now
and then
i like
to turn off
the lights
let the moon
and instinct
guide me
swallowed
by the dark
there is no path
   to choose
only chance;
blind luck
balancing upon
   the finest of lines

eyes will adapt
to the pitiful offering
of the clouded crescent
but
there is neither
enough silvery light
nor confidence
to be sure
of safety
for long

in the enveloping darkness
anxiety rises
fear overpowers
and faith
in the self
becomes questionable;
headlights
are flicked on again
in panicked haste

as the road
and its obstacles
become clear once more
i am left
wondering
if i truly believed
i could navigate
without the help
being offered
or
if i simply
wanted to
force myself
into failure

I stand here at the doors of a strange land
Being bid farewell by the parting band
Behind me the bridge burnt by me
I seek the keys to my destiny

I look at the rubble called past
Ahead apprehension and opportunities are cast
Failure, hurt and envy are pitted
Against the edifice I hope to build

When you first fail,
you learn to fear

When you fear,
you continue to fail

When you fear to fail,
you learn nothing

When you fail to fear,
you’ve learned everything.

Why am I
Feeling this low
Why do I feel like
Life is moving too fast
Am I just that slow
That I can't keep up
What is this intense aching
In my heart
These emotions
are too much to bear
Trying to find ways
To make these feelings clear.

Let me reset
one more chance
to give my best
all this blood rushing
through my chest
eager for another shot
at happiness.

Is it just me
or does anybody else see
this life passes by too quickly
Before you even get a moment to breathe
Still trying to find ways to shine
The more I try, The more I feel like
I am running out of time.

Let me reset
one more chance
to give my best
all this blood rushing
through my chest
eager for another shot
at happiness.

Getting older
Should be gracefully changing
Seem to be battling ageing
Each day I lose a little more hope
That the dreams I've set
Will never get met
and that makes me a little depressed

Let me reset
one more chance
to give my best
all this blood rushing
through my chest
eager for another shot
at happiness.

i am exhausted.

sometimes i say things that people never laugh at,
things that people never understand,
things that people never acknowledge.

i am not the person that people
are happy to hear from,
want to see often,
enjoy being with.

after awhile it gets old.
that feeling after i say something
that adds to the conversation,
and no one even acknowledges my presence.

the feeling of a large hand
gripping tightly on your throat.
the feeling from embarrassment,
that heats your body to a thousand degrees.
the feeling of your heart shattering
because no one even noticed you were there.

my eyes start to water,
my hands start to shake,
and then, i freeze.

not freeze, as in temperature,
but as in every fiber in my being
turning to nothing,
and my heart feels broken.

it gets hard to breathe in moments like that.
moments where i pretend to look like i am okay,
and pretend like i am not overly sensitive.
moments where i feel so unwanted,
that i pretend i am not myself.

i hate myself,
and i am exhausted of being me.

how do you get up to nogood
how do you get down to allpain
how do we get over to healing
how do we get over the feeling

you gotta hit rock bottom
boy. you gotta hit rock bottom
they know. and can show the way

it must be pure heaven, this rock bottom
you gotta go through every turn they took
can they really read into your future?
you can read them like a book

crossing all of their burned bridges
and "biden can kiss my ***"
when we get to the station
don't forget to get the gas

are we in toughlove?
god i can't get enough love!
i just can't get enough of
the local dialect in toughlove

Sometimes I’ll rouse, in darkest night, to a twilit form, bending over me, so closely we’re sharing the same still air. I never startle, I somehow know, even before I’m completely awake, that it’s not mortal.

This malevolent force stalks time worn halls like disease. It thrives on inertia and stress, it drinks in fatigue like a vampire devours blood and slowly chews on fragile-hopes until they’re desiccated and smell like rotten flesh.

This death like thing waits for each of us, in tedium, as danger hides in shadow - growling with sullen impatience to smother us.

It’s name is failure. Sometimes, I’m so afraid.