AUGUST
I saw you in class today for the first time,
You walked in and I thought I would burst into flames,
You sat down next to some other guy I don’t know his name,
And I think this must be what falling down a hole feels like.

SEPTEMBER
We passed by in the hallway today,
I think I might be going insane,
You were walking and so was I and I was so focused
On being normal–
That I forgot to say hi.

OCTOBER
The teacher grouped us together
And my heart skipped–
That’s called an arrhythmia and you can die from those,
Anyways,
Now I know you know my name
Even though I’ve always known yours.

NOVEMBER
The conversations began on a Tuesday,
At first about the project but then about me
About you
About school,
Did you know my favorite color is blue too?

DECEMBER
You texted me happy holidays,
And even though you have other girls
I imagined ice skating and cookie decorating,
And it was really
Really
Nice.

JANUARY
When school began I saw you and you saw me,
We were talking at lunch and I could have flown away,
You said something–funny but not enough to make me laugh,
So I only smiled, and then you stared at me for a moment,
“You have dimples.”

FEBRUARY
The project is over has been over,
And I think I must definitely be insane now
Because I took the long walk to class just to see you,
And then later when my phone buzzed and your name was there,
I thought this was torture but I loved doing it.

APRIL
“You like korean food?”
“Of course–”
“Maybe saturday?”
“What?”
“We can get some?”

MAY
In class when I saw you and everyone else saw you,
I wondered if they knew
That your smile is lopsided?
That your brow furrows when you’re confused?
Or that you hold hands tightly but not unbearably so?

JUNE
When we were in the parking lot
And the sun was setting
And you were there and we were eating and laughing and smiling,
I hope you know that all the insanity was worth it,
If it meant I would end up here.

JULY
“I might be crazy.”
“You’re not crazy.”
“Maybe a little.”
“I’d love you even if you were crazy.”
Quiet.
“I love you now you know.”

There are two things in me:
Sense of belonging is one,
Appreciation is two.
When combined?
This is something I can’t conclude.
I expect too much;
Then regret as much.
Hearing these voices in my head,
That kept me up all night and said,
“Do you think when you are gone-
They will be bothered to remember you?”
I began to reach out with my hand,
Then I started to look like a fool.
“Why would they even remember?”
I couldn’t even give a response.
Because everything it said is true.
I fell into an endless abyss,
With nonstop bickering.
I am starting to lose my sanity
I couldn’t even get it out of my head.
I feel so helpless and afraid,
A feeling of endless pain.
I could feel something so near,
That something is what I despair.
I couldn’t even take it,
I just want to have some rest.
“Why can’t I have it?”, is what I said.
Internally screaming that no one could hear.
A crying for help that no one knows.
The night has become eternal.
Not knowing how much time has passed.
At first, I couldn’t believe,
There are such things possible.
The saying seconds become minutes,
minutes become hours.
So I thought this is what I should pay,
And will continue to stay.

There once was a fella from Maine
Who added some drugs to his brain:
     He lost half his mind,
     And the half left behind
Was totally ******* insane.

You can't control crazy, eh?
Only mitigate it.
You can't control sanity, eh?
Only define it.

A question like:
"Who's been listening!?"
A question like:
"To whom have you been listening?!"

Ascetic are our ways,
But vitalizing, our planet.
A beast of ever-changing,
Host to a home of restless thinkers.
We plan to live, to thrive, to marry, to survive,
But never to accept mortems call.

It is our way, it is our want, we never change, we only taunt,
To continue with the optimum:
To continue to destroy, to hate, to ****,
We claim to evolve, yet remain astray,
Step in sync, we demand,
Join the march of regret.

We cry wolf:
Declare deaths unnatural--
Only proper if they fit our chosen form!

We cry dog:
Condemn those like us, yet not us,
Brand them evil for daring to exist!

We cry human:
Denounce those who dare not follow our rule,
Who betray our command!

To be a person, to be a human, we set limits, we set categories, we set nature,
We dictate what 'right' ought to be,
But who are we to decide what should and shouldn't?
Who are we to assert good and evil,
When nature simply exists--
To neither be right,
To neither be wrong,
Beyond our classifications and laws,
Is to be natural.

But then arises the paradox:
To be truly natural is to be beyond,
To not comprehend anything that lies beneath,
To be truly neutral and never bound,
Is to coat our mural red,
Is to shatter our world as we know it.

So we heal, we steal, we build, we break,
Not for the earth--
Not for the beast who knows no sin or virtue,
But for the world we forged in fire and din,
A world of our design,
A world of human hands.

I told my soul to rest to let your absence be
But why this constant falling make this soul's insanity
Each glimpse, a bitter nectar a joy that cuts like pain
How do I unweave this feeling?

This feeling of consuming chain
I've waited through the silence
Where dreams have turned to gray
Now I'm steeped in blue, where longing holds its sway.

I can be anyone you want,  
darling,  

I can shift, I can bend,

I can—  

I can break.

Oh, I can break.  

But right now—

right now—

right now I need to be your lover.  

Not a stranger,

not a shadow,

not a

MAYBE ONE DAY…

I need to be the breath in your lungs,

the static under your skin,

the ache in your bones when you wake up too fast and swear you felt me there.  

I was…

But time is a cruel, slow god  
and patience is a cage with rusted bars
  
and I

I

I

am losing myself inside it.  

I can see it.

I can see

US

Not in fragments, not in fleeting dreams,

not in—
  
SOMEDAY

But in a life with walls and windows and hands that don’t let go.

In a world where waiting is over and we don’t bleed for time anymore.

Where I am yours without a clock between us.  

But not yet…

NOT YET

Not yet, so I stay.
Not yet, so I hold.  
Not yet, so I swallow

the madness and let it simmer in my gut

until it kills me from the inside out.  

I do not know how to be patient when the future already belongs to me.

I do not know how to be sane when you exist in a time I cannot touch.

I do not know how to be whole when half of me is waiting for you.  

My hands shake when I write your name.
  
My thoughts slip like loose threads,
  
unraveling,

twisting,

spelling things backwards—

See?

Se?

Ees?

But they all mean the same thing.  

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you

and you are not even mine yet.

Yet.  

Yet.  

YET..

I can be anyone you want, darling,  
I can wait, I can hold, I can burn,  
I can wear patience like a noose and call it devotion,

I can

I can

I can

BUT IT HURTS…

God, it hurts.  

But you are worth every second

Ecstatic Haunt
Can't be Dreaming

Without heartbeat or breath you showed up and started your haunt

Gave me memories and scents so real from 20 years past
I could see your dress and pattern to start, colors innocent

Then over days you brought intensity to be a wounding

Feel your dress fabric, texture against my skin as once
I could not stop you as I drank and inhaled all you were

Daytime brought, lost sanity, spirit, questions self

Each night some 30 past now I placed my ear to pillow
Yearn for sleep to welcome you, nightly more rapid arrive

Find you, a many, but always the same, imagine your taste

Predetermined your travels to me, now you advance anew
Our hands touched tonight, sorrow, weeping my loss

Apart in worlds but here together

I won't leave you again, no matter the cost
Take me tonight, don't leave me again