I am having my very first heartbreak

Not the one gifted by my highschool sweetheart

Or crushes kissing someone else's,

Not to this extent they made me ache

faking my senses

To the point where I believe my existence is a mistake.


Who am i?


The person who i had to be to become more lovable,

More palatable

Their emotional punching bond,

mental spitting pond


Where am i?


within the vacuum of nothingness, bye,

I am swirling into the great rock bottom beyond,

Where my failures are calling me down to die,

But, Giving up my life to appease the devil can...not.


I am having my very first heartbreak

My parents don’t love me for who i really am

But for who they prefer me to wake

To the expense of my authentic self so i self harm

With an emotional and mental intake,

That keeps my realness locked up, so i  forsake

Because how can I enter this world without them behind my back?


Born to be ashamed, i am

Guilty of inadequacies so they request i parent them

Neglected, i abandon my inner child now orphaned

No place within to call home

Everywhere in my heart its cold, not warm

I crave this loss of love, I am ******!

So i lose my dignity to get as little love i can get, slam

i am having my first heartbreak

Because i am lame

poor little bunny boy
locked inside your cage
didnt you hear
theres nothing to fear
your death will be staged
this sticky gross flesh will stay on your bones
nobody to love you
your ears trapped in cones
sweet little bunny boy
all alone in this cruel world
everyone is leaving
you have no time for grieving
your soft hair turning frizzy and curled.
dumb little bunny boy
you thought they would stay?
we did too
they all lied to you
youre still the one to pay.
my little bunny boy
stuck in your skin
your small broken voice
lost in the din
my baby bunny boy
everyone is gone
all alone
you stay at home
no one notices youve left
maybe
its
b
e
t
t
e
r
this way.

I thought, I would try to give a bit of explanation
as to my considerable situation
I'm a man, broken, shamed, filled with blame
Can't claim I'm anything proclaimed to become

I feel so weak, so bleak, a fragile brittle antique
Full of regrets, always upset, things I wish to forget
Can't believe, I'm 45, still alive, how did I survive?
Drowning, in alcohol, baring this agonized tormented soul
What I would do, to start again, but nothing I can really do.
I want to survive, but child in me died, long time now realized.....

Every-time now I see my baby portrait
I see reflections of me now so haunted.
Once so beautiful, now so scarred
A demon now, sends his only regards.

I don't want to be this damaged broken butterfly.
And I refuse to be victimized again, die and cry....

I'm so drunk right now, but the truth comes out,
For years, I hid darkest memories behind a brick wall,
Had to walk about, pretending I was tall.
Best parts of me fading, but no longer small.
Not  tall, not small, just know how smash a wall!

I'm no longer the victim!
Won't emphasise with your expectations
I heal myself of the symptoms
Of those with lust and temptations.......

I'm not that broken child, anymore!!

the sun is as hot as spaghetti
steaming with a sauce
served with a side of sizzling hot cherries.

my tie is so tight I cough in silent h's
and I'm sweating
my pores shooting out like a fountain
and my face, like an umbrella in the rain.

no time to think
no time to reason
"Ding, Ding DIING!"
I jump like I was slapped on the cheek
my beard itches, my right eye twitches
"What the F* is this?"
I write out the first words that come to me
"Ding, Ding, DIING!"
but I'm not done writing
I look at the bell,  "you f*king ****"
and I jump again, like there was a puddle before me
my head is as hot as popcorn
no, even hotter
and you can hear it pop
from the front and from the back
"Ding, Ding, DIING!"
i jump again
it's me vs. a bell.

Do I suffer?
Everything I do, I do wrong.
I can’t even get help.
I want to manifest my pain—
to bleed into your vision,
to force you to see me.

I hate that I’m an inconvenience.
I hate that I could be a problem.
I hate that I cause offense.
But please, please see me.

I need to be loud.
I need to be heard.
I need to be seen.
Please—
just see me.

I’m sorry to ruin your day.
I’m hurting too.
****.
I hate myself.
I might do it.
I might finally show you.

My last laugh:
the silence shatters.
I will finally be remembered.
You can’t ignore this.

Like how you run your fingers through my hair and stare at me with that smile of yours
when you think I’m not looking,
like how you light up whenever you see me
and you always rush to try to find me
and get up in my space?
Like how you spend time with me,
how you stay over at my house and I stay at yours?
Like how you get worked up over video games, and how sometimes
I can’t tell if you have a crush on me or are just an a##hole.
Now I know,
you’re just
an
a##hole.

He who writes angry,
Will write nothing of value at all.

He who write in emotion,
Shall write the epidemy of it all.

You took my light away

And let me stumble in the darkness

Why do you do this to me

I asked you to stop

But you dragged me back

Kicking and screaming all the while

I’m drowning in the flood

That you created

Said something dense
Breathe in, breathe out
Face crossroads with thoughts

But eyes don't lie

Frown like a fiery pulse
Cold turns hot

Eyes don't blink
Through winds
A straight gaze
Not obstructed

In rain
Still unbreakable
Five minutes of fierceness

Till exit
Deadly thoughts calm down
Glare to glow
Stiff lessens

Else around
On best behavior

When you ask what just happened
Don't know the answer