I look upon the remnants of possible lovers and romantic interests like an architect looks upon blueprints. The ones that got away, the rejected and ignored, the ones I was too distant to carry on. Like all things we long for the unseen, the unfinished grasps us like hot wax and sticks to the skin. I find my desperate mind digging through old facebook messages like a survivor returning to the rubble. Why do I flee to dead cities? Return to a room without a roof when a downpour abates me. Like all things in life I find myself stuck on the incomplete, unable to focus on my work, finish my art or grow beyond the child I seem desperate to hold onto. My failed loves are another marionette without an arm, another unfinished chapter I can write and rewrite the end to without setting down. I look upon a stage of light hearted chemistry, a back and forth laid bare in texts, like the out of date actor who’s part was replaced I’ll rewatch it unable to change.

Open space is fearful, the blank page leaves me shaken, an empty canvas is a sight I cannot bare. Like open waters I fear I’ll drown before I make it to dry land, so afraid of swimming I will burrow my feet into well trodden sand and shelter under trees long since dead. I will wither away on my island of bones, looking through half finished love affairs and messages that have lost all meaning. If I can just tread my feet in the waters below I can finally set this island ablaze. Burn away the rotten skin that ails me so and watch the credits role on my final goodbye. But the water thickens like concrete ahead and the waves form a wall in my wake. I’m not ready to take the step, to let unfinished words be nothing more. When I’m finally ready to bury the page, I will wade through the waters to shore.

Today started the same way
Get up
Pretend I'm okay
Dress up
Look happy
Happy
So happy
I can't stop smiling
It hurts
It hurts to smile
It hurts to laugh
It hurts to pretend I don't feel
No one understands how I feel
You
make me feel
All that I try to block
I could talk for hours
To you
And never end the discussion
About Kipling or Plath
And the clowns that troll our city in the late night
Politics and the Alt-right
The naysayers and degenerates
How we really feel
All that we hide
In our day to day
All that we are in every way
Embrace it all
Swallow it all
Pretend it doesn't exist
As we watch the other fall
It's our fault
Really
We should have known
But how could we ignore
When it felt like home
Our bodies lying intertwined, as if meant to connect like the missing piece to a puzzle
My head on your chest, listening to every heartbeat
Feeling as if that's exactly where I'm meant to be in that very place and time
Your hands interlocked in my tiny hands as you laugh and tell me it's ok
They're cute
Our legs tied together like twine
As our lips press up against one another's
With every kiss, you inhale more of me
Until I cannot breathe
I'm gasping for air, yet I want more and more of you
Your big strong hands grazing over my body, groping my *******, grabbing my face, ******* in my lips
Intoxicating me
God I ******* want you so bad
Everything about you makes me want you
You make me wet with your words
You touch me and drive me crazy
Your tongue sets me on fire
And every time I fall for you a little more
Even though my head may say no, my heart wouldn't listen
And my heart's a ******* *****

You by whose sweet nature does rule this text,
As surely as I spell your name, your thoughts it reflects.
My longings my darling are nothing less than your desires,
Our combined cloudy pillar floating on high by our inner fires.
My second dream is but a forethought of your mind’s first wand
Parting my words and showing me your promised hand.
Who’s to say, in some very far off distant age,
They will say that I have exercised some sacred prophet's rage?
An unpeopling prayer within our combined diviner's themes,
Like we were young filled with vision and the old people's dreams!
To thee, my Love’s Savior, to thee my vows’ confess,
I am never satisfied with the time the world gives us in bliss.
Swift do those times pass, bespoken each timely romp, thy hips do proclaim,
These words, a stammering thought teaching me how to whisper thy name.

Until the end


I’ll be with you until the end;
I’ll be here with you, my friend.
Until the end,
The very end;
I’ll be with you until the end.


(C)2016 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.