Sometimes
I wish I had a lazy tongue
That would fault
Itself
And make it difficult
to blurt out my thoughts
And all my contradictions
In a hopeless posed way
like how leaves flutter
away and drift
Without a curious glance
or murmur.

under the algae
beneath the sedimentary substance of a sentimental
there resides the need to put everything into categories
organizing it by numbers on the top corner of crisp sun yellow manila folders with the messy scrawl of someone punctual but seldom in time for things

in the absence of sunlight i took to you like a lamp
the one with a warm glow and dust collecting on the folds of your body of ceramic
the more i got close the more i could feel myself burning from the inside like a watermelon containing meat fruit or the inside of a pumpkin spilling out onto your counter with audaciousness
sticking your finger in the warm gooey center only to dispose of the carcass without indulging

sometimes the left side of my chest hurts and i immediately think of heart attacks and a blue face

sometimes it's flood season and i see the bottom of bridges puffy with overflowing water and i immediately think of five years ago when i thought that if i laid down i could sleep forever and never wake up
my body slowly un-recognizing how to be the human condition

but then my lungs still move in my rib cage rhythmically
my chest expanding and contracting
the repetition of comfort inside my abdomen
and i know it's not heart disease but the fluttering of panic slowly dancing on the bottom of my collarbones

but then i get up from my bed and fix my hair into a braid
my hands remembering a pattern i don't have to think about
fingers nimbly trembling beneath handfuls of hair
and i know that despite everything

i would continue through and through
i would continue

it’s time to write our story,
because today feels like the first chapter.
today, i am determined to begin filling a book,
because our first chapter will look like hope.

the air was cool today, but when you breathed it out,
it came out smelling like the sweet fruits of summer,
sounding like soft waves sounding somewhere,
cautious feet barely touching the water.

i don’t know if you’ll take my hand tonight,
at the beach when i invite you into the water,
will you allow yourself to drown in it,
let the mermaids voices lull you into love?

do you think i could lull you into love
-i’m not a mermaid exactly,
but i could let you put flowers in my hair,
and make me like those beautiful angels of the sea.

please, please fall in love.
i like you, but that’s nowhere near enough,
i need to fall in love with
me.

can your heart-rate rise a little,
can your hands make my pulse flutter a little?
do you want to feel my heart rise,
soaring on soft dove wings for you?

you’re very kind (and you text me a lot),
so would be so kind,
as to fall in love?

My heartbeat's gone all wrong
A stuttering flutter of rhythmic butter
Something this *****'s been slipping on
And what is the tempo marking, dear?
Quarter note equals freakin’ infinity
It's come to my attention, I fear
I never breathed a note this long

Her lips constant at the utterance
Of sweet and serene words filled
With adoration, praising him,
He who made endless hearts
do cartwheels and somersaults
Of multiple, millions nigh and far
their hearts loving
As long as he’s living

Nonetheless, changing courses
Of history was what she excelled
One glance, one encounter turned

Her lips managing
to do none but stutter
To his shielded heart
no one managed to flutter

His deer like eyes observing
With admiration, eyes sparkling
every look, crook, nook
Of her smile that shook
The worlds and heavens
Devout in his heart and mind

His earth's plates shifting
His massive planets orbiting
He witnessed it all in one being

The gravity of the universe on her
Shoulders heavy from responsibility
The heavens challenging her capability
Her hardships conveyed as she blinked
their dilated orbs communicating
language barriers unstoppable
To what her eyes held

He understood his needs
To care, to cherish, to love,
Feeling his heart pumping blood
Faster, quicker than light
Travelling the dark domains
Undiscovered, just like her soul
That he felt the need to explore
As his heart finally fluttered

This can't go on.
The confusion,
The anxiety,
The difference...
To my usual distance.

I've never felt warmth in my heart
Nor the fluttering of my stomach
Or my heart racing
Due to any person
And so...
These feelings that I have...
When my heart beats
And when my stomach flutters
Without that warmth that I expected
To feel...
I become more confused
And more agitated
Is this what I'm supposed to feel?
Or will the warmth develop
As our hearts unseal?

The confusion is killing me
As I step into the forbidden
And what lays beyond,
Will either become
Bare
Or forever hidden.