Butterflies in my
Stomach,
Stars in my
Eyes.
A grin on your
Face--
You are my
Demise.

I don't know how to start,
Believing with this beginner's luck,
With you here inside my heart,
which I haven't sealed with lock

I don't know what to say
When you're always mouthing, you're okay.

At the end of the day,
Our smiles definitely fade away.

I don't know why we had to end our story
When everything I did, I was not really sorry.

I don't know where did I pulled out this guts
-To try once again
Despite of what you said I've already lost your trust
-Pain, we both gain

I really don't know when we fell out of love
Or maybe we haven't felt it from the start

Dear J
when everything happened the way it did
I thought I'd never be okay
I wanted to end my life
stop being a burden
stop hurting other people
give in to the knife
these past months have changed me
I had no one to talk to
I sat at home
I hated myself , didn't know who to be
thank you for breaking my heart
I guess I had to fall on my face
reach rock bottom
to wanna fight for myself
to realize i need a new start
I still struggle everyday to get out of bed
I cant eat meals
demons occupy my head
but I'm going to live for me now
no longer will I be silenced
or be pushed down
I need to be me
unapologetically me
scarred, broken me
spontaneous me
i need to love me

I feel odd.
No, odd couldn't possibly describe
how I feel at this moment. Its frustration
mixed with gleefulness. Tears paired with a smile.
My muted lips listening to my screaming mind.
I feel a joyous-sadness, like I could dance at wakes
or mourn for a birth. Beating hearts seem to have stopped
as I shriek for undying love. The stars glow a colourful darkness
and the planets rotate in a square. I ascend from
hell's cotton-candy clouds and climb from the depths of heaven.
To love is to sin and to hate is what they praise.
My trees uproot themselves to find a place to drown.
The weeds are what I desire and flowers are a disgrace.
You, my dear, have caused earthquakes to
shake my sturdy world
and nothing is as I thought it was.

{if only you could feel this unease too.
but alas, this cannot be.
even if the brazen skies overhead became a maddening red
with the ocean of darkness made from our galaxy's shadow
spilling between newly found holes in our atmosphere;

even if the laws of gravity made us fall from above
and down towards the dark soil of this earth
whose seeds are planted with the intent of dishonesty
plaguing the lives of all those who dance on the ground;

even if our bodies ceased to exist from this reality,
so that you could no longer see my nervous glances and flushed cheeks,
and the thoughts of each other were the only ideas that drifted
between the turning planets and flickering stars;

you will never love me.

i know that there is no love that you can give to me.
that there is no unease when you think of me.
kisses from my desperate lips will never smother yours
nor shall our fingers adore how they entwined perfectly
between the spaces of our rough hands.

yes, you bring a certain kind of wonderfulness to my life,
one that allows me to carry a radiant smile
but you have brought a certain kind of pain too,
one that is the cause of clenched hearts and
glassy eyed teens trying to keep the darkness from their minds.}

I wonder, {i wonder,}
is this what first love feels like?
{is this what an unrequited love feels like?}

I hope {i truly hope that one day}
you feel this love too. {you'll feel this pain too.}

I think about her often

Laughing, plotting, always ready for fun

Her hair; whipping and dancing around her even on those rare occasions when she was still.

Her eyes; deep pools of teenage confusion betraying the confidence of her smile.

I think about her often, and I hope that she is happy.

When I was sixteen I fell in love with a girl
Who looked like autumn
Long wavy hair the colour of maple leaves
Freckles on her cheeks scattered like raindrops on grass
She felt like home in ways I could never understand

Rose petal lips and silk skin
She had silver knives hidden as collarbones in her chest
They didn’t hurt me until she left
That summer I broke my own heart for her

Falling in love with her was easy
But accepting it was so much harder
She made me feel things I wasn’t supposed to feel

The first time she kissed me was magic
She ghosted her lips across mine
And I didn’t know it had happened
Until it was over
I can still taste the coffee from her lips

My autumn girl
Your heart was filled with wild flowers
You said you’d never change the world
But in one summer you changed mine
To this day I don’t remember how to get back to where I was without you

You ask me why I left
well here's why.
It's because I realized that
my life is mine.

Maybe you think I'm selfish,
well aren't you too?
You said we would support each other
but nothing was ever true.

You had your dreams,
and I watched as they grew,
I guess I forgot,
that I had dreams too.

You said that I'm selfish,
but maybe it's because you didn't understand,
that in a relationship,
it's not about being in the upper hand.

You said that I'm selfish,
it's because you failed to see,
that even someone like me,
had things I wanted to achieve.

Maybe that's why I left you,
maybe I was wrong,
Maybe I should've told you,
that I wanted to be strong.

You say the past is in the past,
yet you want to start all over again,
I agree that the past is in the past,
but I'm sorry, this is the end.

I've found someone else,
and I hope you do too,
someone who wasn't as "selfish" as I was,
someone who can sacrifice for you.

We all have a soulmate,
I once thought it was you.
But the tides have passed,
the sun has set,
and nothing can be reset,
because I've found someone new.

In the first appearance,
of those piercing blue eyes,
my world expanded,
as you so selfishly loved me.

Without any understanding,
of my own selfishness,
we took our first steps,
into a new adventure.

Challenges and triumphs,
we faced them both;
yet it made no difference,
when the end arrived.

Three years of memories,
lessons, and growth.
You have changed,
and I have changed.

Our time has come,
to take our own paths.
Our shared journey,
was that of its own.

The absence of you,
within my life,
will never exist,
within my heart.

I opened the old iPhone I had two years ago and I stumbled upon notes I wrote for her. It happened too long ago which is why I don’t remember if I ever sent any of it.

Reading through them, I remembered how it felt like but not entirely. It’s like knowing how something tastes in your mouth without having the actual thing on your tongue. Looking back, there are parts of me that have not changed. I still believe in changing my ways for that one person, going beyond my threshold in spite of the voices telling me to run away. And still, I also believe in letting go when I know I’m not the person who would make you realize you are better than the ******* you portray yourself to be.

Not too long ago, a friend asked me how I was when I fell in love for the first time. I told her I’m not sure if it really was love that I felt back then. But reading through these notes again, I guess it really was love.

And there it is again; the taste of it without having the very thing. I might have forgotten how it was to be in love. But I have also forgotten how real the pain was. Reading the notes through the voice in my head, I could hear myself breaking. My insides churned, but the sensation didn’t feel complete. So I guess this is how it’s like to remember love that’s no longer there.