Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive /

this **** is impressive / Got ghosts in my mind, but I’ll be addressin’ / This **** in my head that’s got me depressed / Workin’ my hardest, trying my best / tryna escape, can't get out of bed / Word on the street is I’m losing my head / Fight me, I dare you / C’mon go ahead / I’ve been sittin on diamonds under my bed / Stole a whole paycheck and left that boy dead

Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive / Depressive Depressive / Manic Depressive,

this **** is impressive / Tryna escape, can’t get out of bed / Listen to these voices inside my head: Blood and it’s spilling out of my veins / Onto the bed sheets / Leaving red stains / Can’t help but wonder / If maybe this pain / Will just go away if I bleed down the drain

Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive / Depressive Depressive /

Ah, ****. I just missed my train.
Whatever, I’ll come back and ride it again

Manic, Depressive /

A little obsessive / Standing on rooftops wearing my messes / Know I could jump / Know that it’s reckless / Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive / Depressive Depressive Depressive Depressive / Took all my pills, Why am I stressin? / Can’t even look at my ******* reflection / Had all my meds / Why’m I still crying? / Doesn’t the world see that I’m dying? / Can’t help but feeling, there’s no denying / Hate that I’m worthless / Hate that I’m crying / I prolly need help but I’d rather be flying /

/ I prolly need help but I’d rather be flying /

Manic Depressive / I’m on top of the world / Just earlier today, I met this cute girl / And maybe she loves me, maybe she don’t / I want her to know that --- love her? I won’t / Manic Depressive / I’m crying I hate it / I saw the sunrise but I’m really debating / What I will say in my last moments / Goodbye to God and Hello to Satan /


Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive / Manic, Manic- It’s come down to this / Why I’ve been waiting, / It’s come down to this / Why I’ve been waiting / right now it’s Game Day / No hesitating

/ I prolly need help but I’d rather be flying /

Here comes the train, no more delaying / shaking the rails / standing between / Heaven and Hell / and then someone yelled -

Fell out of the way / at the sound of the horn / surrounded by dust, coughing a storm /
Look back at the tracks, see only fear / I’m a ******* coward / Can’t believe I’m still here

Manic Depressive / Depressive / Depressive: Now I’m just sinking / Back into bed / Can’t shut off these voices inside my head / I’m shaking, I’m screaming: Why Aren’t I Dead?

Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive / Manic, Depressive / Now I’m regressing: / Found some guy, says that I’m cute / Don’t want what he’s got but I guess this will do / He looks at me like / Maybe I’ve got a clue / But really I don’t and I know it won’t last / I’m just reliving my painful past / I’m hoping he’ll take me somewhere away - away from my body, away from my brain / but all that he does is add to my pain / he calls me his Kitten / Says I’m so great / I’m wondering if maybe I made a mistake

Manic, Depressive / Massive attack / I’ve gotten to this place / Where I’ve come detached / Nothing makes sense / nothing is fact / I’m half locked away / Just shut the latch

/ Manic, Depressive / This **** is Impressive / Manic, Depressive / Just shut the latch
Manic, Depressive / I can’t even speak / Manic, Depressive / but I know I’m not weak

