Night after night
I stare blankly at the screen
Night after night
Maybe it's all just a dream?
Night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Night after night
Don't know what to believe
Night after night
I've been hunting down dreams
Night after night
I've been thinking of things
Night after night
I still cannot sleep.

Pay no attention to that circle.
We're here now:
the real me,
& always you;
just us two.

I

After the fall, I would never feel the same.

Nothing comes easy anymore,
Like the fall closed every open door,
Like the fall had so much left in store,
Like the fall became me.
Like the fall consumed all that I knew.
Like the fall walked around in my shoes,
Sang my tunes,
Learned my lessons, wrote my notes, wore my glasses,
Like the fall attended all of my classes.
It used up all of my bathroom passes
To sit in the stalls and mourn.
Nothing comes easy anymore,
Like the fall clothed me,
Like the fall closed me.
I don't live here anymore,
Nobody's home.

I never knew I would never be the same,
Same veins, same body, same brain,
But heart would never be the same.
Nothing would ever feel the same.
I never knew I could be evicted from myself,
Could be placed on a shelf
In a bedroom I have never been in,
Told to live in,
To fall in.

I never knew I could change so drastically,
But welcome to reality.

II

I never knew I could fall in love.
I am the fall and not enough,
People are the mourning dove -
They fly above my reach,
Above a surface I cannot breach -
And someday I hope they will teach me
How to fly with grace, but none look down.

Of course none look down.
That's how you fall when you're flying,
That's how you become the fall
While trying to be the fly.
That's how you become me.

Their feathers are never feathers in reality,
They have this kind of duality,
They are feathers and they are blades of grass.
They are steel and twine, but alas,
Strong as a bull, but shatter like glass.

III

A while ago, I wanted to know how to draw,
So I figured it out.
Now I want to know how to thaw
My heart out of its icy case,
Let it shine through the skin on my face,
And maybe feeling things
Won't be such a game of chase.

Learning to draw took a few years,
Learning to thaw may take a few tears,
And I doubt I will ever thaw at all.
That is a part of being the fall -
The thaw is so far off.

I wish the ice were as thin as people tell me.
No matter how much I skate,
There is never a crack to see.
I suppose that's the fare they charge to skate,
The height of the fee.
It never breaks, never melts,
Not that I can tell.

All this after the fall,
And the fall was only part the first.

In apple growing-warmth,
I found oceans between eyelashes and Pacific air.

Ligamented with smoke, skeleton hands crafted cigarettes of honey and curling floral sweetness.

For soft-haired royalty, I bowed my heart and washed my skin in space and rainy wishes.

I drowned myself in polish remover, to show the stripped beauty of love and life
to a sun who lives off alcohol and notions of wouldn't it be nice?

But I, the noiseless patient spider,
who has flung gossamer after thread,
am reaching for nothing but an earth flower,
One who I thought loved me,
or at least that’s what she said.
((one who sees through rose-pink eyeglasses,
and speaks in feathered song.))

Still, I sleep well under starless skies,
where urban northern lights burn the dark,
charred there by city windows and boundless passing cars.

Here, I wrap myself in a cloth galaxy,
and I paint the sun with blackberry juice,
trading gold and diamonds for the simple hope
that someone might live up to you.

It's my last hope.
The sun in its afternoon swirl. It's up there. Far,
                 far and I still feel that
There's always hope.
It's fresh fruit meeting the tongue. It's playing
                 King of the Mountain.
It's the budding smell of spring flora.
It grows on trees.*
                 We pluck it, make it purchasable.

There are nights of neon,
where the pavement cries,
the windows cast shadows,
the city runs purposeless.

These nights, I am in space,

and midair on the moon, I stare back
into this glowing orb of blue and green.
Amidst endless black, I imagine it burning,
the most bizarre thing I have ever seen,
and I ask, for what? Like they say of life,

all a striving after the wind.

I was a cocky ******* until I met you, now I'm just a soft little **** boy who doesn't know what I want anymore.