The only thing I’m good at is being drunk.

Drinking away
my thoughts.
Drinking away
my feelings.

It dances on my tongue
It’s like fire in my lungs
With every sip
I forget
And my body feels numb
My brain finally calms
I feel a peace now
My eyes start to close
Some momentary bliss
I’m numb
Just drunk enough to feel better
Not drunk enough to die
That’s the way that I like it
Somewhere in between awake and not
I just can’t stand to feel anymore
I hate myself
That ***** but
That’s the truth
I have nothing to offer
And even though I know that’s a lie
I still can’t help but to believe it
I try so hard
But I always come short
They tell me I’m wrong
That I have so much to offer
But I can’t see that all the time
Only some times
And the times that I don’t
I feel that it’s wrong
So here I am
Drinking what could be coffee
And what could be *** and coke
But I think we all know it’s the latter
I just want to quit
Quit life
Quit existence
But I know that’s no option
And I’m sorry that crossed my mind
It’s another way I failed
It seems like that’s all I do lately
But I try
I swear to God I try
This God that I want to believe in
And I see all my friends on fire for him
And I want that
I crave that
But I don’t even know if I truly believe
Do I?
Or do I just want to?
Maybe that’s what’s really wrong
I don’t know
I hate not knowing
But you can’t know
Not with something like this
But there has to be
I refuse to believe there is not God
Because if there is not
Why the hell have I suffered so
There has to be a reason
I need there to be a plan
Is it so bad to believe in God out of desperation?
What if that’s all I have?
Have I completely failed?
I have
And I hate that
I can’t even survive on my own
God, I just want some release
And that is such a dangerous prayer
It’s like asking for forgiveness or patience
You know what they say about that
You ask for it
Then get opportunities instead
That’s not what I want
I want an answer
I want to release the fire in my veins
I want to know that my life meant something
That way I can leave this place
I can die
Knowing I left it just a little better
But I will never know that
And I can’t leave some of these people
And so my sentence
For all the wrong I’ve done
Is survival
And it feels like a violation
Of any claim I have to the eighth amendment
And I’m sorry
I’m sorry that this is how I feel
I’m sorry for being this way
I’m sorry for making your lives harder
I’m sorry
So if this was my letter
That letter people write to say goodbye
I’d tell you thank you
Thank you for helping me live this long
For making me smile and laugh
That you for giving me things to look forward to
Thank you for so so much
There is no way I could write it all down
But that’s not what this is
I won’t die tonight
I’m just drunk
And even if I wasn’t
I wouldn’t
It may be trivial but
I have conventions to go to
My cat to snuggle
Cows to meet
And people I love
Even if I can’t love me.

It's sort of funny in the saddest way.
To find pieces of myself in a man that was never really a part of my life at all.
I wish I knew you well enough to have memories other than playing trivia at a table by the bar watching you stay well past last call.
Fighting with your wife over who would drive home.
Spending every other weekend you had with me staring at the bottom of empty bottles.
And slurring "I love you's" like I might believe them.
Isn't it all I ever wanted?
To be loved by you?
And does anything ever really change?
Can people really change?
You were sober for 5 years after you almost lost your life.
But now I keep waking up to drunk text messages.
Parallel to your drunken confessions in the middle of the night while six year old me tried to comfort you.
Biting my tongue and staring at the cieling fan so I wouldn't cry.
I don't have to hide the tears anymore because you're in another city and I won't ever tell you how bad you hurt me.
But Dad I keep letting men hurt me who tell me they love me at 2 am and I wish I didn't feel like it's because of you.

drink the cold away
with lovingly boiling whiskey,

light up a couple smokes,
sit back

and feel your
eternal love
for
Black Sabbath;

smile,
stretch,
thank the Gods-

repeat.

did i miss u enough to drink or did i drink enough to miss u?
i honestly have no clue.
i want to drink to have fun.  
but that can’t seem to happen anymore.
i just drink n miss u more.
i love u so much.
why you gotta make me drink like this?

I was drunk once.
Drunk on love,
drunk on lust.

I was drunk,
warm and full.

You were sober,
cold and empty.

The moon got drunk

and missed the show

that starless saturday night

while I was freezing

on the park bench

circles of smoke

around my head

heaps of ashes

at my feet

writing a merry christmas

postcard to you