I have succumb
To this scent
The scent of a heart
A heart that has
Accepted me
It is addicting
As it is dangerous
I will commit to try
And keeping this scent
To be a part of me

Commitment issues
This again?
Yes but this time these are my words
Not the labels thrown at me by exes
Like arrows attempting to pierce me into place
I thought it was meant to trap me
But I think they just wanted me to stop
To think
To really evaluate myself
To see the truth
Im afraid of commitment.

When I've been told this in the past
I read it with the understanding that
Commitment issues meant I
Just couldn't have or didn't want a relationship
And that just couldn't be true
I mean just check my track record

No, see
My having commitment issues
Is rooted deeply within my past
These problems originate in an exciting mix of
Trust issues
Abandonment issues
And a variety of other traumas

I am not afraid to enter relationships
And I do not avoid love
Actually, I am obsessed with finding love
With being loved
All the while trying to love another
Thinking I'm succeeding
While subtly sabotaging myself in the process

When I was small
I did not receive the respect and care
Needed to show I was loved
Though my parent said they cared
They didn't protect me the way they should have
I had to take care of myself
Look out for myself
Because I was the only one I could trust

Anytime I got close to someone
They'd either decide to leave
Or get ripped away by outside forces
I was alone a lot
And not great at making friends
With the abuse happening at one house
And some solace found at the other
I was constantly fluctuating between
Hellhole and liberation
All while trying to have a childhood
And survive adolescence

So when they say I have commitment issues
They're probably right
But not for the reasons they think
Not because I'm polyamorous
Not because I don't want to commit
Not because I don't love and
Not because of who I am as a person
My issues come from a long line of
Different abuses by people who
Were supposed to protect me
But didn't

So if you think to judge me
For the trouble I have with trusting you
And trusting you won't hurt me
Or decide to leave when I'm "too much"
Understand that I did not choose to be like this
I didn't choose the pain that led me to love
In such a haphazard way

But I am choosing to do something about it

and it feels like commitment.
and that begins a tug-of-war
inside me.
i want to give her to give me all of her.
but that means returning
the priceless gift.
i want to open myself, let her inside.
but how do i give what has
always been taken?
i want to know what it means to be in love.
but in my dictionary, “in love”
is undefinable.

Our children may chase butterflies.
but me?
I’ll stay by your side.

teens may break with the tide
and run off alone with butterflies.
But Not me my dear, I’m by your side.

Other men chose butterflies
and then go off with small goodbyes.
But not you my dear, your by my side.

You are the only one who has ever seen me naked

Being naked in this sense is less of a physical state than it is an emotional one
Seeing me naked is seeing me as I am

Raw raging firey desires,
Illustrious passions,
My wildest, deepest dreams

True ****** requires showing you the insignificant sprouts of cruelty and knee buckling pearls of weakness that live in my heart

I chose to tell only you

What breaks my heart?
What do I see when I look in your eyes?
What mundane things do you do that I can't stop daydreaming about all day?

Things absolutely anyone else but you could not know

So I can't promise that nobody will ever see me with my clothes off
But I can promise that you will be the only one to ever see me for me

Completely naked

k.g.

I wish I didn’t
Have to wonder about your
Commitment to me.