I don’t know what you are,
where you’re from,
but I know what you want.
You want to rip my chest
from the inside out,
you want to force
my limbs asleep,
a tingling
that hurts every move.
You get off
when I sweat through my sweater,
my heart pounding in my chest.
You love to see me
start to shake and cry.
You never call me before you come.
You always show up unexpected,
at night, when I’m alone,
or when I’m in public,
just merely trying to get by.
You love starting a fire in my chest
that is so hard to put out.
You love making me feel like
I should be scared every minute.
But one day, I won’t let you
start that **** fire anymore.

It hits like a bullet.
Caught off guard,
Triggered by the circumstance,
Fuelled with the negative thought,
Your mind starts to race and all sense is blur.

It hits like a tsunami.
One second you could breathe,
The next your nostrils and mouth is forced shut,
Your insides are burning,
You’re crashing against sorrows
And there’s oh so much desperation
For the need to simply
Breathe.

When the feeling is this intense
You won’t know what hit you.

Grace under pressure

She is pyrotechnics, feux d'artifice

Her northern light due south
Where the wind dies

There's trouble then

She swings in
Emotive orbit

Her hang time sabotaged
By lack of resistance

She is free-fall

Every last documented entry
Every bit of her composition
--The fabric of her

They fall from Grace
And onto the floor of new imaginings

What used to fit
Neatly into a box
Is presently a bitter pill to swallow

Down the hyperventilation
Shaft she goes

Where she lands nobody knows

I'm sweating and shaking
I don't know why,
my mind is quaking,
I'm too scared to try

My chest feels tight,
my legs are weak,
Too lost to fight,
too frightened to speak.

The noise, it drowns
the voices that are near
My head, it pounds
there's a ringing in my ear

The moment passes,
when I see my friend,
"We love you,"
"You don't need to pretend"

its happening

my lungs are constricting

breathing is stuttering

hands are shaking

i thought i was better

its been so long

my head pounds

i just want to go home
to sleep
to be alone

i could fake sick

but i wont

Distractions
Cleaning
Planning
Working
Writing
Editing
Dancing
La­ughing
Going
Keep going
Don't think
Keep moving
Don't stop
Keep busy
Don't pause
Don't breathe
Hold your breath
Don't think

You life is in order
Organized
Full
To its potential
You're being efficient
Getting things done
Even things that don't need to be
You've replaced the meaning of sleep
With the bitter taste of coffee
Replaced the simple task of meals
With the sweat of exercise
Replaced the tears down your cheeks
With the absence of thoughts

You've moved on
You're moving on
No time to look back
No time for emotions

Until that one thing
It's little
But it's not what you planned
Just one thing
You could get over it
And move on
But you can't
It's still there
Won't leave
Looming in your mind
Getting louder and louder
Galloping across your eardrums
Ramming into your forehead
Until it breaks through
You hear it screaming in your memory
Rattling your skull
And finally
You take your first breath in days
And another
And another
Much too quickly now
Your chest grows and shrinks with each exhale
Tears streaming down your face
You want to stop
And move on
Like you used to
But you can't
Tears blinding your vision
Your head feels weightless
Your fingers tingle
Your lips are numb
Your heart can't be controlled
You feel dizzy
You close your eyes for just a second
And the dam splits
Everything that has ever affected you comes flooding in like a tsunami
Taking over your brain
Drowning your emotions
Controlling your movements
And you just sit there
In your parked car
Black streaks down your cheeks
Feeling useless
There's nothing you can do
Your head bowed
Your eyes rested gently on your bent knees
Hoping no one sees you
Knowing that it will leave a
Spotted wet stain behind
in your light wash jeans

It is then you realize
that there are some things
That can't be changed
No matter how much you try
To be an adult
You're still a kid
No matter how much you do
To distract yourself
The past will stay
No matter how much you plan
Things out
You can't control it all

Life will be unexpected
Isn't always easy
Isn't always fair
Isn't always what you expect it to be
But it's going to do what it wants
And you get to choose how to react to it

So take a deep breath
Think for a few seconds
And move on

beware atomic attack!
1950s civil defense
duck and cover drills
Bert the turtle
showed us the way

flash of light - duck and cover!

the surprise attack
is always a great play
feigning love interest
like the pitbull never wags it's tail
all the time waiting for a fight
for no other reason
than to let it all go

breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
rising heartbeat, panting breath
the ***** echoing off the walls
building in volume,
block by block
note by note
the weighted hands with heavy fingers
slamming the keys in discordant rhythm,
hitting just the wrong keys at the right time
making me wince.

Pressure building buildingbuilding
breatheinbreathout
breatheinbreathout
Is what I tell myself,
In gasping breaths
While gripping grasping my chest
filled with lungs that can’t fill,
In a mind that cannot think.

The conductor looses control of the orchestra,
The instruments screech horribly
As he waves his arms vainly,
Jumping and begging for a stop,
louder and louder the instruments soar.

Breathe in, breathe out
My head falls into my hands
Breathe in breathe out
when will this ever end?