I'm so scared.
Such unbearable fear.
All the feelings that I've buried in myself so as not to draw more grief into my life.
These feelings are taking my breath away.
I'm so tired.

I would like to entrust myself to someone who does not condemn me, because it is easier for him than understanding.

I stand before a gorge of emotions - for this world too much to endure.
Perfect love .... do you feel the same way?
I am afraid of the truth.

When I close my eyes, I see the flame blazing. What power it unfolds when I allow all love. What love can I unite in me. Pure uninhibited love.

Love that is given to me.
Love that was withheld from me.
Love that I refuse to myself.

I would like to close my eyes and surrender to this love, burn up in it to rise again like a phoenix from the
ashes.

I'm less afraid to die than to live.

2017

✫  ·    + . ✵
   .
·    .•°•Trepidation•°•.
.  　　　 ˚  * 　　 　
　　　　 . 　. ⋆ *   ˚
    .  ⊹

Bunga-bunga menjauh dari jalanku
Membiarkanku seakan kehilangan ragaku
Duri menghiasi setiap jalan
Sinar matahari memudar di sela-sela dedaunan
Burung-burung merintih dalam pedih

Biarlah ketakutan mengambil kesempatanku
Kesempatan untuk kembali ke jalanku
Jalan yang tak mungkin kutemui lagi
Di kegelapan aku mencoba menyisir cahaya
Menyisir cahaya dan kudapati rontokan bintang

Aku takut..
Aku takut pada malam
Malam yang semakin pekat
Kemana aku akan berlari?
Lututku berdarah menapaki jalan tanpa arah

Semua ini tampak seperti ilusi bagiku
Menemukan jalan yang benar adalah delusi
Tak ada rasa sakit, tak ada kesenangan
Namun kesenangan itu hanyalah angan-angan

Aku tak ingin menyerah
Walau kurasa hatiku berdarah
Bila dunia ini berhenti
Siapapun takkan bisa mengunciku lagi

Selamatkan aku...
Keluarkan aku dari sini
Seperti apa akhir dari jalan ini?
Aku takut...

Keluarkan aku dari sini
Ku mohon peganglah tanganku
Di dalam hatimu, di dalam mimpimu
Bangunkanlah kembali bintang-bintang

-Kediri, 17 Maret 2018

when did I stop being afraid of the dark?
was it when I got older
and grew out of the childish fears
of horrible beasts and unseen ghosts?
was it when I decided that
I could take on the zombies and witches by myself?
or was it when I realized
that the only monsters
in this world
look and sound
like me?

I'm Afraid of mirrors
Not because of the creepiness of them
Not because it shows my reflection

I'm Scared of mirrors because I see the scars
They are not visible to the eye
They are mental scares

I'm afraid of mirrors
They are scars only I can see
When I look in the mirror
I see the time I almost ended it
I see the black eye my abusive brother had gave me
I see the thousands of times I've cried
wanting the end the pain

I'm afraid of mirrors

My hands are shaking
Tears run down my cheeks
How my body is aching
Feeling so defeat

Hold me closer to you
I can feel your heartbeat
If only you knew
How this feeling could be so sweet

Be with me now
It's me who should be afraid
I'm sorry for being so loud
I never meant to push you away

Too anxious to tell you
what's going on
I can tell though
this is what you want

I'm not running away
forgive me now
I'm begging you to stay
The words just won't come out

Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.

Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.

Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.

Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.

Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.
By: Unknown writer

You broke and dismembered me,
But of course I’ll never let you see.
     Disregard that fake smile, I’ve been practicing it for quite a while.
It falters behind my closed doors,
For there is where I fight my wars.
   I hate being in here anymore,
I hate everything I used to adore.
All the things I found comfort in, Now wrap me in an abundance of sin.
My morning and late afternoon coffee, it now makes my eyes glossy.
My warm blankets and soft bed,
  I’m too afraid to rest my head.
   You’ve taken every safe place,     because now they all remind me of your face.