Awash with ***** I peed all over me
shoes
Well Storm me if I ain't a bad sea
Captain
I'd had a ton of *** and a whole
barrel of porter
Now the landlord he's shouting "Last
Orders"
So where's me Crew, me Swabs, me
Hearties ?
Yea! where's me Aces and me Deucies
.......Nowhere to be seen, not a one,
Just a pack of feckin' Jokers,
Find me the Fox and show me the
Shirkers!!!
I'd drunk too much that's what I'd
done
Well tie me to the mast and chastise
me severely for such unseemly
behaviour
All I wanted, just some fair company, to be lavished by a couple of lovelies
But No! they wouldn't have it,
wouldn't entertain me
Snobs! Stuck up cows!! *******!!!
We nearly had a Barney
I'd rather wet me ***** in a Jar of
cold Jellies.
Standing there outside in the cold
night air
Trying to get me bearings, yea! trying
to take a reading
Me Northern Star, he must have
fecked off to the Northern Bar
And my compass, he's whirling
around like a Dervish,
Well ***** me sausage in a jar of
malt vinegar
We're sailing blind tonight me boys
Keep a sharp lookout atop of the
Crow's Nest won't ya!
And so, we ventured out, a brave man
With ***** as big as the bold Hercules
himself
A wee bit tentative at first I'd concede
Lurching about from side to side, all
over the place
But not to worry, with me there at the
helm, both hands on the wheel
Solid and salty as any old sea dog
Singing away to meself a wee shanty
" I'm no landlubber me!
Just give me the dark and the rolling
sea"
Steady as she goes me Hearties!
I thought we was doin' alright till one
of my feet
It trod in a space with nothing there
in it
And my Ship it goes tumbling
sideways over
Hell's britches!!! I'd trod in a pothole
the size of a manhole
"Man the lifeboats Lads, we're going
over" I cried.
Next thing I know I'm lying on my
back
And the Moon she's blowin' me kisses
And at the end of the Bar, there! me
Northern Star
And Him smokin' a cigar and sippin'
Brandy with some *******
Looking like a Dandy at Christmas
"Hey Judas!" I shouts over, "where's
me monkey?"
And then suddenly, this woman, this
woman out of nowhere
Out of the darkness, this Spectre
An old Sea Witch for sure, by thunder
She starts bawling laughing at me and
pointing her crooked finger,
Well dent me dagger on a cold
woman's heart
If she doesn't cut the legs right out
from under me
Every time she opens her big Gob, the
squeals of her
Makes me feel two feet tall she does
with her cruel laughin' & sneery
banter
And her drawin' a big crowd around
her
(And me! a Giant!!.... a feckin' Whale, a
Walrus!!).
Well lash me Luger and wake me up
with a poker
I wasn't wobbling, that was just me
swagger,
And I ain't lying down here no longer
either
Heave ** the ropes me lads and haul
me up me Hearties
Till I stand once more at a proper
angle,
Yea! Hoist me up like a mast and watch me sails billow again in the
breeze
Watch me belly bulge out and me eyes
roll around in me head
Now we're back afloat, buckle up me
sword on me belt
And roll out me cannons
For the name of this ship, if it isn't the
Great, the "Great Defiant ",
By the two Horns on Hell's Gate
What am I doing here at all in this
place, with ye folk
I'll wave me ***** at this world, yea! I'll dangle me dibbler
Did ye not hear, did no one tell ye
I'm off yea! I'm off to Australia.
II
For Sweet Destiny, she visited me this
night, she kissed me
She came like a gypsy when I was a bit
tipsy
So exotic with all her bangles and
beads and her charms
And dresses all the colours of the
rainbow
With her big crystal ball eyes of grey
Like the Moon she mesmerized me
completely
And then she kissed me with lips
sweet as whiskey
And she whispered in my ear a magic
word. " Australia ".
You see this was how it was
I read it some place,seen it somewhere
A sweet wee lass, a fellow girl poet
from Australia
She said, she lamented " Poetry, it isn't
very big over here
The people their not inclined, their not
of that mind"
Said I aghast, I'll change their hearts
Their hardheaded folk, those folk
down there
It must be the snakes and the spiders
down the toilet
So hoist me up onto me pulpit
Them heathen folk they need
convertin' badly.
O! Give me a Ship, give me a Galley
And like Columbus I'll start a big
rumpus
We'll sail off over the horizon, and
keep turning on the globe
Till we sight the shores of that Sweet
Island
And that lovely Queen of the South
reclining
Beautiful and wonderful Australia!!!
There's gold in their hearts even
though they may not know it
And jewels in their eyes big as
diamonds
Treasures by the thousand
So hoist up me trousers boys,
Me! I'm off to Sligo
Wait a minute, No! No I'm not,
I'm off.... off to Australia.
So gimme a wooden leg and hoist me
parrot up onto me shoulder
Arrrr! Jim lad.....now where's me
soldiers
Are ye with me lads
We'll plow through the sharky seas
Then I'll plant me flag on their
beaches
And claim this Land for Posey.... yea!
for Poetry,
And if they don't like it
If they string me up by the ***** and
spit on me
Sure I'll just smile back at them and
tell them
"I'm just..... I'm just Jim Dandy".
III
Alas! It wasn't to be, next morning
they found me
Upended in someone's garden
The Sergeant he shook me, " What are
you doing down there? " he said,
"Ahoy there shipmate Sir" says I, like a
true shipwrecked sailor,
"I had me a dream last night,
I dreamt...I dreamt I were bound,
bound for Australia.
A bit of fun for Halloween. Always been an ambition of mine to do a wild rip roaring Pirate poem. They have such wonderful free spirited colourful language and you can make up great sayings with great sounds. I think I read on the site here, an Australian writer actually said poetry wasn't all that big in Australia, so that gave me a story to hang this drunken pirate night on. By the way I don't drink like this, not anymore LoL, and I wouldn't advise anyone else to, it belongs to a bygone era now. Hope you enjoy and Have a Happy and safe Halloween! Me Hearties!
