I woke up this morning
That's a success.
I went to the closet
And found stuff to dress
And cover myself well
Against the elements.
I didn't get trampled
By buffalo or elephants.

I ate well and got ready
For whatever comes today.
Whether it be some work
Or some healthy play.
I made the bed and then
Showered myself clean.
I had some great coffee
While I read a new magazine.

I got into my car, which runs
And enjoyed the scenery.
I didn't sleep under a bridge
Or beg food at a beanery.
I went to work and had some
Fulfilling job satisfaction.
And as I went about my day
Guilty of no criminal action.

I was helpful to all, and I
Was detrimental to nobody.
I did the best at my job
And my work was not shoddy.
I sought support whenever
I knew it was badly needed
And smiled as the problems
Mostly quickly receded.

I have given up whining
And envy of my peers.
I no longer allow jealousy
To linger in my ears.
I am a lucky person today
And grateful to say it.
There is no other way
To properly portray it.

You dissolute deputation
Of disparate dipsomaniacs
Disparately determined
To drive me, distance me
Definitely, diametrically
Dizzily daft, daily.
Ditzy, I determined to
Deftly divide them;
I defy them, deny them,
Don't deify them
But deride them
Stand beside them
And guide them
To wander away
Until some other day
Some other fool
Who, as a rule
Digs abuse and misuse.

It's not a truce
But an absolute demand
For their total surrender
So they remember
From December to December
I am not a lifetime member
Of the “Beat Me” club.
Aye, there's the rub
You thought I liked it
So you could spike it
Like a basketball.
But, my soul is not at all
Into anything you could call
Masochism or submission.
So, if your mission is
To collect acolytes and slaves
You'd just better save that
For someone sicker than I
And bid me a fond goodbye.

I have walked all them roads that you told me I shouldn't,
I have felt all them things you said I shouldn't.

I have talked all them things you told me I shouldn't do,
I have felt all them things you told me I shouldn't think.

Now, in these woods.
Where the paths lead me to everywhere.
Astounded and blissful.
I rest to stand, till you join me again, my Love.

And, then,
It happened, the answer.
After such an endless wait.
For hours, days, months and years of being away from you.
Caught each time in the cobwebs of tripping on meeting my Mexican smuggler someday
To confess the strength of my love

But. It happened already.

I saw you.
I touched you.
I drank you.

Nothing has changed.
The peace is safe within your hairy chest.
You could not hold me,
While I wanted to squeeze you.

You meant, not yet.
It took me a while to understand the new you.
The solid you.
The you I lived with for these four years were the burps of my memories of a distant yesterday beside you.
I will let you go in grace.
Because I know nothing can change the peace.
And nothing makes the least difference in that intact a peace.
The world thinks they know you.
The world thinks they know me.
But it is you who know me.
And it is I who know you.
But we will never know that knowing.
Of being the sole knowers of each other.

I run in peace, my love.

Autonomous you don't wanna miss
Synonymous with anonymous
Alcoholics drinking like the glass is bottomless
Lost confidence and gained higher consciousness
Now doing opposite to avoid consequence
Pertinent providence prominence
Profits from the pompousness of old profits of our fifth
They were out prophets then
Now it's promises
Back to provenance of our populous
No predominance
More contentedness with our documents with what's cognizance
And the monument of spiritual opulence
Wheather hypothesis
Or is what it is
To remain in the violence
Or turn optimist
All your perogative
Wish you well
Wish you rocket to the fourth dimension ****
But most of all wish you to close your eyes to hear what it says
Cause that you don't wanna miss
It could be your bliss
Reminisce but remember they're remnants
Fragments
Resentment you keep in your sentence
Is your penance
What you recieve is your resemblance
No regrets for pass but remembrance
Your true presence is endless
Practicing temperance
Life is tremendous

Simple attraction, you make it seem.
What exactly draws you in so deep?
Is it the way their words get lost in your mind?
Is it the way they make you feel alive?
That euphoric, never fading feeling after they depart.

The way every feeling consumes you when they're near.
The way they make your world spin, you can't get enough.
Push through all the odds, just to feel some luck.
You're made to feel dangerous, you love the rush.

Gives chills down your spine,
Cold to the bone,
Heart made of stone,
but this isn't complex you say?

Imagine looking into a mirror,
do you see yourself,
or see them looking back at you,
staring eye-to-eye
tension holds inside you,
concealing your real feelings to feel them over your skin again.

I drink wine before water
It’s better than beer.
Neither are like *****
They’re nowhere near.
Like beer, you can
Drink all of it you please.
It will never knock
Your life to its knees.

What? You say no?
You say they are equal?
This is a bad movie
I don’t want a sequel.
I have lived my whole life
Thinking wine is okay
And not contributing to
Alcoholism in any way.

I thought I could drink it
And party like a king
And the specter of addiction
Didn’t mean a thing.
Yes, I admit I ignored
Those drunks and hangovers
That woke me up feeling
I’d been hit by a Range Rover.

