A song, a memory, is all it takes
To feel what I lost, not just you
But the losses of the past two years.

And now I loose my home too,
So much so little, so few
Places I have settled,
Found my place, and now I'm rattled.

How do I let go of the things that helped me move on?
Now, I say so long.
It's another chapter, but was I ready to close the last?
To the future, observe the present, remember the past.

Today Snapchat reminds me
that a year ago you made me smile
and I feel a wave of sadness
for the happy ******* my screen
with tears in her shining eyes
I hear her say that she’s happy
and for a moment I’m envious
of her naivety of love

Today Snapchat reminds me
that two years ago we went
on our first date
but what it doesn’t show
is you showing up late in a ***** t-shirt
your eyes sunken in
and cheeks hollowed
from a night full of lines
and little white pills

Today I am reminded
that for you I didn’t have
rose coloured glasses
instead I had rose coloured irises
I was unable to take off
the admiration I had for you  
so I let myself believe that
what you gave me
was love

I still miss you
like you’re a word on the tip of my tongue
that I can’t quite spit out
and no matter how hard I try
you never show up when I need you to
—you only rear your head at night
long after my head hits the pillow
and my eyes finally rest
—only then do I remember you

I know you no longer think of me
I was never a fond memory for you
there was never a place in your mind
for my naive love stories
but you let me break my own heart anyway
maybe it made you feel something
to watch me shatter
and for a moment
you became addicted to hurting me
like I was your newest high
but like everything else
you grew a tolerance for me
and tossed me aside for the next drug

Loneliness steadily chisels away my soul
Colder each moonlit night
Where heart was located is now just a hole
Empty bed without love will never feel right

Why does the Earth turn so slow?
Why do seasons change, where do they go?
Wherever it be, just let them know:
Winters were never the same since I lost my Snow

But they won't hear, they won't know
And to their will, I must bow low
Words shall vainly escape my throat:
Winters were never the same since I lost my Snow

They will echo through air, they will echo and groan
Flying up high, themselves they'll show
To God and Heaven, they'll pray and moan:
Winters were never the same since I lost my Snow

You gave me hope, hope that I could be loved.
Ever since I met you, every time I woke up I knew it would be a good day because I would see you.
Even when I had to wake up so early that even the sun was not up yet, even when I was so tired that I wanted to stay in bed, and even when I woke up sad, as soon as I saw you, my day was complete.
On the days I woke up sad, my sad morning turned into smiles by just looking at you.
Working was heavy, it was not easy, it was boring, and I thought I would never have a friend, I thought I would always sit alone outside during breaks smoking a cigarette alone in the cold.
But then you started working there too, and I wasn't alone anymore, I had a friend and work was fun, I wanted to go to work just to see you.
I was happy at my work, because you were there.
And I started growing feelings for you, and I thought, maybe, very maybe, you would have feelings for me too.
How dumb was I?
You told me how beautiful the new colleague is and at that moment, my heart dropped.
All the hope I had was gone, it all went to dust and blew away with the wind.
Every sign you gave me, was not love or like, it was friendship.
And I started thinking and thinking, and I thought to myself "If you can't love the person you see in front of you, how can you ever love the real me? How can anyone ever love the real me?"
I wanted to be mad at you, I wanted to ignore you and give you bad looks.
But I can't be mad at you, I can't blame you for not loving me.
I can't.
I know deep inside that if you knew it would hurt me, you would not have said it.
I know you wouldn't want to hurt me.
But what more can I do?
How do I have to be so you would love me?
Maybe, I was just not made to be loved.
No, not maybe, I'm sure about it.
I will lay down my feelings and I will give up this fight.
Because I can't make you love me.

-‘Pit-a-patter’-

Raindrops fall on the window pane before it slowly plummets,
Falling into a large, brittle, glass-made bucket
The water level in the bucket rises slowly but inconsistently,
The bucket never overflows— instead it waits for the raindrops fervently  

Your texts are inconsistent and you are slow to reply,
Each word is collected inside my heart to see what you imply
Our conversations and memories slowly build up inside my heart,
My heart is never full— it longs for more of you to impart

-‘Whoosh’-

A strong gust of wind blows by and the rain stops,
Objects picked up by the wind hits against the bucket nonstop
Each hit leaves a mark on the bucket like a merciless, sharp dagger,
The pressure builds up—the brittle glass bucket eventually shatters

Uncertainties and problems start coming our way nonstop,
Carrying along our insecurities and worries- we no longer talk
You start to waver, telling me your feelings for me are dying,
Each word pierces through my fragile heart which falls apart— I start crying

The broken pieces of the glass bucket are scattered all over the street,
Even within each piece, scratches are all over it- although many but discreet
The damaged bucket is replete and can no longer collect the falling rain,
The water it collected previously is released and spills all over the floor like paint

My heart shatters into a million tiny pieces with each piece lost and forlorn,
Even within each piece, scars are all over it— inconspicuous but not gone
All our shared memories that I collected earnestly is tainted in a second,
“Just forget everything, leave it all behind” is what you beckoned

The broken pieces of my heart are impossible to mend,
Your smile, your words, your presence causes my heart to rend
No matter how much I try, the pieces do not fit together like it did before,
Are you the glue? Should I walk towards or away from you? I don’t what to do anymore
----
12am
1/12/21
——————
METAPHORS USED:

1. Raindrops —> Texts, Conversations
2. Water in the bucket —> Memories, shared experiences, dreams and hopes
3. Bucket —> Heart
4. Wind —> Uncertainties, problems, temptations
5. Objects carried along by the wind —> Insecurities, worries
6. Scratches —> Scars

I don't know how to feel anymore;
how to love you
when all you did
was
giving me reasons
not to