i recall the soft touch of your hand
on my infant cheek--

so delicate in the moment,
but so menacing later on.

i recall the warmth of your skin
as it comforted my shaking hand--

so calm in the moment,
but so frightening later on.

i recall the sweetness of your smile
as it had shone its luminescent glow upon me--

so beautiful in the moment,
but so unsettling later on.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~


i can't quite understand
why you no longer hold my hand.

see, you have a light touch so full of love,
that it could burst at any moment--
giving way to something sour.

i don't see the reason
for you to make my eyelids change color every season.

see, i have bruises like silk
and blood like milk--
your emotions could drink it all in one sitting.

i don't understand
why my heart still beats if the scale of my wrongdoing is so grand.


see, i have a droplet of hope,



but it falls into an ocean of fear

Ease yourself in up to your waist
And grit your teeth against the cold.
Take a slow step deeper with searching toes;
Learn to wade again against the tide.

I have always preferred the land;
To stand where I can see a horizon's
Distance and not risk being
Enveloped by it.

My risk was his wish underlined
By a body of work. He's away now from a life
Made up of **** ups, and break ups,
And love, and changing lives.

My friends adore this fearlessness that I’ve acquired
Or is this a facade that I’ve mastered?
I may not have any phobias of flight or height nor am I afraid of monsters and demons in the closet or under the bed.

I fear that I may disappoint or fear that I cannot protect my loved ones.

I fear what I’m capable of and or doing.

But I’m afraid to love; whole heartedly.
I’m afraid to share my deepest darkest secrets then have them used against me.

But my biggest fear of all....
I’m afraid of someone loving me and finding me beautiful.....
I’m afraid that one day the inevitability will come thanks to time and that, that “someone” will hate me and see what they once thought was beautiful is now hideous in their eyez.

The beauty that they once gazed upon in my soul has now become ugly and that frightens me the most.

Fearless? Nah, I’m only human, wishing I had less fear or the ability to fear less....

That feeling
That reason why you don’t move
Why you don’t look up
Take your nose out of the book
The reason why you zoom to the next class with your head down
Talking to nobody but yourself and your tortured thoughts
The tightness in your chest
The terrifying feeling
When someone approaches you
The relief and heavy breath out
Like the release of a balloon
When you realize they were heading toward someone else
The
          Thoughts
Just
      Don’t
Stop
Everything
Becomes a struggle
A big mission on what path to take
With the least people
The least amount of eyes staring and mouths talking
You assume they are talking about you
You are terrified
Have to get out
You walk fast
To your little hideaway
Your safe haven for now
But you can never hide away from the real cause
The real reason
You realize as a tear runs down your red
frightened face
You can’t run away
Anymore

Do you remember how you stood there ?
When the sun had set and the afterglow started to fade, you stood proud, slightly upon the dusk, brilliantly, majestically yet so tiny,
You looked so lonely and helpless, as light faded into darkness,
Covering the world; a sweet blanket filled with many twinkling stars,
How impossible it seems to turn back, have you realized how you changed so drastically, my little sparkling friend over such little time?
Irrational the things hidden away by the night, no moon comes to rise
If you would realise, how this world really is, or the place you are being led, softly, gently, elegantly to stand would be like, what then ?
Have you changed because, you calmly, without having any knowledge fear the night and it's lingering, loitering darkness ?
The night is stained with illusions, keep your gaze up to the sky and follow another star, then surely you would be able to reach your goal,
When you engage in pure furies, the whereabouts of the heart remain undetermined, you just lose yourself within its wandering fragrance,
Because the world you had taken for granted collapsed into somber,
Collapsed into a dimmer more frightening state of undefined beauty,
Everything is far too late, impossible to return now, it has been decided that it maybe should have been so, a loitering darkness to be,
You are part of this world now, standing where you are don't you think that this sky, slumbering earth is as allure as nothing else ?
If it awakens your wish will become true and you will disappear by the sight of the daybreak, the sun takes over with her golden light,
The world you have forgotten will reappear then everything starts a new and maybe one day you too will understand, my dearest,
That the night is something very beautiful.

~ Umi