I have bared my soul,
Spoke my truth,
To all who would listen.

I walked through the flames,
Wondering if I would be burned,
Or scarred on the other side.

I wore it like a badge of honour,
Spoke through tears in my eyes,
And a lump in my throat.

And they did not stop me,
I stopped, I breathed, I spoke,
Composed my truth through broken sobs.

I felt the fear course through my heart,
Saw my pulse beat under my t shirt,
And proceeded to show them my hurt.

I expected rejection, repulsion at my weakness,
But I was revered and my bravery applauded,
Reborn through their kindness and acceptance.

Baptised through the fire of my own heavy truth,
The reward a sea of calm waves and white clouds and endless space,
And a lightness I have not companioned in some time.

Basement:
Temples riddled sick, the world seems small
In this room
Air thick and mischievous
Walls slick, closing in

A closet light in the dark
You take me in your arms and
We practice stable breath
Your chest a flower bed of roses

This was love--

Beach:
I slide down and down
Lapping waves envelope lungs
Gasping salty, green

Steady as you root into soil
Stronghold hands on my waist
Lifting me from oblivion, meanwhile
I latch on as vine and watch the world spin

You’ve saved me again--

Summer:
Love pads on
Easy as rain on a metal roof and
I am glossy-eyed, laying in your bed of roses
In a stuffy room in New York

The lights have gone out
Wind rushing overhead
The bustle weaves by outside yet
Time is still here

I am home--

--
c

My life lacks without a purpose divine
and I try not to settle
but can't find time to try

I'm clueless to the canvas
I only know the corner
that I've already covered

I was hidden in decisions
but now I need directions, so
which way are we going?

I said I'd never find you.
I said I was adrift in the nonsense of raw bedlam,
that the needles embedded in my skin
weren't stitching me together,
they were tearing me apart,
I said I was forlorn,
I said my heart was barren
I said my soul was sold,
I said many things,
but my excuses are old.

Trapped under a rock-slide,
and every rock an old lover,
bad romances to smother
face down in the gutter,
in which my tears are the water
that gushes in high tide,
trickles in low.

I scoured the world of love
by being restless
by being unrelenting
ashen and devoid of substance
the world spun like a top ready to stop
and all who were left were ****
feeding upon my misery with contempt.

It's true, all my fitful lusting,
all my callow obsessions,
all my inebriated braying,
cleared the world of reason
and made it easier for me to spot you.

You glistened in the gloom,
silken gown smearing the dust but
leaving flora in your wake.
In the same way, you enrich me.
My barren heart tilled and teeming with
pastures green, meadows whispering.

I hold you, heart to my heart, my darling,
as you embrace my soul to your soul.
Apart from you, the world is harming,
but with you, I am whole.

Do you know what we men love, ladies?

We love the raisins in our apple pie
when we just want apple pie
We love the broccoli in every dish
how you beg 'just give it a try!'

We love the fortune in toiletries
so there's no room for our combs
perfumes, shampoos and body creams
blow dryers, curlers and foams

We love how you sneak to the bathroom
just prior to us awaking
we plea for you to hurry
as our bladders are sorely aching

We love to join you shopping
and discuss the cashier's hair
and if we happen to like it
do we tell you...do we dare?

but most of all we love you
for the biggest, most valuable perk
is the motivation you provide
to get our ***** off to work!

The water strains through your hair,
Little droplets flung into the air as you turn.
Your smile at me,
The slight exasperation from your lips.
“Do I have to?” You ask.
“Of course,” I clap.
The brush hits your hair,
A knot makes you grimace.
Your hair slowly puffs,
You finish and present.
“Like an angel made for me.”
You huff your irritation,
Your head a puffy fluff of hair.
Yet,
One look at my simple smile,
And you plan to say yes if I ask again.

I live in a world of storm grey clouds.
We are harsh and mean, we laugh cruelly.
I like this. I am well-suited to this.
But you are an epic splash of sun. You shine through the clouds.
Your heat and sheer warmth brings me joy.
For in this land of endless grey, you are the warmth I crave.
I don’t care for endless sun.
I prefer the harsh grey, I feed off it.
Yet I can’t help but be mesmerized by the shaft of golden light.
I enjoy the cold grey.
I enjoy the shining beam.
I love having a single, brilliant, spot of light shining through the dark

I

I taste it daily.
The salt of consequence on the side of my tongue,
Burning my mouth.
Punishing me.

Love is lost.
Shallow and low,
Like a pool of water
Two feet deep,
Predictable and **** flavored.

I taste every answer before it’s heard.
But I deny it just the same.

I dig for the unpredictable.
Muddying my hands in search of
A new flavor.
Drunk as I am at 4 in the morning,
I ask for an answer that I’ve already tasted,
Hoping to be surprised.

I’m not.
I’m given an answer that I already know.
But I pursue it just the same.
I send poems to lost loves,
Knowing they won’t answer,
But I do it just the same.

I find myself alone.
I’ve accepted it.
But I crave companionship,
Just the same.

Like the grass in my pipe.
I crave it.
Love it.
But it kills me.


II

Don’t make it awkward.
Don’t say it.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
Don’t say it.
Don’t make it awkward.

You already know,
I say.

No I don’t,
She says.

She’s lying
I know it.
I taste it.

She lives in bliss.
I live in fire.

Don’t say it.
Don’t make it awkward.
I don’t know.

She says this to dampen a blow
That I won’t feel.
I’ve felt it too many times.

Maybe she didn’t know.

III

I’ve lost the sense of caring,
I say it just to say it.
Knowing the answer.
Just to see what happens.

And again I’m forced to move on.
To know that it’s unreciprocated
As it so often seems to be.


Insufferably predictable.
Six months I knew,
Yet I hoped to be surprised.

IV

Somehow,
Confidence remains,
Or perhaps it was born.
Resilient as the day it fell out of the womb.
Unphased by negative response,
Simply frustrated,
Urged to move forward and brush off the needles
Poking at its chest and temples and tongue.
How can a heart die if it has already been pierced?

V

I’ll keep digging,
Searching for a new flavor
Until something sweet sticks.
Until some light shines through the cracks.

I’ll make it awkward.
I’ll make it weird.
I’ve been pierced enough.
I’ve been numbed long enough.

Stab me again.
Try it.
Pick a vein.
Try it.
I hope to feel it.
I want to feel it.

VI

True sadness
Is something that can’t be described.
For some,
Fresh and temporary.
Others,
Old and rooted.
Experienced in different ways
Left to ferment
Through a curious cathartic flavor of isolation.

I’ve fallen into that deep void
before.
Seeking companionship where there is none.
Only to be stabbed in a living heart,
countless times
Until it finally stopped beating.