"Brave”, “strong”, “decisive”.
You use these words to describe me,
in an attempt to console me.
Unaware that they are nothing more
than bandages covering my flaws to me.

Straps of fabric surrounding my scars,
hoping that if I can’t see them,
I’ll be able to forget them.

I’ve
been standing for way too long
My legs
wobble and itch
For me
to move
  
My next
word shall tell a story
Of how
much I’ve faked
Of how
much I’ve pruned
  
My
father stands aside the altar
My
Husband in touch
Crying
tears of joy
  
How he’s
wanted me to be “normal”
I raise
my chin as I walk forward
I wonder
if my husband knows
  
The white
lacy dress dragging on the floor
The
white roses hiding
Their
thorns under my clasped hands
  
I look
to my right and there she stands
My lover
and bridesmaid
Watching
as I get married to another

We shared kisses like tools at a workshop.
There was camaraderie and kindness, but no love.
We held hands out of obligation.
Firmly grasping onto each other’s palms,
We feared that the other would suspect something.
With this thought passing through both of our minds,
We stayed together for months.
Pretending to care for each other,
Believing our lover loved us more,
Living a lie, and trying to believe it.

Covered in lies.
People, covered in lies, lies.
In this generation-
does anybody ever tell the truth?

“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
But what if thine own self shallnt be true?
To own man, or any man, do we tell ourselves
the things we are to be
and plans play out?

No man is perfect
Therefore, every man lies
about something
there is not a full decade
or a full lifetime
that a man is honest throughout.

Nobody is truly honest.
So, is any man really to trust?

I don’t fear the supernatural
But I am fearful of things
Unnatural to me this concept
Of marriage is worse than the
Hellfire, the qazim I can
Not face this fear for it is the
Fear of lying, covering up
Who I really am the person
That god intended me to be
So I rather just be spiritual
And happy to be lying to
People that I should care about

compulsive liar
like a faucet with water
on and off
oops
a lifetime later
didn't mean to leave on the water

drip




drip








drip

Her smile lays upon my glassed eyes
The replaced I was, I cried
She smiles with an evil grin
The fate of my sister she did spin

Now I am the second choice
She’s left to rot, echoes her voice
The next best thing to come to her
Guess I am just here for a leftover

Being cheated on hurts. So. Bad. 


The way I loved before, I know I’ll never be able to get back to that point ever again.

My sense of self worth has gone down, I now question my trust in my own intuition, and my hurt feels like a pain I’ve never felt before.


“I’m so glad I never have to worry about him.” 


Something I used to always tell my mom and friends.

I always thought his love for me would overpower his desire for other women. I was so wrong. 


I felt stupid. I felt played. 


I’d had opportunities to do him as ***** (if not dirtier) than he did me. I didn’t partake in those opportunities because I felt like our love was so pure and I didn’t want to be the one to ruin something so beautiful.

I was wrong. 
I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed. 


While I was sick, I thought he was being true to me. I fantasized about having his kids upon healing. I thought our love grew stronger because he was there for me at my lowest.

I was wrong.


Instead, he was spending time and money - something we both felt we had such little of- on someone else.

I feel hurt. I feel unsafe. 


I don’t trust the same way I used to. I don’t look at him the same way I used to. I don’t have “forever” hopes like I used to.


Hopefully someday I’ll heal.

But for now, my heart hurts.

I’ll never be the same.