one of my earliest memories
is the day my grandmother
taught me how to float in the pool
it took me a few tries
before she let go of my body
above the water

she let me go
all on my own
without me even realizing

i remember looking over at her
and seeing her
great big smile
she then said to me

my girl
this is a life lesson
never believe that you need
to hold onto someone
to get things done
know that all you have is yourself
and know you are strong enough
to hold yourself up all on your own

the angel on my shoulder
picked up smoking,
the devil on the other
took up yoga—

they don't know
how much they have
in common.

David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson
Watching the bay in surf, sand or sun
Running slo-mo in skimpy suits of crimson
Got their viewers' attention and then some.

By Larry Ladd



Oh, I would have a lot of fun
If I were a number 1.
Still, I eat that second hero.
My profile is a number 0.
I cinch my belt to hide my weight.
I only look like a number 8.
At “Attention!” I straighten my spine.
I only manage a number 9.
They say “At ease.” I’m in a fix.
My **** drops down to a number 6.
Oh, I would have a lot of fun
If I were a number 1.



My ego wants to be a capital I,
But I guess I’m not that sort of guy.
My gut droops over my belt, you see,
So I look more like a capital P.
Say, I would not mind a capital R.
Then I could be an adult film star.
But that’s not likely, what’s to do?
**** I look like a capital Q.
So I’ll stay dressed because I know
I really am a capital O.