Voices in my head constantly tell me I'm not enough, gorgeous enough, thin enough.
They tell me I should change who I am because I won't be loved looking rough.
They tell me I should have a smaller nose, smaller thighs, smaller everything.
They say "you're prettiest friends are your thinner ones. If you wanna be like them then stop eating every single little thing."
I'm disgusting, they say. I'm unworthy of love and I'll never find it.
"GET YOURSELF THIN." they scream. "AND YOU'LL FIND TRUE LOVE IN A BIT."
The voices are cruel. They never let up. They tell me "All of your thin friends get the guys attention, you don't because you're ugly and fat."
"They never give you a second thought because you're too big." They spat.
I know I'm ugly and fat. I'm not thin. My mind is a toxic place so I'm giving up and giving in.

black empty expanse
my eyes meet the mirror
I consider shaving my head
removing my eyebrows
match outside to in
ugly and empty
I wish I could rip off petals
set myself on fire like a monk
reach nirvana by golden chariot
starve myself until I disappear
drink until I collapse forever
but I put my hair up
make a cat wing eyeliner
smile with bleached teeth
fix my dyed hair
use metallic red lipstick
consider plastic surgery
I don't want to be here, I mouth
the mirror knows already
but there's only one way out
instead, I put on my nicest dress
hoping that someday I find
a way to match inside to out

“You will never regret recovery.”
I am regretting every minute of it.

distorted view,
piece of glass,
i am society’s lower class.

To eat or not to eat?
To disappear into nothingness or to grow and blossom?
To live or to die?
To diet to live?
To live to diet?
To fail or to succeed?
To be strong or to be weak?
To drown or to float?
To be who I am or to be who I wish I were?
To accept imperfection or to strive for perfection?
To be happy and content or to be sad and eternally unsatisfied?
To eat or not to eat?

"Hey, I heard about your dad, hope everything is ok?"
It's not ok.
Of course it's not ok.
Nothing is ok.
My dad is lying in isolation in intensive care.
Although he doesn't look like my dad anymore.
He's so ill, even my uncle who's a doctor is crying.
I'm scared for him.
I miss him.
Even when he awake he's not really there because he's so confused.
I miss my dad.
I want him back.
He's not ok.
I have to get my work done otherwise I'll fail my course.
But I can't do it.
I can't say this to anyone.
I just can't open up because I'm scared I'll be seen differently.
That's not ok.
Everything is out of control.
That's not ok.
So I'm controlling my food and my weight.
But it's so stressful.
I want everything to stop.
I want everything to be ok.
"Yeh it's all good thanks, how are you?"

Saline streams ran down my cheeks and found it's way to my lips
Glitter and shine like sequins as they drip down the terrain,
Seeping into the cracks in a desperate attempt to drink the life I've given up

I'm older now but nothing has changed
My wine still tastes like bitter childhood and my cigarettes smelled like my father
(Or maybe my father smelt like cigarettes, I couldn't tell)
A bag of anger packaged in Mcdonald's chicken nuggets sat on my work desk like a trophy to behold

I was only 6 when the first crack in my heart ran through
My mother told me that maybe copious amounts of cheesy fries and roasted chicken would somehow motivate my body to fill it up
I needed reassurance that would coat it in resin
Give it another layer of protection
But she gave me a bag of hard candy so I could sculpt around it

My body shook and my voice cracked as my father left my the family for the 3rd time and I knew my trust was gone forever
But that's fine because 7-Eleven is down the streets
And they have a promo for chocolate-vanilla ice cream
All I needed was a cone to catch the tears as I swallowed it down like melted sugar syrup

I tell myself that adding chocolate chips into my depression would not make it taste sweeter
But when I took a bite out of that cookie, I could barely tell I've been crying
And a few mugs of mocha drowned the thought deep into my mind

I'm older now
But my taste buds still have me ******* on a chain
And it feels like the only way to escape
Is to jump down the abyss

One day, 6 years ago
suddenly it was there
I didn't see it coming
it crawled under my skin
into my head
settled in my thoughts

One day, 6 years ago
I started to feel
how no one should feel
ugly
unworthy
unlovable
suddenly I felt uncomfortable
in my forever home

One day, 6 years ago
my skin
my own body became my prison
my head
my own thoughts felt like hell

One day, 6 years ago
I stopped
eating
sleeping
I became someone
I never imagined to be

One day, 5 years ago
I somehow started to recover
I learned to be good on my own
that I don't need anybody
I recovered on my own

One day, 4 years ago
I realized
those thoughts and habits never left
but it didn't matter
I somehow managed to live with them

One day, 3 years ago
those thoughts became worse
I hid them
no one was allowed to see all this
all this **** that's going on in my head

One day, 2 years ago
I lost every loved one
I felt like I'm losing myself
still with a smile on my face

One day, 1 year ago
I realized how bad i became again
I realized I never truly recovered
my mind was hell itself

One day, today
I haven't become better
but that is not my worst
I want to become better
I truly want to become better.