Guilty

I point
And three fingers
Pointing back at me

Memories
Not forgotten
Even though I plea

The knives,
They are calling
Yet I still don't bleed

No point in my destruction
Since I cannot feed them

Sharp blades
Evade
My self destruction

Afraid
To pay
For loss of function

Every
New day
Is a new problem

Cut me off
(Save me!)

I'm coming out
I'm caving in
Tell me do you like me now
Let me begin

By burning all the cradles
Uninstall the training wheels
Enstrangement's just a label
And I don't give feels

(I cut me off
I shut you out
I'm caving in
Do you like me now?

Not good enough
I've never been
Disconnection
I'm the alien)

I am on the edge, teetering
Cool breeze splashes across my cheeks
As pebbles crumble to the Earth beneath
Bitterness dances across my tastebuds
Fear and pain electrifying my bloodstream
I am both pushed forward by fear and
Pulled back by grief
My chest feels empty, cavernous
Lonely
At the top of this cliff I must realize
I have spent my entire existence
Scaling this mountain of labels and advice
Searching for my truth in the lies of many
Dissecting myself into pieces to find
Exactly the part that is wrong
The piece I can remove or fix
To suddenly become whole,
Real, valid,
Normal
Alive
And now
Standing upon the cliffside
Staring down at the jagged edges
Rexperiencing the solid footholds
The close calls,
The danger and the pain
I realize that my truth doesnt exist out here
There is nothing wrong with me,
This isn't that easy
I have reached the top, looked outwards and found nothing
I came in search of answers and found the truth instead
There are no answers
I am enough
My emotions are not the enemy
Who I really am is not an outward destination
My truth has and always will live within me
I have the power to change my life
I just need to
Be Still
Listen
And know

I own a box with mysterious contents,
People who have never seen inside it
Like to tell me what's in there
"It's pink, so it must have pink stuff inside."
But I've seen what's inside
It's brilliant, multi-coloured,
Shifting in hues
Sparkling and flowing,
It sounds like a melody of hope
A story of bravery,
It feels warm like summer
And cosy like a rainy day,
It smells sweet like candy
And salty like tears.
I don't mind sharing the contents
If you care enough to look with me.

It feels like no one understands
but they tell us someone will

It feels like im falling apart
They say im dramatic

It feel like im all alone
even with people all around me
They say im a attention seeker

I like school
They say im a nerd

I not a skinny beauty
so im fat

I change to the skinny beauty
So im anorexic

I like rock music
Im a Emo

I like wearing black
Im Goth

Im made one mistake
And im a idiot

I like showing off my body a little
so im a ****

Labels consume us...
No one can be who they are with the
Labels
Telling them who they are

A world confined to only black and white
is wasted of all the diverse, flowing shades of gray in between---
the areas that aren't so easily or willingly acknowledged;
the variety of tangled truths and in between slips of moments that paint life on an individual level---
all hidden by an outer layer of generic black and white,

whatever the color people decide to assign me---
the way I live my life;
everything that encompasses it---

it will never do me justice in representing
the entity of the person of who I am.

not crayon not water
but watered down
to drown that claw scratch
of its taste it is
most marvellous
sometimes a shocking
mark made here on the page
here here here here
just where my finger points
to whatever past
symbol we all agreed
on then when need
made need obey
for everyone
sometimes a mark memory
asks for from its past
sometimes a real jewel
that fell to earth and
rang as a star and rings still
so get it back
it’s written down
it can’t be difficult
unless you’re blind
unless you’re dead
and even then it is
most marvellous

Here comes the friend who calls, to use me.
Here comes the friend who plans, to ditch me.
Here comes the friend who messages, to lie.

You don’t matter no more
For I no longer want be hurt any more.
So take your pain
that you wrap as presents,
Because I no longer want it no more.

Don’t you keep calling me babe any more
Don’t keep calling me your best friend any more
For it no longer means anything no more.

Because these words
are just labels that mean nothing anymore.

Nothing matters anymore
No one understand me no more
So leave me
Desert me
Lie to me
Ditch me
Use me
Betray me
It no longer matters to me anymore.