I miss you being a part of my life,
but then again,
you never really were.
Just a person that i was supposed to love and call
'Dad'
now I'm sitting here wishing i knew
how to love someone
the way a father loves a daughter,
but i'll never know how
and it kills me.

Writing about my Mother and Father never seemed like it would be an easy feat
But so far this summer has been all about
Self Discovery and I guess
it would be wise to know your roots before you explore the Tree

I don't know much about my roots except that
They're Korean
My Father was 10 years older than my Mother
I was not their first child

I call them Mother and Father because those words are cold, bitter, distant, cordial
"Mom" feels warm, like fresh baked chocolate chip cookies (Grandma's famous recipe, of course)
"Dad" tastes like the sly, goofy smile as he says "So what did I buy you today?"

I've always dreamed of the day when I stand opposite my Mother
I even scripted out the words I'd say to her
First, Anger
Then, Confusion
Why, Mother?
Why?
Lastly,
Forgiveness
Because even though she "abandoned" me,
She did give me life.

My Father, well
I never really thought about him
This Father's Day, though?
I did.

I have nothing to say about him, except that I imagined he was, perhaps, a businessman.
I wonder if he loved my Mother

Why are you writing about these two people you've only ever met once in your life?
Even that statement smells of uncertainty.
Why would you waste your tears on these ugly human beings?
Accept the fact that you'll never know.

No.

I refuse to accept the truth.
Let me be hurt by their doings but
I know I was not a mistake

Love is jumping into the void knowing no one will be there to catch you and taking that risk anyways
I needed answers and maybe one day I'll get them but for now I am content with what I have.

I have Love, as twisted as it seems,
I will always have Love because Love
is what they gave me

From my bedroom window,
I can see a lime green ribbon
Constricting itself around a tree.
Lynching the last inch of life
From a being
That stood strong for a half of a century.
As each leaf wilts and falls it is a reminder that nothing is ever permanent.
Everything dies eventually.
In our family,
Green is worn proud
Above our hearts
The star of David guiding us on our way
But something to be ashamed of.
A color that condemns our family to endure your sympathetic stares
That follow us everywhere.
It is as if we are the main attraction of your circus:
Come see the dying, the crying, and the bald.
But to us, one ribbon wrapped around are hearts
Represents a million words wrapped into one.
Especially the ones never said.
The I love yous
The I need yous
The I’m sorrys
And the goodbyes
It is an endless cycle
Of CAT scans, and chemo, and radiation, and surgery, and blood tests, over and over.
If only to slow the process of
Cells detonating themselves
In a body that was never strong enough to fight it.
Strong arms cannot hold the weight of their daughter’s broken hearts
Or their sons missed football games,
Or their wives plan less anniversaries
When they carry their own mortality
We never knew that our man of steel,
Would become our man of sleepless nights,
No longer able to carry his children to bed at night.
The only person to guide through our disjointed lives
What ifs become your safe haven as well as your nightmare?
And your reality becomes mixed with fatality.
And eventually, you don’t know the difference.
Prayers become a lost hope,
Church becomes a last resort
And treatment becomes useless
Because it is a diagnosis that no one can escape.
I never understood “When someone is diagnosed with cancer, everyone around them is as well.”
And dad know that when I look into your lifeless eyes
Mine will mirror it.

What a man you were
Your knuckle, hard as rock
Knocking on my seven year old skull
Flash anger that came from nowhere
Did I remind you of someone you hated?
I remember, buckets of years ago
Now you, with “old timer’s”
Those days forgotten
Now, my time to disappear
By tomorrow, you would have disremembered me
But I remember, I still carry the lump

And this is the way you survive losing a father.
4am. Icy air. Whispering trees.
And this is the way you drive to an abandoned place.
Eyes swollen shut. Blank Faces. Sleepless nights.
And this is the way you stop listening to all the beeping, the screaming.
To walk into a room without falling to your knees.
To hold a hand of an absent creature.
And this is the way to follow a heart pound.
As if it weren’t the only sign he was still there.
To leave for just a moment.
To cry as you listen to the sounds of someone die.
And this is the way to come back, to a sheet, a face, a slowing beat.

One day I walked the long way home.

In the chill of October, all alone.
Tears had cooled, wind had blown.

Still, she knew something was wrong.
She asked, I answered. My hurt was known.

I saw his mugshot today, his soul was gone.

I look at my photos,
sometimes I see his face.

I close my eyes in fear,
Hoping to go to safer place.

There's no escaping those devilish eyes.
I've inherited this monster; soul ties.

Dear Dad,
I did not forget Father's Day, or forget you
I miss you and the things you would do such as telling us your children
to stack up all the chairs and that you would take off your shoes and jump over them, we quickly stacked up the chairs expectantly waiting for you to jump over the chairs but much to our surprise you took off your shoes and jumped over them
I miss how you would tell people that you did not know, when they asked that how many children you had, you would say 3 and a Half Dozen and when their jaw would drop in surprise , you would explain
3 and a Half Dozen, 3 girls and a half dozen boys
I still don't know how you did it Dad caring for so many kids and so much noise from all the girls and boys and running a farm too
I don't think I ever thanked you enough
Dear Dad, life has been so rough without you, soon before you passed away and you were on your death bed, my sister, said that you were hanging on needing to know that I would be Ok, Dad, I tried to be strong when I told you I would be Ok.
I felt like I lied, and I can not even count the amount of times I've cried
since you have died, I feel like a piece of my heart did depart with you!
I still try to be strong and hold onto cherished memory's like how you would look at my little girl, with a proud look in your eye's and there was no hiding the grin on your face.
Dad no one could ever take your  place
I miss you and my little girl, now a teen, she still remembers and misses you too. You would be so proud  of her, I know I am.
Dad, I Love You!
PS.I hope this letter reaches you via: special delivery, maybe an Angel will hand it to you.

"Daddy" the little girl yells
As her father comes home from work and scoops her into a bear hug.
"Daddy" the teenager says as she's asking her father to loan her some money.
"Daddy" the girl screams as her father throws her to the floor and begins to beat her once more.