It's difficult to bare my soul
To let you know the things
That I let no one know
It's difficult to say the words
That I wish so dearly to have you hear
And not knowing how you'll respond
I've developed a fear
Slowly ever so slowly I try to let go
I try to say the things I feel
To let you know
That I care that I'm here that I miss you
Too much
But I sound pathetic
To my own ears
And I want nothing more than
To shut up
But once I start
I can't seem to stop
The words fight to escape
And I'm left feeling lost
I'm trapped in a daze
Lost in a maze
How can I tell you
How much you mean
If I can't bear to see
Or hear what you'd say
Why can't I tell you
And why does it hurt
If I say nothing it threatens come out
It wants to be heard
And I don't doubt
It would gladly escape
At just the wrong moment
And ruin my happiness
And all that we have
If I say something
It hurts just to hear
The words sound pathetic
And I feel so cruel
To myself and I say
The things I fear
How will you react
Did you even hear?
You don't always,
You don't always respond
And that makes me more lost
I don't know
What to say
Or what that means
But it hurts
And this pain
...
It wants to be seen
How do I bare my soul
To another
Even though I know
That we could very well leave each other
What keeps me going
What keeps me here
Why do I feel this way
When you do not?
You are nervous sure
But you say you feel different
Like suddenly you believe in love
And the things that come with it
And I
I feel the same
But I've always believed
And I've know this would be difficult
But this?
A past me, would not believe.
This wreck I am becoming
This crushing weight of me
Of you
Of us?
What does this all mean
When I want to say
The things that dash around my brain
But
You
Don't
Always
Hear.
And I bare my soul
In just one moment
I just let go
And there it is
Left out
In the open
But you
You didn't hear...
And I know
I can't bring myself to repeat.
The words I spoke
Are words I would never say
Words that escaped through some hole
In my soul
And found a way
Word *****
One might think
But something I hide
Is what I think
I want to say what I said
Again
But
What you would say
Leaves me in internal pain
To no end
I couldn't do it
I couldn't repeat
I couldn't bare my soul
I had to miss that beat.
I can't
I don't know why
I trust you with so many things
And I do
I care
And I know that you
Mean so much to me
But I'm afraid
Of too many things
I'm still unsure
Of how to be me.
And how can I bare my existence to you
If I can't even do that
For me?
And I know this poem
Isn't over
It's just not finished yet
But I can't seem to
Find the words
To be able to say
The things that truly
Want to escape
How do I talk to you?
How do I stop hiding
How do I unlock my cage
How do I let these things so sacred
Escape?
And what?
Find their way to you?
You, the unknown?
You, the unsure variable
The confusing algebraic equation
The one I could spend hours working on
Slaving away
Paper and pen
Still not knowing
How to solve or what to say.
How will you react
When you realize what I am
Who I am
I've told you things before
Things no one knows.
But yet
...
To fully bare my soul?
To say the things
I've locked away
The things kept from prying eyes
The things I hide from MYSELF?
I want to say it all.
And it's terrifying
Because what
What will you say?
What will you do??
What if I lose you???
I should shut up
I know it
So I will
I'm sorry
I'm going to snap
I'm going to break
I'm going to blow up
And end this place
My palace of lies
Will come crumbling down
The cracks are already
Easily found
Big and small
With jagged edges
Much like the heart
That keeps on begging
What do I,
Or it even want?
This is too long
I'm stuck in a rut
...
Sorry
That is the end.
But why am I still so frustrated!!!
Why is my heart mind and soul still filled with this hatred!!
Why do I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart?!?!
Why do I feel so broken, like a shattered work of art
....
Why can't I shed a single tear
And I sit here
And everything is so unclear
...
And I want to say I'm sorry
But I don't know how to say
It or anything else
And this has grown too long
And my feelings are too ****** difficult to overcome
And I need to just let go.
But I can't until you know.
So I'll say it
Or rather send it
And I don't know how you'll react
And I'm terrified
Like a trapped rat
But I'll do it
And I'll see where it leads
I'm not one for trust falls
I've always caught myself just a hair before
Stumble and save myself
Because what if they aren't there?
Because they don't need me anymore
And what if they is you and you are them
And they are the world and you are my world
And everything is lie
And I'm still ******* trapped in my never-ending mind!
....
But I'll try
I'll let myself attempt
I'll turn my back
And hope that you
Won't be the Brutus to my Caesar.
That the words "es tu brute?"
Won't escape my lips
And hope
That I will fall
And that you will catch me
And that it will be okay
Because I will trust you
Even through my own anxiety.
