To live in glee
January 31, 1935
Ottawa…..
To rest in peace
October 15, 2024
Ottawa

i hear you mother,
i hear you father.
but i cannot feel you father,
but i hear you mother.
vast echoes, calling one another.
cacophony of voices, overlapping each other.
drain drain,
goes my pain.
but when i hear your name,
i feel vain.
pained.
my heart empty.
people, i feel testy.
whenever i hear, i remember,
my originators, my creators,
filling my silent vacators.
i hate all of you.

You left without a word,
Threw me away like a used tissue,
Your own child, your blood,
I still hope you feel pained,
As my absence remains.
May your nights be diffused with sorrow,
As you toss and turn,
As your mind makes a river,
Filled with my own tears,
Flowing through your mind day by day,
I hope my absence makes you ponder,
Weighing down on you each day,
A constant reminder,
Of what you lost when you walked away.
Inhale the bitter cigarette, let it burn your core,
May each breath bring the torment you made me implore.
Now you lie in the grave, and the silence is my wound,
The pain cuts deeper knowing we never met,
After you left.
Never bound.

Pause

Rewind

Play

In forthcoming
  It might have been nice

To give you a reminder
  Instructions, possibly

I’ve only left you duct-tape
  To fix what I’ve broken

So you see,

My father is gone now, passed away
“Keep on smiling”
Is what’d he say
But till this day
I can’t give way

To the tears when the children
Are out there in play
With toys at the park, unbeknownst to the fade
Of the memories at stake
Neurotic gold
Under sun’s rays
Opportunities - but in sickness of health
And I cry,
Yes I cry
How can anyone keep smiling
When my brain isn’t surviving
And I’m left with these tapes
Low quality, garbage
The only good videos are in my mind
But they are too now dissipating

So I just lay and never sleep
Or eat anymore,
In the white clean fresh room
Chained to the bed
beep, beep
One look at the window
Is what my head will allow
The only thing that it can do now
My muscles are weakened,
I’ve forgotten how to walk
And now to talk
So all I have left is my rotting mind
And the grin I’ve kept frozen all this time
For the day I meet him back in heaven
So I can say
“I’ve kept on smiling”

Can you fix me?

Accentuated notes flowing slowly as tears down a motionless face perplexing the spirit.
Impossible to comprehend even when it is expressed nonverbally the agony of losing in a year and soon in the other, one parent and then another, more precisely after his mother, his father.

Always listening...
Buckethead we can truly feel you,
yet never fully understand you.

How can i ask god for a lover
when he didn't even give me a father

I like to forgive people
even if they do me wrong
because what right do I have not forgiving,
when my Father knows every single thing that I have done wrong,
but yet has forgiven me for all of them?

In my prayers I ask God to release me from my anger
my anger towards people,
my anger towards the world.
Because to be frank,
I don't want to live an angry life.
I don't want to live a life full of anger and hate.
I want to live in a perfect world, but I know that is not possible, for mankind makes all kinds of different mistakes.
So instead I trust God, I trust his plan, and because I have that trust, I know that everything will be okay.
Life will be okay with those different mistakes, as long as I trust.

Look back and thank God.
Look Forward and trust God.

I never truly experienced daddy issues,
Even when there were moments when his
Unconventional parenting, gave a hint of
Issue on how he periodically raised us.

Yet, he never did it for any press;
Or aimed for our childhood
To become fodder for magazine covers.
Covered with the words we could remember
From church services, not engaging in the
Practice of parenting, JUST
For public service.

He poured everything he had
Into raising us, drawing from
All he had at hand, from what
Was handed to him- to make him
A man. And for our own youngsters,
We will take the most
Important lessons to raise
Better men.

Open and broken
Love was spoken

Come back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace

Come back to me and be healed
Come to me and find truth revealed

I will always take you back
Find in me what you lack

I am crazy in love with you
I'm not too good to be true

It is the greatest story ever told
Already more than 2000 years old

You just met me and this is crazy
But I love you. Please call me daily

You are my beloved, you I want to bless
It's a love story, child just say: Yes

My love for you is fiercer than a hurricane
Once you feel it you will never be the same

I was broken so I could make you whole
I will heal your beat up and broken soul

All for you I was crucified
Because of you I freely died

I can lead you to the living water, but I can't make you drink
In faith, walk on water. I'll catch you if you start to sink

I am dying just to meet you
I pray that one day, I will greet you

I love you now and forever without end
In courage and compassion, to the world I send

I am in your corner; I will help you fight
And when you are lost, I will be your light

I rejoice for you are alive, no longer dead
In your hunger, I will keep you fed

The blind will see, the lost are found
The lame will walk, mute are filled with sound

The angels sing a heavenly chorus
When we pray for others as they pray for us

The act of forgiveness is truly freeing
Know the unbearable lightness of simply being

It is enough for me just to glow in your presence Lord
As, for an hour or so, I sit, and we are of one accord

For a moment our hearts beat in harmony
As with saints and angels I am in your company

Lord, please come fill this longing deep inside
Flood me with you, as you break me open wide