Recently I have been dealing with doubts about what my life philosophy is.
Yeah,
Sure,
I love people- I want to spread kindness and love and support and one day actually help people
(Possibly save people's lives)
But then I think about how much I have changed over these years - specifically the last year and a half. I have become someone different than who I was coming out of high school and starting college.
Yeah, it's pretty ******* "normal" for that to happen...but for me it was like an identity crisis. For me it was like the facets of how I understood my ego were falling apart and I was a caricature of who I once was.
But get this:
Since then I have found a happiness beyond what I thought was happiness. I have found some sort of reasoning to live beyond academic success and maintaining an image that is supposed to be perfect. I am learning that my flaws are making me beautiful. I am learning that sometimes I am not even that flawed. I am learning that I don't need to have all my **** together..
Because what is the point of living this life and learning new things everyday if I already did have all my **** together?
I battled with expanding my horizons and what I really wanted out of life. I dabbled with breaking straight edge and found some weird solace in psychedelics. I learned to be honest with myself. But that maybe I can be honest with other people too.
I found love at a different level that I can't convey to people - and I don't even ******* care if people understand.
I found an internal happiness that I want to radiate out but still get too afraid to do that because what if it all falls apart?
But maybe I can become a bit more confident.
Maybe I can bend my own twisted ideas and break a cycle I used to find myself into -
Because I am getting better.
So, if I were to explain my new life philosophy..
I would say:
It's ok to not be ok -
Things come,
And things pass -
Bad things don't last
And people can break through
From chains
Binding them,
Without shattering
Like glass -
But if in some way we break,
We can be repaired.
Because we aren't stalled
Or hopeless
And our past
Doesn't color
The future -
No,
A neon light
So bright,
Colors the future in hues.
Our reality is what we make of it now,
And how we can learn from it later.
So live, and learn.
And shine on,
You crazy diamond.

On good days
I feel l i g h t e r ,
laugh LOUDER,
love
d
e
e
p
e
r
When these good days come, my hand stretches hastily towards this light that has become a stranger.
My heart yearns to become once again full of these radiant moments.
Sometimes, when life is feeling malicious, it will send a bundle of good days all right in a row.
Then it will yank them back without apology when the raging storm returns to reign again.
Those good days serve as glimpses of how things might be if I wasn't broken or if I could simply let the sunshine stay.
I wish I lived a life constructed entirely of glimpses.