I do not know what I am feeling,
I do not know what I am feeling,
but I feel like an abandoned
collector's case left in a corner
to rot or do as I please without
so much but the guidance of the wind.

But the wind is not stable
and therefore neither am I,
I cannot tell whether I'm
imagining this all or
seeing it with my very eyes.
Reality and fantasy have
merged into one and
I can no longer tell the difference
between a dream or everyone's nightmare;
I die in both.

I do not know what I am feeling,
I do not know what I am feeling,
but if my soul's exterior had any texture,
right now it'd be peeling;
no it is not beautiful and it
cannot make fake roses
like an orange peel might.
There are no flowers here,
only a garden of late nights and tears.

Outside, spring is evolving
Inside, my lungs are decomposing.
I do not know what I am feeling,
I do not know what I am feeling,
but I feel like an abandoned collector's
case left in a corner;
I am a case long closed ,
given up on and
I am collecting dust.

Hiding in my spot
Where no one can find me
Glazing over
To stare into dead space
Emptying the trash living in my head
Sitting here
In a ball
Holding my knees
Hoping...
Just maybe
I can cradle my own heart
A place reserved for me
Without thought
Appearing like a robot
Getting lost in my shut down
Exploring oblivion in my insanity
Amnesia is a better alternate reality
While I reboot in my corner

(C) Jl 2016

There are few rosy corners,
In that darkened hall.
Where things we want hidden,
Stay and have a ball.
Fear is the stopper that keeps those things there,
When nothing is done.
After awhile you don't care,
So how long will you hide from the sun?
Or from your fears burning inside out?
One day there will be nothing more to see,
For the fears you have you'll wear on your sleeve.

Constantly trying to think in a corner
So I don't have to hear the misery of reality

They told me to open up,

So I ripped my heart out

and sewed it to my sleeve
,
Only to be told that

it was ugly.

I rearranged the valves and the arteries;

Changed its beat,

Until someone told me it was beautiful 
and stole it from me.

I searched for years at every street corner,

In every alley way and 
‘I love you,’

But I couldn’t recognize it. 

I met a man

Prepared to exchange my heart for his,
 but I had none to give.

I stumbled across it one day,
 alone and sitting in a gutter.

It was bare, cheated, broken—

It felt right at home.

She is the girl
Sitting in the corner
Alone, afraid
Observing the happy people.
She is the girl
Buried nose deep in the book
With a ****** name
And a tragic backstory.
She is the girl
That goes home every day
And cries in her bedroom
And cries in the shower
And cries at supper
And smiles to her mother
And smiles to her father
And smiles to her friends
And wears mismatched clothes
Because she likes to express her emotions
Without pulling up her long sleeves.
She is the girl
That nobody noticed.
She is the girl
That noticed everybody.

Hold on! Let me try to explain...these feelings, the mash of feelings brewing and disturbing my soul...
I can see it in my mind, as if I have been backed into a corner with no escape. No escape makes me feel panicked; claustrophobic. When you feel trapped with no way out, you start to fight. So now I am saying whatever it is I think I need to say to talk myself out of this corner. Begging, lying, and then fighting words. I will bring you down so that I may jump over your back and run, run so far. Instincts are beginning to overrun my mind, like a lack of oxygen causes difficulty to think, I'm nearly 100% fight or flight, with one option removed. I don't want to run from you, from us...I don't want to fight, either, but I fear that should I try to remain visually indifferent, that will result and far more chaos then I will cause when I stop biting my tongue from within my corner.

I tell you I need space. It fell from my mouth without me having thought it. That lack of oxygen as a fresh panic attack rolls in stops me from keeping calm and collected. Now voices are raised and arms are flailing in an attempt to visually explain how distressed we each are, we look like crazy italians. The battle is short before you decide to let me have my space, if that is so what I wish. And so you are gone. However, my feelings remain the exact same. There is no calm, no peace, or anything short of a need to run, or fight. I still feel backed into a corner.

I sat for quite some time reflecting on that, only to realize that I myself have backed me into a corner and made myself feel all these things, and tried to blame the one person who could save me from myself.

I am the one who held your hand,
As trumpets in our heart play like a band,
I sit in the corner, awaiting to be noticed again.
I offered the heart, soul, and dreams as a man.
I watch you pay it back to others whom is not me,
I set alone wondering all I know is nothing to be,
I cry thinking of you and scared of your safety,
as you run with your loves, not me, being hasty,
I wonder if my worth is more than one to be attacked,
as I had enemies to make sure our trust has be hacked,
I loved , missed, cherished, adored, and respected you always,
I am pushed away, ignored, not thought of, a moment in those days,
Only I know my heart, and what I want in the future of us,
I am just game, a color, someone not taken seriously thus,
Close your eyes and remember me , true me, who held you,
As I have fallen with broken pieces in my mind and heart in mt view.
Love me, Honor me, as I awaited for so long with my extended trust
When I know you are somebody that i used lust,
but in reality we seen more than just words and empty promises,
I promised and upheld my bargain to be your best friend,
as I wait for us to mend.
I sit here , waiting to see if I don't lose you everyday, in the corner.