You first showed up when I was ten.
I knew who you were but I didn’t want to know you.
I’d read about you in books. Forbidden books.  
How could I explain to my mother that I already knew your name?
I expected you later and I hated you already.

You provided me with the key to a secret club
A place of shame and disgrace.
I wasn’t allowed to talk about you.
A pact of silence between members

Mother said you might make me feel unwell
That was an understatement.
Iron spikes drove through my insides
Steel bars wrapped around me
Spears ****** down my legs.
All I knew was pain
A white-hot, blank-space hurt filling every crevice of my body.

Do you remember that time on the climbing frame with friends?  
I should have been a carefree child but I was dragging a heavy, aching body across the bars.
Or that time I collapsed at school
Head down on the desk, my body could give no more
The school nurse accusing me of faking it.  Telling me you weren’t that bad.  A good friend, really.

Or how about the time you showed up at work.
Made your presence known to everyone
It was described as careless destruction of corporate property
Leaving me humiliated, wages docked to pay for the chair you destroyed.
My inability to control you, a professional failure.
And the other club members offered no sympathy.

You were my constant companion of misery
I didn’t dare attend that party, go on that trip, take that promotion…
You were always waiting around a corner.
And so I withdrew
It became just you and I.  As you wanted.
Defeated. You had won.

Twenty-two years, I suffered in your grip
Twenty-two years of screaming into pillows; body and mind dissolving into agony
But I found a way back.
Suppressed you with chemicals.  I finally discovered me without you.
The person I was supposed to be.

Ten years I have lived without you
Ten years of rebuilding my life, relationships and career.  
I never realised how much control you had
Until that time that I was free.  I emerged.
From a sea of despair. Head now above the deep darkness
I can breathe.

It was a Thursday morning, when the world stopped turning.
Everything I knew, gone in an instant.
The silence, pounding in my ears
I fell, headfirst into a deep hole
Fragments of what had been my existence whirled past me
I had to grab something.  To hold on. To ground myself amidst the chaos.

It was a Thursday morning, when the world stopped turning
An ordinary day in the office, busy yet tedious.
The phone rang.  Nothing out of the ordinary there.
But on the other end was not a colleague. Not a client demanding an answer for a late payment.
There could only be one reason for this call.
The words were said and the world stopped.

It was a Thursday morning when I heard those words.
After a beat, I opened my eyes, released the breath I had been holding.
The world started to slowly turn once more
But it was now a different world.
A world without him.

It was a Thursday morning
All around me, people chatting, gossiping, complaining
They hadn’t felt the seismic change.  
Didn’t know that a life had been lost from the world.
My world.  The centre of my world.
The world I knew fell away on a Thursday morning.

If I could...

If I had the money...

If time were limitless...

I would see lakes reflecting mountains against clear bright skies

Oceans stretching ever outwards to the ends of the world where mysteries lie

Sands, reefs and waves crashing onto white-gold shores

Endless plains, valleys and glens painted in shades of green and gold.



I would learn new skills

Speak ten languages

Take a dance class 

Write a book

Meditate.



I would spend more time with family

Enjoy lazy lunches with friends

Volunteer in the community

Fill my home with dogs.



If I could have...

If I had had the money...

If time had been limitless...

I would have said all the things I needed to say

Looked after myself and others

Been with the people that mattered, when they mattered

Made time to pause and enjoy life

I would regret nothing.

Pathetic

Revolting

Would you take a look at that???

What a mess

****** state

I just say what I think and I think it’s all crap.





I try so hard to earn respect

but his words remain brutal

No constructive criticism

Nothing to learn

except

You’ll always be useless

Never good enough



Appearance

Hair

Clothes

Career

House

Personality

­Crap, pathetic, *******.

Why bother trying?



His harsh words harden my core

anger met with resentment

insult with indifference

Now I rarely cry 

and he rarely notices



Old

Sick

Infirm

Helpless



But I'm still a disappointment to you.





Love

Pride

Apology

Words to save both lives.

We call them beautiful
Colourful
Vibrant.
In reality they are dying
Decaying
The end of vitality.


We call it a hillside aflame
Words of destruction
Used to describe beauty


Life is taken for granted
Death jolts us into awareness
We celebrate new life
The rebirth; the awakening from the dead
And the cycle continues

I think about her often

Laughing, plotting, always ready for fun

Her hair; whipping and dancing around her even on those rare occasions when she was still.

Her eyes; deep pools of teenage confusion betraying the confidence of her smile.

I think about her often, and I hope that she is happy.