And I hated myself for missing you. I hated the way the bottle of pills whispered your name reminding me of the time we climbed steep mountains and dove deep in Great Lakes. The pills stroked your gentle brown hair as the tears flooded my face with an overbearing sense of doubt but also forgiveness. How could I miss you? But the pills told me the answer to that one too, they reminded me of your deep blue eyes that looked as though not a single rock lay beneath the ocean- so pure. The pills sang the songs we sang just a little off key and laughed at the jokes only we knew. They told me of the memories I would never forget when I stepped into the woods where our names were carved in that tree. They never let me forget all the time we spent together or the places we once knew...

I'm terrible at showing emotion
to the people i love i act as I don't
i act like they can leave at any point
and id be fine

its hard
being too scared to let people in
being too scared to love

I've been left so many times
its my biggest fear
... but the truth is that its inevitable

people come and go
"everything happens for a reason"
but that's the biggest lie I've heard

is there a reason why my mom tries to **** herself
is there a reason that the people you love so much always leave
is there a reason why every day people die

that **** doesn't happen for a reason
that **** doesn't make you stronger

when people leave
it results in never being able to open yourself to the people who care
never being able to show how much you care
because you never want to care, about anyone

when you show emotion it means its real
and you don't want to care about anyone unless you know its real

ending up pushing away the people you care about
and pretending to love the people you don't

i can't open up to people
and show them i care
unless i know its forever
but its never gonna be forever
so why bother