Almost.

The word alone has its own impact, already a thought-consuming word. It reminds me of things I was on the brink of doing, on the edge of making, and on the verge of having, but never did.

Unti unti kahit pinilit
Puso Kong dito na lang ba sasabit
Eto ka nakangiti at masaya
Pero ako sobrang pigil na
Hawak ko Rosas para saiyo
Inipon ko Simula agosto
Mahirap lang kasi ako
At gusto ko masabi na tong nararamdaman ko
Isa,dalawa,tatlo,
Tumingin ka sakin mula paa hanggang ulo
Nanginginig nanaman ako
Pilit kong inabot Rosas na hawak ko
Habang nakayuko ang ulo
"Para San to?" Tanong mo
"Mahal Kita" sa wakas naamin ko
Tatlong hakbang palayo
"May boyfriend na ko"
4 na salitang nagpaguho sa mundo
Nabitawan ang rosas na hawak ko
At unti unting tumulo luhang pinigilan ko

Once I Write ‘Em

Once I write ‘em,
I don’t read ‘em.
If you’ve had a feast,
You don’t go back to feast again -
At least not feast selfsame.
Eaten’s eaten,
Drunk is drunk.
The yester- feast a kind of bunk
When looked at and reflected.
Looked at un-corrected.

Nothing’s wrong
With bettering that song,
Polishing and honing,
Yes, fine-tuning.

Last night’s feast had too much salt.
You won’t do that again,
Fix the fault
But write some more.
More’s the door
To consummation.
Less salt to improved digestion.

Break the silence, the taboos.
Make the ‘boo boos’.
Keep on going
In the imperceptibility of growing.
Cook the feast.
Release the moment’s best
And once you write ‘em,
Leave ‘em.

Once I Write ‘Em 9.13.2017
A Sense Of The Ridiculous; Vaguely About Music II; The Processes: Creative, Thinking Meditative II;
Arlene Corwin

Almost
Definition: not quite, very nearly
I could fill an eternity with almosts
You remind me of someone I knew
I think it’s in the smile
A warm familiarity of what almost was
I wonder why it is frowned upon to stare at people
Because I want to study every detail of your face
Knowing every freckle
Mapping out how the corners of your mouth turn up when you smile
Wondering how a single being could posses so much beauty
You feel like summer
I can hear the birds
I close my eyes and imagine your hands on me like sunshine from my window
Your voice is like acoustic music
The first words that caught my attention
You said you were full of coffee and worms
Forgive me if I find it difficult to speak around you
Im just afraid of almost
Maybe one day you’ll tell me you could fill oceans with what you felt for me
And I’ll say I could fill galaxies
When writers fall in love it could either be beautiful
An eternity of together through flowing words and stanzas
Or too poetic
Where nothing just “is” anymore
Something always has to be something
But as for me. I hope it’s beautiful
Almost
Definition: not quite, very nearly, not enough time
You remind me of someone I knew
And the last thing I want is for you to become another almost

This is a letter to the person who made me believe that he loved me.

Yes, you. That's you.


I still remember when we weren't even that close to being friends. You and I, we were both trying to come up to each other but there was always something pulling us back from doing it.

Maybe God was trying to make a way from getting us too close from each other- maybe he knew what was coming. Maybe he already knew that there was a storm coming before it could even hit us.

Let's go back to the days when we started sharing the same space. There was never an assurance of anything we said or what we did. Those "I miss you already", "You're so cute"; to the stares, and the songs we sang together, the quirky smiles and eventually, I find myself holding your hand too, then it went down to hugging you from behind and you don't seem to mind.

I would talk to my friends about you a lot. It would start from the days when i said, "I'm so happy" and escalated to constant phrases of "I'm so tired" and "I can't do this anymore"- and all the sad songs started to make sense.

Believe me when I say you made me happy. You were a much bigger part of my whole, but also broke me at the same time.

Even though you weren't trying to make me happy, yours was effortless, I still felt happy.
Even though I know in yourself tried to love me, and made me believe that you do, I know from the back of your head and the bottom of your heart; I know you're sorry.

