We are not afraid of the mirror,
We are afraid of the monster it shows.
We are afraid of porcelain skin
stained red,
afraid of never finding the bone,
afraid of never finding the very
core essence of our control.
I am afraid of being too much,
of not being enough,
of this skinny love
for a non-skinny reflection,
afraid of failing
if I am never able to see
my porcelain bones
imprinted on porcelain skin,
my very core
protruding from within.

I am my own control.
and one day,
I shall see it in the mirror,
even if I have to fall into it
and become the monster within.

Take those fingers out of your mouth
Stop counting every calorie
You are not a mathematician


Because you always hated math

How she moved so carelessly
when touched by the evening breeze
she sparkled like the light ***** in the night sky
however, I heard the anguish in her laugh
she consistently kissed me like it was her last kiss
danced as if it was her last dace
lived as if it was her last night
fascinated by everything
but I was only fascinated by her
how tiny her fingers were around her cigarette
how her bones looked like
they were about to leave her body
I never understood
But as she took off
Her bones became stardust
longing to get home
now I understand
that she never was supposed to be here with me
god had other plans for my angel

when the night comes and I'm all alone
the demons appear to torment me
until once more I'm a clone
I lay in bed
while they're still inside my head
wondering...
what will tomorrow be like?
will I want to eat?
skip my nightly workouts
will my eating disorder finally be beat?
will I cry as many tears as I did tonight?
or will I finally put myself first
and decide to fight?
will there be a day, this is in the past
when will this be over how long is this going to last?
I shouldn't raise my hopes
I'm told, "That's just life". I guess
I just haven't learned to cope
when I was little
the monsters were under the bed
but as I got older
they now live inside my head

I've had an eating disorder since I was 13 years old.
I ate and ate to fill the void I had, the intense abandonment and anxiety issues I was dealing with.
Then I came out the other side and I would take so many weight loss pills to make me sick and I took so many laxatives to make me have to run to the bathroom every hour.
I restricted my eating, counted my calories and I would go on 72-hour fasts.
Then something happened, I went on a mission trip and I was forced to eat food. I was forced to like what I was eating and I liked it.
Eating wasn't so bad. I wasn't eating myself sick and I wasn't starving myself to insanity.
When I got back I had gained almost all the weight I had lost and I was so upset.
But I didn't have it in me to continue to starve myself again.
I've gained a lot of weight but I don't care anymore. Now I just want to be healthy and love myself regardless of what I look like.
And you should too.

Is it the caffeine
or the hunger that’s keeping
me up every night?

the lights
d i m
im told to lay down.
candles are
put in a circle around
me they ask,
“do you hate your body?”
i say
“yes”
they slice of a slab of
flesh from my
stomach
they repeat,
“do you hate your body?”
i say even
louder now,
“yes”
they slash off more flesh
but now from the inside of my
thighs
they repeat one last time,
“do you hate your body?”
i scream
“Y
    E
       S!”
the candles blow out.
the ceiling opens up to
reveal a
starry night sky and they speak for the last time
“you are reborn”

-getting rid of my eating disorder

why does the
fat on
my body keep
me warm,
but my heart cold?

-self conscious