A hole in my head
I can’t think.
A hole in my heart
I can’t feel.
A hole in my stomach
I can’t eat.
My body is full of big, empty holes.
Am I going to disappear?

ribs exposed
mirrored full image
abandoned health
Wasting away waist
*******
to say a goodbye
to both people
and food
you can cure darkness
but it won't stop it
from invading my body again

Tik tok tik tok
When will I be thin?
I’ve been starving myself all these years
I really can’t seem to win

The number drops a little  
Then followed by some more
How much more of this treacherous time
Will I be able to endure?

I see that I am changing
But never quick enough
How come no one ever told me
Starving is this tough

If I could go back and eat
I want to said I would
But my brain has tricked me
And never tells me that I should

I can’t go back at this point
If only I was thin
Maybe it would make this game
So much easier to win

i don’t need to eat i say
i’m filling something else instead
The Monster that lurks around every corner
the one that whispers to me at night
She controls my every thought
if  i am good to Her
She is good to me
i want to make Her happy
want to bring Her joy as we look in the mirror and step on the scale
displeasing Her is bad
It leads to tear filled nights
so i do what she wants make Her happy
day in and day out
until She consumes me

"have you lost weight?"

i never know how to give an honest answer regarding this innocently loaded question. most days i feel weightless, floating through the motions.

i've been socially conditioned to take the question as a compliment, but my past eating disturbances only trigger sheer panic, inciting vehement rejections.

maybe i've physically lost weight because food tastes different after your departure. mentally, the weight of your memories bears down on me.

sometimes i feel like atlas; the weight of reality is soul crushing. i feel like i take up too much space: in your office, in your time, and definitely in your inbox, but never in your mind.

i've been starved of your presence for too long, and i'm growing dizzy and weak.

a lot of the time i just don't feel like putting effort into mere existence. i have trouble closing filing cabinets in my brain until i spew out the trivial information that's cluttering my head.

i'm hoping to purge you from my thoughts by this continuous writing of confessionals i'll never send, and maybe i'll finally be weightless.