Last month of the year
Last chance to fix your broken resolutions.

I've given up writing December.
I swear I tried, but these lines
don't seem to care; The drugs never work.
The haze of blinking eyes and wasted time
feels like infinity. I want to misremember
those wide eyed faces and your smirk
when you said you were mine. (Words like knives.)
I knew it was fatal as soon as you whispered that lie.
I swear... I've given up this December.
My words can't dig up the dirt
to bury these Winter memories
and these lonely goodbyes...

December
The month of
nameless living.
Darkness so thick
it blinds your eyes
and fills your mouth
like a pillow smothering
your face;
like a swollen tongue
so large,
you can no longer breathe.

The month of
Pain so deep
it became it’s own
brand,
seared deep into
faded, grey flesh.

In deep skies preaching storm clouds
Swinging between life and fate
I lost all the faith I captured from
My most nurtured brutal days
To my inherited nightmares.
The wrath of my stale sand
Cried for my world's flipped smile,
The turning tides wrapped a tempest
Inside the ballads of my December nights
And I finally digged my dreams inside.
I pulled myself over the floor
Before sinking down into the waves
But the concern remained over rejections
And the crimson heart waited
To defeat my drained destiny
But I crashed and failed again !

i refuse to keep blaming you for what happened between us.

you tried your best to keep me happy and you always made sure i fell asleep before you. sometimes i lied about that because you'd post things that scared me and i needed to make sure you were okay. i guess i wasn't the only one who lied.

baby, do you remember that night in december when you told me you wanted to **** yourself and i found you by the railroad tracks? do you remember seeing my body next to yours? do you remember when i wouldn't let you go home because i couldn't watch you? my best friend slept over that night also because she didn't want me to worry about you even though you were right next to me.

maybe we both tried too hard, maybe we lied a little too much and maybe we shouldn't have even tried in the first place. sometimes i wonder what my life would've been if i hadn't met you. we hurt each other. you sent me pictures of blood dripping down your arm and it hurt me to the point where i had to sleep in my mom's room to ensure that i wouldn't hurt myself. you caused an aching in my heart and body that i've never experienced before and if there's a god up there, i pray that nobody hurts me and causes me as much pain as you did. you wrecked me. but i demolished you and walked around like i did nothing. it's been 7 months since we ended and i refuse to blame you for everything.

i remember the night when i took a few pills and you took your dad's car all the way across town to take me to a hospital. sometimes i wish i didn't tell you and others i wish i didn't take the pills. i think after that i realized that you were one of the most addictive drugs out there and i was hooked from the second we met.

i hope you realize i don't hate you anymore. i hope you realize that i take responsibility for what i did. it wasn't all your fault. i'm sorry. i miss you.