I know you're sorry. It's not your fault. Maybe I came off too strong, and I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I loved you.

I know you're sorry for being a little early and a little too late.
I know you're sorry when you can’t be the one to sweep off my feet.

But I guess I'm the one who should be sorry.
I'm sorry for getting tired playing your silly game and for thinking that I ever had a chance on breaking through your walls, when you, yourself, won’t even let anyone in.
I'm sorry for pulling too many false alarms. And because of you, I never thought that loving and hurting could possibly strike at the same time.

I'm so tired of trying, TRYING to understand you but you just won't let me. You won't let me in.
I just want you to feel how worthy you are- that you deserve to be loved and I want you to feel that with me. But you won't let me.
I know you're scared, because I am too.

Are you scared because you're happy?

I know you're scared to love, but you didn't have to make me feel like you do.


But I get it; Maybe you were scared of what could the outcome be.
Maybe you're scared because you didn't want to end up like your parents or you're scared to feel anything deeper than anything deeper than deep.
Maybe you're scared because you didn’t know how to handle problems, fights or anything that relates to feeling something.
Or maybe, just maybe, you're scared because you don’t know how to make a person stay.


So today, we have to start letting go of each other because we're still there. You're still in that phase and I'm still in that place. I'm still that friend, I'm still that "friend" who holds your hand whenever nobody is looking.


It’s so hard for me to actually explain how i truly feel about you when we can't even have a continuous conversation in a normal day. I don't know how you do it but how can you stay friends with someone you like and hold their hand, and act like there's nothing going on between the both of you, but deep inside you know there really is- and the hardest part is you have to pretend it doesn’t mean anything?


But I took that risk. I took every risk just to be the girl you wanted me to be.
But you lost it.
You lost that girl, because you forgot her.
You forgot how she looked like and how she speaks.
You forgot how she looked like in a happy bright Monday when you're all alone and upset, and she's there to lighten you up but you closed the light.
You forgot how she painted your skies blue and made your sun yellow.


You forgot that she notices you even when she's mad and hurting because of you.
You forgot that nobody looked at you like the way she did-
She's all about you; and nobody will ever love you like I do.
But you lost it.

And I want you to know that no matter how much you have hurt me, I will always be here for you and I will keep waiting. I know it wasn't any of your intentions to hurt me like that, but I made you make me feel like I was special when you really didn't want to.


I know a part of you loved me. I felt it - and i know you did too. I just wonder what went wrong. I even question myself what I did wrong, if it has something to do with the way I dress, or with the way I speak, or with the way I let my guard down easily.


But despite everything, thank you. Thank you for showing me a piece of your world, and handing me a piece of your heart;


We, will keep waiting.

I can feel your heart beat in that one
moment we're together
And you're looking at the stars
as they sparkle like your eyes
each with a flicker of hope
a flicker of hope that you might really care
But I'm looking at you
and you can't seem to notice
But hearts beat as one
And our minds think together
And in that moment I think I'm in
love
But I'm not in love with you
I'm in love With the thought of you
The thought of being with you
It makes every part of me ache
But I stop caring
Because I can l only feel one thing
Love
Until you look at me
And the beat of my heart changes
It races
But you don't see me
Like I see you
I see perfection
And you see a game
Something to play with until I it
breaks
Like everything else
You play me
And my heart stops
It beats slowly
As if it is trying to tell me something
with each beat
But I ignore every message
And I look at you
And for a second
the universe is drawing us together
For a second every thing is blurry
But you're the only thing in focus
And it feels like more than a second
I want it to last forever
And you move closer to me
And I move closer to you
And our faces get closer and closer
Until the gap has disappeared
And I'm looking into the stars in your eyes
Everything is perfect
Nothing can change this one moment
Even the stars look at us in awe
Because it's perfect
Then suddenly my second is up
Everything stops
And our lips don't touch
And you leave me with the same emptiness I started with
The same feeling of loneliness
and everything is the same
and you're looking at the stars
and I'm looking at you
and I'll only ever be looking at you