I'm warm and flustered...

I set my alarm to 6:23
I like awkward numbers
something about how the last digit sticks out to the rest
making it less than whole
yet still enough
appeals to me
comforts me
so imperfect that it feels more perfect than perfect numbers

I remember it so well,
We were talking about spirit animals.
I was expecting you to scoff, because most boys do.
But you didn't.
In fact, you loved it.

You told me all about your friends,
All obsessed with spirit animals.
I asked you what you thought yours was
And you looked me straight in the eye
And said 'A deer.'

A deer? A deer!
Oh, I can't explain how much the thought of you
Having a deer as your own spirit animal
Made my own heart soar.
I never knew how much I loved deer as a species
Until that day.

Thinking back on it, of course it's a deer.
You have such a majesty and grace about you
But such an awkward, all over the place side as well.
You move with caution, eyes unsure of what's to come
But also move so freely in your natural habitat.
Just as long as you're not caught in the headlights.

Ever since you said 'deer' to me,
My heart just soars at the thought of it.
How can a person be their spirit animal?
**And I have loved deer ever since.

I'm sitting here eating peanut butter straight out of the jar

Thinking about how we talked the other night

How I couldn't stop laughing and how you teased me for being short

How I got offended and called you a giraffe hybrid but couldn't stop laughing

How you said I sounded like a 9 year old and I couldn't even pretend to be angry

How I thought the fact that you wrote about vultures was hilarious and how we both stayed up talking far longer than we were planning to

How when I insisted I wasn't interested for 2 hours, you insisted back for that long

How I fell asleep smiling and thinking that maybe my life was getting better after all

How I was embarrassed the next morning and pretended like it had just been a crazy shared dream, like the kind in Inception

And how you told me it was only going awkward if I let it be so

Please poet don't you mind me,
if I always say the wrong thing,
it seems I've no control,
don't need for you to remind me
of the song that I must sing,
my heart has one desire,
in joyness that it will bring,
bring it... to you,

I have no real intentions,
but I got lotsa lotsa apprehensions,
no good ones and no, no, no bad,
ones...
when I do it  hey say they all "wrong",
well it makes me feel soooo so so so,
sad,
on a primrose path as I go on along
I wish we all
could just feel...
g L a D,
an sing the same same song,

Hey an I look very normal,
whatever that means - they say,
replaying my life,
into painful new scenes each an every,
day,

I might wear a bright side smile,
& seem just so happy to you,
I guess I look very young,
"they" say & hey maybe that is true,
so... WhAt???

It's not that hey I'm stupid,
cuz my IQ is pretty high,
an I ain't in love with cupid,
but it maybe part the realist reason,
in my question of how & why,
I hold out my waiting hands,
an lay my head down to cry,
an...
CRy,...
an cRy,
just...
I..,

Hey helpless is how I,
feel,
please forgive me,
please cuz I,
I feel like this is real,
it takes me away,
my mind there to steal,
I'm trying to pull away,
in the layers that I peel,

I always, I have wondered,
why I didn't quite fit in,
I felt that it a curse,
by some nasty hateful jinn,
it feels just like a top,
caught up endless in a spin,
but at least now hey I know,
it's not I'm  living here in sin,
seems I'm in this  battle,
with the odds that I won't win,
please I don't mean to beg,
but please won't you be a,
friend?
Can I,
yeah me?
Begin ..
Again?

I wonder yeah I wonder if I ever find my way,
home,
or if I'm cursed to walk on,
to walk on,
walk on here all alone,
no matter where I go,
no matter where I ever,
roam ..

.....it haunts me....
      it haunts me.....
It taunts me ....
this thing,

An whatever the case may be,
be it fate or maybe even that ol' desTiNy,
understanding my pain
will help me to be free, as they say,
please..just open your eyes,
please can't you just see?

Hey hey... an hey hey,
hey hey,
hey,
hey there,
any way,
which way?

I,
I try and I try,
I wish you,
to just help me...
to... understand,
but somehow soooo elusive,
it just s l i pppp ssss...right..
through... my ..empty....waiting ....
.....hand.

Cherie Nolan © 2016

Playgrounds became lifestyles when I was with her
Outgrown boots shod, dainty feet sat down together
Sat down for a kiss, I didn't think could be sincere,

Because I have problems,
I have woes the epics tell
But she told me different stories, different
Beliefs in me, hopes for my sunlight
Times spent rushing to find a place to smokey intermingle
To gasp each other's air.

I tried to find her as circumstance ripped her away,
But I'm forgetting her as I write this
Unceremoniously awkward, I hate that word, but that was how we left it.
Was it real? Who knows?
My eyes don't like to invent.
When I let the hoods slide over them,
Down, dark, a shelter from the mist
I see a sunny vale again
Where she might be waiting.

i'm tripping over shoelaces
and falling over beating hearts
while you are watching
with amused, worried eyes.
my fingers turn to ice
and i manage to mumble
"i like your hair" before
the world ends and
my shoelaces are strangling me.

I have little burns on my body,
like from a cigarette,
but they hurt much more,
although they haven't bled.

But those little burns, really,
aren't from a cigarette,
they are from people's looks,
looks so firm that they make me sweat.

Those looks tend to differ, though,
some feel like a cigarette,
and some feel like bullets,
that might even shoot me dead.

I'm sorry to mumble
But no one seems to care
I am sorry to ramble
But usually no one's there

I hope you don't misunderstand
I'm usually all alone
So I don't know how to talk
When others are home

I know I talk fast
But there's so much to say
A lifetime has passed
And the end's on it's way

So let me get in the last word
God know's it's also the first
A lifetime of silence
And now I'm in a hearse