Smile for your time in the dungeon,
for the recompense you pay
is a learning experience.

Your lack of expressions
told me a lot about you

Some days I go from top speed to a dead halt in the same amount of time it takes to unlock a door or flip a light switch.

And when I'm standing still, it's hard not to feel like everything around me is crashing down and shattering. And it's loud. It's in my face. Etched onto my skin. Burned into my memory.

But somehow, I'm still here. After the thundering collision and the screeching of tires. I'm still here. In the middle of the crossroads. Still breathing. Still standing. Still here.

Because there are a few strings keeping me from crumbling. And here and there an iron rod that will not let me fall. Small truths and sentiments that shout louder and whisper sweeter than any of my thoughts ever could:

"someone cares" "you matter to me"

"don't walk alone" "careful" "would you like a hand?" "how was your day?" "you're smart too" "I like your face"

It brings me back. Back to that crossroads: my past behind me. A vast future ahead. Calling, beckoning the same way you do with that smile on your lips, your hand outstretched. And even in my clumsy fingers I will grasp it.

And follow.

From 0 to 5, to 10. To 20. To 30. To 40.

Slowly propelled forward yet again, out of the darkness my mind pulls up and around my shoulders like a shroud. Out of the ******* currents that pull me down. Out of the shadows where my bones grow cold.

Into the light and glow of countless stars. Each perfect, each warm. Each far away and watching from their perch upon your shoulders, your arms, your cheeks. Each inviting in the way a warm bed calls on rainy days.

Let me follow. Let me fall. Let me sink into your embrace and tell you how afraid I was today. Let me bare my soul, and make me strong. So that one day. If you should hear the collision and smell the smoke, I will be there to lift you out of the wreckage and hold you to my chest. The way you do now.

That one day I won't need saving from myself. But love fearlessly instead.

I've learned not to love
But to keep my heart close just in case
someone thinks it'd be fun
to cradle it and leave it in the ground.

I've learned not to hate
but to keep my anger at the ready just in case
I need to defend my loneliness
and keep others from getting to close.

I've learned to fear
but to never let it show just in case
someone takes it and mocks me
for being terrified of what others love.

I've learned not to hold a grudge
but never forget just in case
they do it again and again and again,
and I promise not to let them back in.

I've learned these things at the tender age of sixteen,
and these rules I set for myself I never follow.
I set up protectors, walls that keep out what I fear
but I crave the pain and darkness that comes along uninvited
when I roam past my walls into uncharted waters
and bypass every wall and rule I've set up
to keep my heart safe.

So people come and they cradle my heart
and then they leave it in the ground.
So people I want to love, I come to hate
because my anger goes out of bounds
and my loneliness is my sanctuary of calm and self-loathing
that I cannot just forget about.
So people know my fears
and they trample all over them when they forget,
when they don't care, when they become selfish
and spiteful, and arrogant, and ignorant.
So I hold the grudges, but I still let them back in
knowing that the same thing will happen.
But my self-worth is lower than Hell
so I crave the pain it brings because it reminds me that I am here,
still serving my punishment for living in such a world.

Somewhere between the unknown and “déjà vu”
To make connections, is something one must do
To remember and then conceive an accurate depiction
Of what our senses expose to our brain’s interpretation

Speech is silver, silence is gold
Is listening to what we’re told
More important than saying what we know
To improve a level so far, frustratingly low?

Start easy and grow gradually in complexity
The key to express oneself with ample clarity
Alleviating the risk of dreadful incomprehension  
Slowly unleashing the grasp of one’s imagination

Learning something new and interesting
On an hourly, daily, monthly or annual basis
What else could be even more exciting?
Maybe being in the desert and recognizing an oasis?

I want to share
I want to give and receive
I want to dare
I want to live.

I take photos now, that's new

And I learned to draw lips like you used to

But despite the things I've learned

I still yearn

Realise it's hard to
mediate between infinite identities
Past versions were
and are for learning
Remember that grasp what was felt as
present tense only has direction of sense
Your future holds purpose
Aspire to dream and combine oneself
solely through teamwork of being
who you are
what you are
where you are