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Taji Jun 2019
I never planned on falling in love with you.
In fact, I tried my hardest not to.
All those efforts?
All that time?
It amounted to nothing.
I failed.
However, I have never been happier not to succeed.
I adore you.
Every little thing.
You, make me better.
You, make me love everything.
I love you.
I can’t explain it.
I can’t describe it.
Too many words.
Too few words.
I can’t.
I want to, but I can’t.
So, I’m asking you to accept this.
My love.
I wish that these words,
These, unworthy,
Uncreative words, find their mark.
I hope they speak to your soul.
The same way that they speak to mine.
A burning whisper that excites and calms.
You, mean everything to me.
I love you, with all my heart.
I fell in love with my best after trying not to. I’m glad I failed.
Taji Jun 2019
You don’t get to come back
You can keep your lies
I know you didn’t try
Lighting up is all you had in your eyes
So me and guys and her
We suffered from the choices per
The addiction you let control you
One with drugs
One who lost
One with debt
And one who died
We all cried
We mourned what you took
What you stole
What we lost
We can’t retrieve that time
But the four of us
No, three,
That’s two for me
Will make it up
So when you hear me
And ask,
When you can come back
The answer is
When you clean up your act
I wrote this about about the sudden reemergence of my biological family and the emotions that come with that.
Taji Mar 2019
And it was strange,
After all that time
Our paths crossed again
Back then,
We weren’t ready.
Too awkward,
Too immature,
Too young.
But now,
We are settled in who we are,
We’re still fun, but we’ve grown some,
We’ve aged,
Quite beautifully I might add.
Maybe now,
After all this time
After growing apart
We’ve grown back together
Maybe now
We’re ready.
For an old friend, and new possible love
Taji Jan 2019
It dances on my tongue
It’s like fire in my lungs
With every sip
I forget
And my body feels numb
My brain finally calms
I feel a peace now
My eyes start to close
Some momentary bliss
I’m numb
Just drunk enough to feel better
Not drunk enough to die
That’s the way that I like it
Somewhere in between awake and not
I just can’t stand to feel anymore
I hate myself
That ***** but
That’s the truth
I have nothing to offer
And even though I know that’s a lie
I still can’t help but to believe it
I try so hard
But I always come short
They tell me I’m wrong
That I have so much to offer
But I can’t see that all the time
Only some times
And the times that I don’t
I feel that it’s wrong
So here I am
Drinking what could be coffee
And what could be *** and coke
But I think we all know it’s the latter
I just want to quit
Quit life
Quit existence
But I know that’s no option
And I’m sorry that crossed my mind
It’s another way I failed
It seems like that’s all I do lately
But I try
I swear to God I try
This God that I want to believe in
And I see all my friends on fire for him
And I want that
I crave that
But I don’t even know if I truly believe
Do I?
Or do I just want to?
Maybe that’s what’s really wrong
I don’t know
I hate not knowing
But you can’t know
Not with something like this
But there has to be
I refuse to believe there is not God
Because if there is not
Why the hell have I suffered so
There has to be a reason
I need there to be a plan
Is it so bad to believe in God out of desperation?
What if that’s all I have?
Have I completely failed?
I have
And I hate that
I can’t even survive on my own
God, I just want some release
And that is such a dangerous prayer
It’s like asking for forgiveness or patience
You know what they say about that
You ask for it
Then get opportunities instead
That’s not what I want
I want an answer
I want to release the fire in my veins
I want to know that my life meant something
That way I can leave this place
I can die
Knowing I left it just a little better
But I will never know that
And I can’t leave some of these people
And so my sentence
For all the wrong I’ve done
Is survival
And it feels like a violation
Of any claim I have to the eighth amendment
And I’m sorry
I’m sorry that this is how I feel
I’m sorry for being this way
I’m sorry for making your lives harder
I’m sorry
So if this was my letter
That letter people write to say goodbye
I’d tell you thank you
Thank you for helping me live this long
For making me smile and laugh
That you for giving me things to look forward to
Thank you for so so much
There is no way I could write it all down
But that’s not what this is
I won’t die tonight
I’m just drunk
And even if I wasn’t
I wouldn’t
It may be trivial but
I have conventions to go to
My cat to snuggle
Cows to meet
And people I love
Even if I can’t love me.
Drunken rambling and trying to make sense of things
Taji Aug 2018
You were like black coffee
But lovely
Your soul was dark
And strong
Not everyone could appreciate you
But the ones who did
Truly did
We won’t be appreciated by everyone and not everyone can see how lovely we are but some people do, and they are the important ones
Taji May 2018
I, The extroverted wallflower
Want you to see me,
While you look right past me.
I, The extroverted wallflower
Want to stand out
While I blend in.
I, The extroverted wallflower
Want you to close your lips
And talk to me.
I, The extroverted wallflower
Want to be alone
In a room of people  
I the extroverted wallflower
Want you to know who I am
While you know nothing of me.
I the extroverted wallflower
Am privately open.
I, The extroverted wallflower
Am neither here
Nor gone.
It’s an interesting existence
Taji Apr 2018
Your voice was like velvet
It danced in my ears
To a tune so sweet and so kind
They were words that I knew
but the rhythm was new  
So soon that your soul danced with mine
We twirled through the tables
And the lines oh so long
We tapped by the ice cream and cones
We swung past the dishes and the forks and the spoons
We could not stop us we flew through the air
And one point at lunch
I looked up and you
It was then that I knew
My soul had found
The one whom it loved
Somewhere between accents and lunch tables.
Happy birthday Lord Muffin Cat, I love you
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