I often say that you can never truly know who a person is, no matter how long you know them.

The people we are, or who we were,
Are not the same as the people we become.

I have known my best friend for 13 years, and she is a constant in my life. This woman I know.

I know how kind she can be, or when things bother her- even if she hasn't said it aloud.

I know how we laugh together, at stupid things, and stupid people.

I know she loves me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This other woman, the one I loved however...

After three years,
YOU are finally showing your true colours.

I do not know you, but did not claim to know you ever.

You told me who you were,
And who you wanted to become.

I loved you for all of you. The person you were, the person you are and the person you could be.

Even though, I did not fully know you.

I supported you when you had no one, I inspired you when you felt hopeless.

I helped you to see the light, when I suffered in the dark.

I gave to you, before I gave to myself, always.

They say love is blind, it is true; I loved you.

But to YOU,
I was only an infatuation, that suited you well at the time.

You took and took, and would tell me daily how it was not enough.

You dwelled on negativity and losses, never making it easy to see the light when I needed it.

You leaned on me and shed your worries, as I gained more, helpless.

You relied on me to solve everything, like a child looks to their mother.

You wanted and wanted, so I gave and gave. You took and thought nothing of it.

It was never enough.

I began to see your ways, and still I could not refuse you.

I hoped you were becoming the person you said you wanted to become.

I hoped I was making a positive difference in your life.

I was wrong; I enabled you.

I let you take advantage of me, until I had nothing to give to myself.

That has ended. With that end, came so many more.

You are not my lover, nor ever will be again. You are not my solitude, you were only confinement.

You are not the one who brings me joy, only aggravation.

You are not my friend, and you never were.

You are the woman who has two faces.

One face is shown when a person is of use to you. The other face is shown when they're no longer useful.

YOU will never know true happiness, only the facade you create.

You may have caused me pain, but you have taught me.

I may have fallen, but now I rise.

When you are a child all of life is discovery...
-and everyone you meet is a friend.

I want to be with someone new.
Someone who understands and appreciates all I do.
Reciprocates the love I’m willing to give
And won’t leave me feeling so blue.

Dear self,

Be brave enough to break your own heart.

You spent thirty minutes talking to your mother last night. She wasn't great to you growing up, and I know that. I think back about how she teased you for wearing long sleeve shirts over summer when you cut yourself. I think about the time she told you to **** yourself. I think about how she tried to cut out people from your life and still, to this day, doesn't know about some of your closest friends because you needed to protect them from her.

Do you realize how loud your unhappiness needs to scream for her to hear it? This may be the first time, in thirty years, that she listened to it. She took it seriously. She told you to go. That it would be okay. And she validated the thing you have known in the pit of your stomach and the bottom of your heart for years.

Go.

You aren't a bad person for leaving a situation that doesn't work for you. Leaving someone you love doesn't mean you never deserve love again. You aren't disgusting. You aren't a monster. You aren't being stupid. You aren't making a mistake. You have always told others that they don't need a reason to leave. You have always shown everyone else a kindness you could never show yourself.

Leave.

Just because you have everything others want doesn't mean it's what you want, or what you need. Right now, at this moment, this isn't good for you, and that's okay. You love him. He loves you. It was beautiful, and it was good. And ending this will destroy both of you in ways you won't even imagine right now. And no one will fix these holes inside of you. It takes courage to realize you need to rebuild yourself. It takes courage to become.

It takes courage to break your own heart. But just like the physical scars you've given yourself, the emotional ones will heal, too. And you will be okay. This is your permission to do what is right for you.

Love,

Yourself

Helpless I was not
Never shall I make the mistake
Of leaning on a shoulder
To keep me sane

When I met you
There was no definitive sign
No gut feeling
Whispering “Him... him!”

It was just you and I
A couple of strangers standing
Exchanging names and numbers
A simple coffee run

I know it’s the way it should be
There doesn’t always have to be
A fairytale signal
A wordless “fate” whistled by wind

Things for us
Are calm and wonderful
Just two souls making the best
Of time so cherished
/Simplicity!/

Ive loved u since the sky fell down
And songs repeat how i feel
Cuz even if ur not around
The feeling will last till im numb
I am reforming
Quakes in my heart lead my transformation
I am going to be
A new me
And u will be the velvet floors and cusion walls
That fill the inside
The chair the ceilings
The beams and doors
Youll be my window
My garden
My furnace burning warmth
To this newly renovated structure
That ive become
Alone
My own home

and so a new chapter begins.
the protagonist will face many challenges
new characters will be introduced
challenges will reveal themselves
but the most exciting thing
is that there is still so much book left to read.

i'm so excited to begin.