I prolly need help but I’d rather be flying

**** every you that ever told me you loved me when you didn’t mean it
Every you that ever only wanted ***
Every you that could only say yes
Every you that ever looked into my eyes like they were yours
**** every you that tore them from my head
**** every you that treated me like a prize, showed me off to your friends like a deer you shot to mount on your wall
To burn and eat out that night
Every you that told me that was alright
**** every you promising friendship like some kind of peace treaty between my legs
To dump my emotionally convenient available *** when your crush sparks a crush for you
Every you that pushed me below your belt line
Every you that called me “mine”
Every you every time you grabbed my waistline like another bottle to get drunk off of
And in the morning you notice it’s still in your bed, find the cap, walk it home, drink another next weekend
Every you who had that plan
Who took me out to the woods to smoke and **** in the back of your mom’s mini van
**** every you who texted me after
After ******* just to leave, after leaving just to see you’re now ******* my best friend and you didn’t ******* tell me
Every you who texted me after, after saying you wanted to forget
When I thought that I did
**** every you who made me cry behind a bathroom door, whether you were in the next room or not with me anymore
**** every you who ever made me feel like a woman and that’s all that I was
**** every you who fell into every drunk college guy stereotype
Because you didn’t feel the need to be anything better
For my sake
Or yours
Because I want to be something more than some party boy’s ***** but when I’m always alone, company in my bed is better than nothing at all
**** every you who knew that
And used that
Who found me when I was manic, saw threw that, and abused that
**** every you I’m still friends with
Every you who told me you love her more than anyone else you’ve been with
And I know that one’s so selfish but **** it, ours was my favorite relationship
You were the only you I was in love with
Now I keep ******* all these men but let me tell you, Loneliness is a woman I sleep with every night
She holds me more tender and she leaves on the lights
She fists my gut and she eats out my mind
I’m tired of staying awake with her by my side
But I still feel empty when there’s someone inside
I wish I could take the objectivity and remove it
I already feel like my body isn’t real, I don’t need some **** boi to prove it
I want to be treated like all that I am: A woman, and everything else
I want to **** a man, a woman, a person, not because I want someone, but because I want them
I want to kiss a you I actually know
I want to care about a you who cares if I go
And you know,
**** every me that couldn’t say no

Driving home,
Highway is a black blur,
Miles of nothingness,
And still it goes on.
The bridge comes,
Passing over a strange sea,
More accurately a lake.
A lake of unknown depths or means.
First thought, first piece of madness,
Swerve into the blue abyss.
Another episode of violent death.
A deception, a delusion,
Real as day, strong as night.
It comes again, all too soon.
Gas pumps fill the mind.
Fuel for fires deadly.
Let the ocean of petroleum,
Spill unneath uneasy boots.
Light flicks and boom.
But again, another episode.
Just another thought.
And the brilliance of this dark matter,
Is that in time, in change,
The light still blooms.
Peave of mind, peace of heart,
Perseveres manic highs and depressing lows.
Breathe. Enjoy. Live.
Just a thought.
Just an episode.
But it is never the end.

silence is all i’ve ever hoped for
the constant blaring drumming of my heart keeps my mind racing with each pitter patter it lets out
my brain buzzes with activities from
the moment it comes to each day
my stomach screams and falls into itself over and over and over with each rise and fall of excitement and loss
my body aches

yeah i mean, i know that the people that i keep closest love and care about me, like with the way i act and live life they kind of have to. but i mean, i, a lot of times act out due to the extremity of the emotions that i feel.
like neurotypicals operate on a daily basis between the levels of 4-6 emotionally, i operate on good days between 3-7, but most days it’s between 2-9, so like this morning when my mom woke me up, like not even rude or anything, the reaction i gave was 2x more intense than what a neurotypical would have, which meant screaming “what” at her over and over, and then she was like appalled at my reaction and just stared at me, so i got even more upset because i read that as a very judgemental thing to do, when in reality she was probably just trying to figure out how to proceed without getting more of a rise out of me, but my brain read it as she was sitting there staring at me in disgust, so i started crying and storming outside to get away from everyones eyes. and those reactions and emotional rollercoasters happen on the daily with them and they don’t understand at all what is going on. and it wasn’t until a year ago that i had a diagnosis even, so my growing up was extremely ******* difficult for my siblings and parents.

How can I rest
When time resides outside my door?
A year passed and you're still a guest
And the ashes of the bed you set on fire
Are still all over the floor.

Memorizing your details,
The triggers and the fails
Is as marvelous as victory
As wholesome as writing history.

Your wires trap my mind
And time pokes at me as I fall behind
Restless, paranoid and blind
Every time you show up I call it a disater
But I always swallow my fright
Because you're not a monster
You're not a demon even though you bite.
You're not a test and a not a present
Could be a difficult friend that's somehow pleasant.

