I had a bad week
So at the end, I let out a ****** shriek
And drank all the feelings away
I had a bad week and at the end, all I could help but think
Was the all stupid ways we cope with life’s never ever creek

my body

heartbeats like footsteps pounding up the stairwell
desperate, as though frantically and passionately running towards a lover, this body

my body

wound so tightly, heart on the edge of a cliff ready to jump
the only thing reminding me I am alive as it pumps blood through this body

my body

snaps, reacts like a whip cracking through the crisp air intending to enslave us: mind, soul and this body

my body

wired, as though plugged directly into an unstable outlet charging electricity throughout this body

my body

curves, no, mountains, creating a flesh terrain cultivating life carefully crafted by some heavenly being, this body

my body

miracle of childbirth, life emerged from love and two bonded souls leaving valleys and canyons of stretch marks on this body

my body

a temple to be cherished, yet it is degraded every day as pain is numbed and the soul is muffled inside this body

my body

picked over by perverted people, imprisoned; locked in an all out civil war against itself just to survive in this body

my body

strength and resilience as the brain mends itself, it has never been weak; only made to believe that it is nothing more than this body

MY body

They can separate themselves from their demons
I can’t
The demons I carry around have been my best friends for so long,
I can’t tell the difference from them,
And me
They know when a thought is being placed there from something non-human
I don’t
They talk so much it pours out my mouth
The demons say they love me,
So Me, being desperate for love
Accept them
Then I follow their rules
- eat little- sleep none- cry always- tears never
And so many more
I’m no longer self-regulated because I'm no longer myself
They swallowed me
Since I can’t tell the difference between us, I willingly gave myself up
Traded myself
For a monster
That only brings others down, or drags me down, to lift others higher
They have become me
They are me
There Isn't a distinction anymore
There isn’t a red font to tell me what ideas to avoid
Because I don’t avoid any ideas at all
Nothing is off-limits, they tell me if I see a thought,
Take it
No matter who it hurts, especially if it hurts me, if you think it, you can do it!
They tell me
You only live once
So they make it hell, but only to prepare me for what’s to come,
They’ve convinced me they only have my best interest in mind, I let them make walls
To protect me

There is comedy in the tragic.
There is dignity in human shame.
There is irony in mundane normality.
We just have to find it.
That's how we'll make it through

I want to drink
Because life hurts
Because all I feel is pain or numb
Because happiness escapes me
Because every smile is skin deep
Because my veins burn to be opened
Because I can’t laugh without feeling empty
Because maybe enough toxins in my blood
Can make me feel okay
Just for a little while...

Sometimes I am sad,
like, really sad
And I don’t know
how else to describe it

Like, everything could be fine,
great even, and then
All of a sudden
I’m not feeling fine anymore

And then my mind goes off
to all the things I should do
But I know
I really shouldn’t

For example,
I was sitting here,
doing homework,
and it hit me all of a sudden

The thought that
I should go up to the bathroom
and purge, again,
Even though I haven’t eaten

And then I thought
That maybe I should
Go up and take my pills
Like more than the lethal dose

But then I thought
Who does that help?
Because then I’m not here
for my sisters

So then I turned
To thoughts of
blades or flames
And where I could hurt that you wouldn’t see

But then I thought of her
and how that’s not fair of me
How my mental illness impacts
everyone else around me

So instead of turning
to all of those dark things
That I use to comfort me
I decided to write poetry