So, okay, maybe it’s real
This threat to sobriety
That is so accepted
And approved by society.
But now I have to find
A new way to celebrate
That won’t ruin my life
At some not too distant date.

I am told to take this one day at a time.

I cannot tell you how many times I have head that saying.

One day at a time,
One day at a time,
One day at a time.

It repeats over and over again in my mind.

One day at a time.
One day at a time

Yet, in my reality, it is
every seven minutes
then every ten minutes.

Every seven minutes, for m, feels like three hours,
during those seven minutes, i crave,
I crave to be drunk
I crave to be so high, I cannot tell left from right
I crave to smile like a child, 
I crave to laugh like there is no tomorrow
I crave to feel confident
I crave to make these shakes disappear for awhile.

Then every ten minute I feel normal.
I don't feel so outlandish for not drinking a beer.
I don't miss the taste of a cigarette,
after swallowing a shot or two.
I don't yearn for a drunken lullaby,
As time passes by.

Every seven then ten minutes
I'm switching opposite sides
Back and forth
inside my deranged mind
handling it the best I can

One day at a time

I need there to be more to me.
Something that I can find in the clubs that have those beautiful galilees dancing into the mornings dew.
Those joints that say 420 isn’t a number but a religion.  (DUDE)
That bottle of jack, which I carry around at party’s that won’t leave me hitting on all of you and busting bridges left and right.
Her big brown eyes interchangeable with bright blue smiles.
Those awkward moments in each shape and form that they take.
Those ideas inside a wrapper that tell me it would feel much better if I break every bit of it.
That epic moment where my toes curl up beside yours after we have spoken our eternal vowels for that chance that even then, we will be together after you take that money off of my dresser drawer.
That I can find that good girl out there to do all those bad things I like.
That dream beyond a dream, that some loving caring, sweet women, who does not remind me of my mother, can make me laugh and wears glasses will let me *** all over them.
That imaginary disposition that tells me yesses really means no.
So I can hate myself every time you want me to be inside of you.
Those hope that my expectations will so far exceed yours.
That the bottle of Xanax’s and no dose won’t run out before the night is done.
And we wake up cold and naked with windows beaming from the flashing occurrence that daylight isn’t our enemy it is our friend.
That my ****** hunger will be enough sometime once I throw those 12 steps into it.
The hope that one-day out there I will be enough not for you but for me.
That I don’t wait for it to be a good day if you text me or not.
That moment that I will be at peace for me, not because of you.
That it doesn’t seem important for me to make you smile, laugh or cringe at my jokes.
But I say them not to be funny or win you over but for me.
And me alone.
I want it to be that day soon but I don’t work for it.
I sit on my computer screen day after day morning from night looking for videos and pictures that remind me of you.
And muddle it down in my little pink notebook with a bland ink pen.
But when I look at you and say I’m enough.
Not you.
That is my dream and will be my awakening.
I hope for that sometimes after the shame and the guilt of each utter more despicable relapse, I replicate just to look into the mirror and say when is enough going to be enough.
When will I find my *** of gold at the end of each rainbow?
I write this not for you but for me so that I can free me and hope that I am less of a painful break up to each and every one of you.
So that I can dream skip, leave and shout.
I want that to be true so bad.
But not enough, to do anything about it.
YET. But soooonnn.

I find myself in AA for the first time, I can't say what exactly gave me the notion to evolve my mindset to walk through these doors without walking right back out within a few hours. I'm sure of a few things though.

His haunted eyes slapped reality back into my life but a higher power of sorts must'v stepped in right afterwards.
Sober or not, i know my mindset wouldn't of naturally chosen to come here of all places.
Yet, here I sit tonight facing headstrong all of the demons I've been busy hiding from by getting drunk, high, constantly moving, and of course blocking them out. I cringe constantly as the flashbacks race through my head.
I have to keep myself active at all times just so I don't flake out of here on my loved ones or better, on myself.
The only things truly keeping me here is my new friends, the loved ones rooting for me on the outside, and shear willpower.

        I feel as though I'm running backwards on a treadmill leading to the hope and happiness so many have found through this program. I can feel the love and understanding as each member speaks or listens. Yet, in my mind I'm being ****** into a portal of hell, thinking there is no end this madness. I can't tell you how many times I have thought about waking out those doors, knowing I shouldn't. Throughout all of this I stand my ground, scared to death if I don't I'll end up downing whiskey til I'm six feet under.

       At the same time I've learned a lot about myself since I've been here. I now know I'm allergic to alcohol the way people are allergic to peanuts. Yet, I am unable to make the proper decision to not indulge in taking a shot or 30 on my own. I did not choose to be born this way, once i start i cannot stop til i pass out somewhere in an unknown place.

        It is crazy to know a bottle of poisonous liquid has so much power over me, even crazier realizing how much control it has taken from me.

        I know of healthier ways to sleep but my brain is contentiously doing everything it can to convince me all i need is alcohol. Someday I won't daydream of drinking ***** as i swallow this water;, waiting on that buzz i know full well isn't going to materialize to make me feel better.

-to be continued