Now we sleep side by side
And every night we stare at the moon
You whisper, "You're just as phenomenal."
It's good for my pride
"You're divine and astral."
We giggle together and you turn hominal
I feel bad it's almost fun
But a kiss with a a fist is better than none.

My wounds open and in comes the light
Embracing every emotion,
Repeating it's alright.
It is true I am still as bright.
My mom thinks my fractured beauty is tragic
But I am powerful and I radiate magic.

Every night I forgive you
We dance together and I sing to you
"Could I too be forgiven
After I gave life to you?"

from dreams
to nightmares

flight to plummet

mania to collapse

flame to meltdown

zenith to zero

in 60 seconds flat

I forget to breathe deeply. I forget to stand up straight. Why?

What is this weight?

I always end up back here, trapped inside my mind. I know that if I want to accept the sunshine I must also accept the rain.

But this isn’t rain.

This is, no type of weather.

This is, a deep and dark place. Where sometimes I feel so far from reality. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who or what I am. This dark manic confusion, consumes me for a moment and then I force a smile. I thought I left this **** behind me. Nope hello here I am she says. This dark and manic confusion.

And there is rarely pleasure…. Right?
Just suffering...suffering...suffering. And I can’t get out,
Wait where am i?

Its been a long while since I rambled in the night, while my head won't get tired and everything feels like lightening.

But two years later and its just like I remember. Makes my skin itch a bit less, but here I am, alone late at night, whirling about in my in-congruent thoughts. There's an electric peace about it, the mix of its familiarity and its origin.

Not surprising after my first big low of the summer that I have my first big high. Just kinda odd how easy it all feels. Its no pounding, screaming, kicking, biting. Its just like a neighbor stopping by.

I guess now to the ramblings. The expounding expression of my random, endless thoughts to get them out of my head and try to get me to bed.

I thought about love a lot on my way to work. Granted, I work only a five minute walk from home. But I remembered how the definitive point in time where I decided what kind of love meant most to me happened in the worst summer of my life, the most hopeless depression I ever felt.

Mom liked that I was quiet about it.

Dad was oblivious.

Friends forgot I existed.

Then there was him, the one I never expected. He was angry. So angry.

He was so upset he was losing the person he loved to my depression and he felt helpless to do anything about it. He needed me to fight. He needed me to get better. He couldn't stand watching who I was fade away.

He yelled at me.

I don't know where I'd be if he hadn't.

I'd been content to float, to hide behind my childhood walls and use the same tactics that hid my mental turmoil all of my life. If no one saw it, it was ok. Its what my parents always taught me.

Yet he looked at me, heard my mentions of pain and non-existence, and couldn't stand it. He didn't want me to change, or never be crazy. He just wanted me to have a will to fight it. To get better.

He didn't want to lose me just because it was so much easier.

I think its why I began to hate my parents, for awhile. Compared to wanting to set me on fire to save me? How could their naive complacence compare? I hid a lot from them, I grant. But that summer I told my mom I wanted to be hospitalized.

She said no.

If no one saw it, it was ok, right?

I couldn't stand all the years I spent trapped between those walls, feeling like I was hiding some mythic beast inside me, like I had to do everything right because everything in me was wrong. Outside, I was their cheery, sweet, smart, empathetic perfectionist. Inside, I was a passionate, dark humored, fireball of curiosity and imagination and limitless possibilities. The two never quite meshed, but I never got the chance to find a way to do that. Only the chance to force them apart.

Makes relationships hard when you've become two people. And once the other one shows up, everything changes. You're a lie, now.

Things are starting to mesh better, little by little. But its been a long journey.

Seems quiet acceptance isn't the love I like most. Fire is.

And its even wilder now that, after years of moving away from that isolation and pain, I'm finding a new belonging in the things that I used to cope. I thought they were all just silly things I did because I had nothing else. Now I prefer to do them instead.

As if on cue, I'm distracted by some writing and my head is slowly calming. I guess its my cue to bid this adieu. Always fascinating, how a thought-dump helps settle an insomniatic head.