The thought of a café or club
both make my heart rate rise.
Or going to cafés and stores;
even sometimes just outside.

I’m tired of sitting, so lonely,
so sick of staying inside.
So tired of choosing to stare at screens,
but I’m afraid to experience life.

While it seems a good solution,
it just makes me more upset.
I crave to be there, mind devoid of fear;
it seems impossible, nonetheless.

Inside is comfortable, I can’t deny,
but crushing; keeps me up each night.
I could stay inside my cave all day,
‘cause I’m afraid to experience life.

I sit frozen on my floor,
stomach sour and mind awhirl.
My palms and feet are getting sweaty,
fingers pulling at my curls.

So, I study how to take control
of a mind in fight-or-flight.
It will still spiral at outings mentioned,
but I’ll work toward experiencing life.

cold, blue skies
crisp air
and sun in my eyes
breathing deeply amongst the crowd
I feel like an installation
in a hotel lobby
or a decorative vase
with dry arrangements

empty yet amused eyes
peer beyond me
while I’m duct-taped to this pedestal
nailed into a wall
the frame of a painting
sitting in a display case.

One common misconception
about night owls is that it
isn't about staying up late,
not to party or to relax,
but the feeling the silence
and the darkness brings.
In this solitude we find peace of mind,
we find the atmosphere to create,
to work and to unwind.
The world is asleep and I
have never felt more alive.

7/16/2021

If I could speak to you
I’d tell you how special you are
I’d tell you that what makes you cool
Is that I can see the love of Jesus shining

If I could give you counsel
I’d tell you how valuable you are
I’d tell you how infinitely important it is
To wait patiently on God’s will for your life

If I could ask you a question
I’d want an answer from your heart
What is your pressing passion, I’d ask
What drives you, what things do you love?

If I could watch you
I’d want to see you smile
I’d want you to be safe and happy
I’d want to watch you live your dreams

If I weren’t so self-conscious
I’d be confident and encouraging
I’d want to be intentional and inviting
I’d want to be the person I’m meant to be

They say I’m disconnected
that I’m withdrawn
that I wander off a lot
Aloof—someone who doesn’t conform

but what’s wrong with that?

why should I act
as if I am the same with others
when I’m trying to be myself---

---myself, who likes to think a lot
myself who sometimes doesn’t want to talk a lot
myself, who I am still trying to find
myself, who I am trying to build

what’s wrong with that?

and I can feel what I want to feel
I can be happy
I can be miserable at a certain time i need to be
I can be confident
I can be assured


I can shut down
and get away
when I feel like everybody
is draining the hell out of me

I’m just human
A person of my own
I have my individuality
ain't even stepping on anyone’s boundary

if I am like this,
what is wrong with that?


- c.s. (120319)

without the burden of expectation,
i flourish the way i’ve always wanted.
i have planted a seed of loving myself
and doing it so ******* fiercely
that it can’t be denied, and it blooms.
regret, fear, and uncertainty have burned
away and their ashes nurture this new soil.
i will tend this garden in myself
and speak crystal clear and loudly proclaim
that i am worth loving and i do it boldly.

I seem to be at home on the margins
where I can be alone
with my folly
sweltering in my private bowl of stew
simmering in the sins
surrounding and piercing me
but you found me there
invited me into your heart
where you loved me
redeemed me
sewed my seams
pulled together my crazy quilt
made separate parts into a whole.

Caught up in the sweet talk
Sugar and lemons
Coated with walls
Beneath was a clamber
Tussle of heart and the mind
Could say it out loud
But save it in the void
Honeyed and spiced.
Would it be mellisonant enough to be poised?