I rehearse conversations
that I will never have
and yet
find myself
perpetually
unable to say
what I had truly meant.

I long for love.
Don't we all?
But this is different, I don't want to be loved.
I want to love.
Isn't that the same thing?
No.
To be loved is to perceived,
to be known,
to be seen,
to be held.
I don't want any of those things,
I'm terrified of that.
To love is to perceive,
to know,
to see,
to hold.
I want all of those things,
I ache for that.
But to have one, you need the other.
Then,
I'd rather have none.

It's been a long, long time
I'm not sure if you remember me!
However, the signs your eyes telling you do! .. but don't dare to stare!

Yet, I see anxiety as it may seem, more worse the last time! Surprised you didn't get any better!
We've talked about it all!
What's left to talk about!
I tried to help over and over but you don't listen don't you
We've talked about it all!
What's left to talk about

You have it all in your hands
Instead! You stood helpless and watched your end and still..

Once again you are holding the same thing over and over again. The same thing that kept you up until the dawn each night and left you sleepless. Shame! Looks heavy on you. You didn't get any better!

I cannot believe you are not trying!
Instead you're making it feel more worse up to now! Your fears! Each time, you cannot step any further believing your past will reappear. You let those dark energies dig into your soul's doors and chains you with its powers.

You are trapped by the monster you made.
The monster thay kept winning!

Her: Hey how are you
Me: I am still a fool
Her: Why
Me: Because I am still willing to fall for you
Her: I just called to check up on you
Her: Heard you been facing a tough time
Me: Yes I have been facing a tough time
Me: I have been feeling empty inside
Me: I been feeling like a hole has been ripped in my heart
Me: Even though my heart beats,
Me: It still beats to the soundtrack of your voice
Her: I am confused
Her: I gave you my heart and you decided to break it
Her: Now you crying and facing regret
Her: I gave you my all, and you gave me just enough of you
Her: Enough to keep me interested
Her: While loving me from a distance
Her: As you fought the resistance, you never gave us a chance
Her: You ignored love when it came knocking
Me: I know, I was wrong for thinking you would stay forever
Me: I took you for granted, I took what we had and destroyed it
Me: You calling me shows me that we still stand a chance
Her: Some chapters are better left closed
Her: I am just keeping my promise
Her: I told you I would be there for you
Her: Even if it meant loving you from a distance
Her: I see the good in you
Her: But I can't be with you if you don't see it too
Me: I see what you mean, I still have a lot to learn
Me: I tried to find you in the last person who claimed to love me
Me: But failed to realize that a love that you gave could never be duplicated, a love full of compassion, desire, a love so deep the soul can feel it. Now I get it, I was numb at the moment because I was afraid to feel loved, afraid to lose myself in you, afraid to face my darkest fears
Me: I was afraid to let you hold my insecurities, thinking it would destroy me.  So I never gave you all of me. Because I thought it was impossible to love me
Her: Impossible is a word cowards use to ignore life's greatest opportunities. I believed in you and saw all that you could be
Her: I saw past your insecurities, I just hoped you saw me for me and stopped running away from me
Her: Your fear introduced countless hours of tears to me
Her: You left me outside your heart as I knocked for you to let me in
Her: Now that I healed from the pain and hurt you caused me, you want me to open up those old scars, those old memories
Me: I am sorry, that I hurt you so badly. I hurt myself too along the way for being ignorant of your love
Me: Your words were the closure I was looking for
Me: The piece to my peace I was missing
Me: I now undersatnd what it means to have had and lost
Her: I am sorry too... I wish you luck as you search for the real you
Her: When you find him please tell him next time to love instead of run, tell him its ok to feel too. Tell him true love comes to those who seek it with all of their heart and soul. Tell him its ok to fall
Me: Thank you for everything
Me: I now understand
Her: You are welcome, I will be here until the end

we can talk about beauty if you want
we can talk about the beauty that's constantly enforced
we can talk about fashion magazines
fake eyelashes
gucci sunglasses
tiaras
sashes
homecoming queens

we can talk about beauty if you want
we can talk about the beauty that is slowly dying out
my beauty is a little bit different
it is not found in measurements
my beauty is the sunset over the coast line
the crinkles on her mouth formed by a natural smile
my beauty is a man who doesn't ask for *** but holds my hand
accepting me for who i am

we can talk about beauty if you want
it just depends what beauty you are thinking of
we can talk about beauty for sure
but are we talking about my beauty or yours?