I'm aware.
Just sitting here.
Aware of the sounds of the sweet music, like a nectar in my ear, awakening every cell in my brain.
I'm aware of the soft blanket touching my bed.

Oh how long have I been asleep for, before awakening into this life.
For I have been lost for so long.
It's been a dream state. I've been a dream state for so long. But I don't want to anymore.

I want to awaken and smell the flowers. To feel the gentle touch of this life. Of the reality that I am born into to understand the depth of the life I have been so gracefully granted. To hear the children laugh and to see the kittens play.

For I have been in such a long slumber,  the time before I did not understand, I did not see, just floating in a dreamworld so preoccupied and unaware.

But now... Now I am aware, Now I am alive more so than I was before. I live and breathe with ever ounce of my being. No more doubt no more resistance or hesitance, no, now I breathe. I breathe the air that I have been given. I breathe.

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


I didn't really mean to...
But all of a sudden...
I was opening the third drawer...
My hand pulled it out...
Uncapped the blade...

Then I caressed it
Ran my fingers around the tip
Tested it on my ankle
But no... that's not what I really wanted
I know better
I know what I've been craving

So then it was there
In my hand on my wrist
And it slashed three times
Stopping only when blood began to flow
And it did flow.... and flow...
I just wanted to watch it...
As serenity washed over my body

Finally

For once

I'm calm

At peace

Night arrives, darkness unfurls its old comforting splendor
Silently I surrender my sense of one to depth of non existent light
Slowly, gently accepting its embrace, its caress so soft and tender
My sensations swirling, falling, and abandon my sense of sight
Warming, comforting, alone and gently turning my face away from reality
Day has been long, burning, scorching, destroying my sense of hope
But in the cool, loving night I find the worlds hidden duality
When I find my body broken, my life breaking the spirit of my soul
Swiftly, gently, my heart opens to the chords and tunes I cannot find
Roaring deafly, soaring underground, logic left behind
Thoughts alone and thoughts they remain
For I have entered a world where darkness is domaine
Not sadness nor worry or anxiety to burden my heart
Slipping, tipping off the edge of duality of this imagined reality
Clinging, crying, begging for a reality where this duality
May yet spread its wings and feel the wind as it soars
Letting go of all the love and hate from before
Breaking, cracking, my very soul a knife into my own heart
I am flawed, a monster of my creation I know
When did it begin? When did this path a young boy start?
Where did I lose the innocence I might have once known
Finding comfort only in the solitude of my mind
That same mind is slipping out of reality
Where is it? That sense of self I may find?
Have I ever owned a true sense of identity
Powers of love lost in the pain and cruelty
My own words are daggers
And abandon their own master
Wounded and bleeding
Gasping, breathing, clinging to ideas of salvation
Hope is fading, light is falling beyond the hills
And at the end of it all only do I find revelations
That I have grasped and sensed I have had my fill
Night time, darkness, cool winds on burns
Softness, tenderness, caressing each in turn
Stillness, hushness, softly dying breaths and whimpers
Sweet promise of dreams of love and joy in slumber
Darker thoughts and ambitions forgotten long ago
And though my thoughts and soul give ‘way
To the darker side of Day
I find comfort of the stillness without fight
The stillness and the comfort of the night
Old friends, new ones, all encompassed in the slumber
Fantasies abound, darkness all around, coolness yet so tender
Dreams and fantasies of a life I may have known
Circling each before my eyes
Beauty incarnate of my own mind, my fantasies unwind
Embracing the tenderness of the night

Sometimes you have to pause
stand still in the every day
no matter how long it's been
and breath life deeply again
sight it out and observe
look at all that is wonderful
take a glance at the little things

I've plenty of time

for Qigong, you are away:


I wait not-waiting.

I am not controlling
My life,
Nor the world,
Nor the words and actions
Of all these people around me.
Still I am in control.
Still every word makes sense,
Just as it always had.
Still their actions are clear,
Plain and intellegible to me.
I have an identity, somewhere.
But I don't bother to find it.
Everything just fits.
And I am not really supposed
To explain why.
Maybe this vertigo
Is the last sigh
Of my controlling self,
Slowly fading
In this new found peace.
Maybe it is the beginning
Of an emancipated self,
Free and calm.
Maybe this vertigo
Is another name for freedom.
We can call it
Freedom, or Liberty or Self-determination.
Maybe the cultured man
Will think of Euthymia,
Or some other label
Of Stoic wisdom.
Be like that.
Maybe it's an ending.
Maybe a beginning.
Probably, both.
Maybe it's just beautiful.

his touch
is the only thing
ever known
to be able to
calm this storm
buried deep
inside me

It was as if only yesterday...

The endless sounds of rippling water passing me by.

Birds whistling a soothing song that all is well.

A gentle breeze rustling the leaves above and the grasses below.

The smell of earth, air and water filling my lungs.

Exhaling my troubles onto the gentle river and watching them float away.

I miss yesterday...

©️

I cast a wish into  the world,
A message from a good old girl,
As  I wish for good intentions,
From a pacifist, I mention,
Make the best of every situation,
Step back from their manipulation,
Nasty makes negativity,
Let's hear it for positivity,
I am okay here today,
Are you okay this way?
Yes, we're both good as gold,
It's a ****** to be growing old,
So let's pray for tranquil ways,
Peace means calm, hooray!