Helping me sleep
Brothers bestseller

You took me away
On the high seas
We fought armies
Bullies and Thieves

I idolised you brother
Always by your side
Bikes from the shed
We'd go out for a ride

Long summer nights
Watching the skies
Satellites passing
Stars filled our eyes

But...

Youth escaped us
We were no longer free
The weight of life
Came down on me

The sun didn't shine
The shadows grew long
I searched for you
I tried to be strong

I missed your stories
I needed you brother
We drifted apart
From one another

I tried to reach you
But silence befalls
Keeping me out
Surrounded by walls

Ten long years
Since I saw you last
Only memories remain
Left long in the past

I really don't want
Our story to end
But our bond is..
Too fragile to mend

By Darren Wall ©