Voices in my head constantly tell me I'm not enough, gorgeous enough, thin enough.
They tell me I should change who I am because I won't be loved looking rough.
They tell me I should have a smaller nose, smaller thighs, smaller everything.
They say "you're prettiest friends are your thinner ones. If you wanna be like them then stop eating every single little thing."
I'm disgusting, they say. I'm unworthy of love and I'll never find it.
"GET YOURSELF THIN." they scream. "AND YOU'LL FIND TRUE LOVE IN A BIT."
The voices are cruel. They never let up. They tell me "All of your thin friends get the guys attention, you don't because you're ugly and fat."
"They never give you a second thought because you're too big." They spat.
I know I'm ugly and fat. I'm not thin. My mind is a toxic place so I'm giving up and giving in.

I know something's wrong
So I try to lose myself in song

It starts when I compare
My shape to the one over there
And I sit and despair

Whenever I hear someone's size
I look and memorize
So later I can beat myself up
For not looking like that in someone's eyes

I hate clothes shopping
Because my clothes are never in the front half of the rack
At home I always end up crying

When I got sick
And my stomach ached
They said to just make myself puke


I froze
I got scared
Because if I did, and I learned how
Who knows how many times
I would use that knowledge

It's been a horrific few years
Pushing through eating disorders and enough tears to dappen my feet
But never truly drown my demons
Emotions left harbouring inside,
Like the food I stocked in cupboards that I'll never be brave enough to eat
But I've got through the hard times
And I just wish I had someone to tell me everything would be alright
Now I'm left with a body that I despise, but a better frame of mind
Suffering long term for mistakes I thought would make me feel better

poke
squeeze
pinch

of the parts of me i despise

imagine
fantasize
wish

of a different vessel than which i am trapped in

remembering
recounting
recalling

of a day where i was taught to accept parts of my body i cannot change

understanding
realizing
knowing

although such a day failed to come,
the sun brings me another to try again

Six was the fall
climb and reach for it
motivated by your all
you let me go, into the pit
into the void
how could I have let this happen, the periodical sin
to let you avoid
a lot more than my skin

six minus all
it's pretty hard to recall
when I was a slave to your orders
manifesting disorders
using me
for your sick desires
you weren't the key
but you flaunted it, spread around like wildfire

here you made me crawl
as I followed your every demand
shattered me in the rainfall
scattered the shards with your very own hand
if I knew it would turn out like this,
on that very special day near the end of autumn
I would've declined that kiss
and it'd be not him.

i hate so much hating myself
my skin
my arms
my waist
my legs
and all my body
'cause I'm a living, breathing creature
who can walk and talk and think and feel
my body works perfectly
and it has done so much
just to keep me alive.
my body loves me,
so why can't I love it back?

i hate how no matter how we're born
we are taught to despise
every bit of ourselves.

i hate how we learn to hate food
while so many are starving
for real reasons.

i hate this tortuous looks in the mirror
and this never ending cycle.

i hate how we try so hard to
make our outside look pretty
while we empty our insides.

i hate how our society
damages young girls and boy's brains.
i hate how they'll never feel whole
and proud of themselves.

i hate how socially acceptable it is
to do whatever it costs to lose weight
and i hate how we applaud
when people do.

i hate how we think it's okay
to comment in other people's appearance
as if it was meant for us
to define what they should look like.

i hate how hypocrites we are
talking about how wrong all this is
but reproducing this all the time.

i hate how no one actually cares
until it's too late.
and i hate how we're all broken,
pretending to be okay.

"You have to eat"

But no, I don't

I've already proved,

That I can survive

without food, without sleep,

living simply on negative emotion

trying to be worth it while

destroying with a worthless body in the process.

So don't say,

that I have to eat

It’ll come back to you
They keep telling me
But they don’t get it,
The way darkness creeps inside of my mind,
The way it makes my insides tremble so loudly-
My body’s natural response begins to follow suit,
My leg brushes against the corner of my desk
Just enough to be irritating;
Momentarily distracting me from the object of my attention
I stare at the same blank notebook in front of me
Until the lines begin to blur into one single color;
Hypnotizing me in an almost unbreakable trance
I can’t remember when I started losing myself,
Losing the things,
I thought once defined me
But somewhere…
Embedded beneath the buzzing distractions
My mind taunts me with,
Is one simple word etched into the center of it all
It’s been so long since anyone’s called me it-
A ‘writer’ that is,
My fingertips no longer remember the familiar smoothness
Of my favorite pencil,
My mind has gone dark,
My thoughts only continue to grow louder
Everything inside of me has vanished
Completely submerged into the darkness,
Covered in a sticky grotesque black
That stains everything it touches
I can’t see inside myself anymore
My fingertips don’t dare write a word
Of the war going on inside of my mind
Maybe, some things are better left unfound

The scarcity of clarity gained
From a three day aching
stomach
;
My only blessing, hollowness;
Hallowed this, I lie
Laying in an anguish

starved of satisfaction;

My cupboards full of treats
I wish I could just eat
Instead of planing my life around
Stock piled up like the world is ending
But I'm scared of venturing out of my comfort zone
Leaving the bunker my mind's created
Incase I gain too much weight or loose my ****** shape
Ruled by a number on a packet
Pushed down my a disorder in my head.