It’s ten pm. Night. The fan whirs at full speed.
I’m 17 , going on eighteen
I live in a space. I feel heavy. I hate everything about everything, with passion.
I hate myself. I hate how cruel I can be,
I hate how cruel I have been
Pushing them away was easy. What came after? Eats me like dust. Slowly.
I remember too much. I remember too easily. The pain knocks me out. With a force.
  I do want them back. But I don’t want to hurt them anymore. Or anyone else. They mean so much, it’s too much. I cant, I don’t want to feel this.

Tears riochet. One with soft hands and bad jokes, permanent sardonic grin. Lopsided
She was grace, strength, everything I wasn’t. Her scent evades my senses , a memory away. The other with open heart and honest laughter.
Their toughness, together invincible.





Sincerely, I meant no harm
I did not mean to wreck havoc, I love them, God knows I do— it’s a world of pain and I’m washed ashore when I’d rather happily drown in the waves.

I see the woman in glass with a
***** pink bag and wrinkled
Blouse and she looks up
Through hooded eyes and gives me
A pained smile through bruised lips
And tired eyes and I
Wish to take her away, pull her up from that
Nightmare she walks in
She sinks in its weight
Her cracked make up reeks of it
The hunch of her shoulders,
Eloquent with pain.
The glass cracks a little
And I look away and
I close my eyes
I am she
She is me.

I hear your voice
Breaking with the deep breathes you take,
The ones you claim you don’t
Need.
Then a silence
I thought you were gone
A sob cuts through
Our hearts —
So what if I can’t see you
I can see your tears
Across miles
Leave, I whisper
Silence storms
Leave, I beg.
Her cry infects my bones.
I CAN’T
A scream resounds
And you crumple like paper
Your sorrow, my anger
I see red
Where is that girl
With a laugh like the lights
That brings a songbird alive
Your pain, intangible yet near
It eats you like dust

It's a state I'm sure
Is unattainable
It's just a setting on a dryer afterall.

We are a  circle
With neither a beginning,
Nor an end ;

Just me and You and
All our demons inbetween -

Hellfire may blaze
The meteor falls sidelined -
Uriel may stand poised , and
Deadly pestilences of the biblical kind
Ice and fire may reign
Yet - we will stay trapped
In that constricting ring
We birthed , our sad loyal child -


A circus devoid of comedy
Ladies, gentlemen -
This drama, our tragedy -


See the tiny scars etched hard,
The bruises, the marks,
The papery voices we use
To protest empty words;
Endless chasms borne into
Our chests ; These hearts —
They are empty.
Our arms, comfort seeking ;
The heads, our selves —
Caught in an infinite loop
Pulsing with an  old light
Like the one from a long dead star.

There lies the abandoned park bench
We sat there a year ago

Now stained with infinite dust, rain
Pouring torrents of strange anger and

Pulsing sorrow- a heaving chest
Rising and falling , tide like crest

Certain gravity to the fall, to the fallen
(pun unintended)
Unceasing in releasing;

Dusk, dawn
Fall , rise
Black, white

Just universal polarity like
The one between you and me.

A hand to hold, a smile to crave,
A heart to feel, a love to cherish;

All now lies washed down
Dust in the rain
Solitary drops now remain.

You are but
A phantom,
A ghost,
A faint footprint




Of course-
Been death and dust,
For aeons and ages,
Within vanquished pages,
And crumbling stone
You are all that is left
When my lives adjourn.

She slipped in with
A backstage pass
She was graceful
On my stage
In the end she
Brought the house down
One blue moon
She drew away.

A new high
Only I got no ****
Cos I’m quarantined

Your now
is not your forever
but
forever
is composed of nows;

My release doesn’t lie
In the blood that stains
Your carpet,
Or the tears that soak into
Your pillow,
Or the screams that pierce
The still night calm,
Not even in the **** that
Snakes into my senses,


Wishing to melt into
Whatever I was before
Star light emanating from
Afar;


Old light pulsing from the new skies










(I want to see myself in that light
A time before I gave in to the night)

Happy poetry day.

Move my world
Make me and
Unmake me
Light up the grey of
My long abandoned
Heart


Show me
I’m still
Human
I’m still alive;

These scars don’t make me any
Different;
Beneath ravaged skin
We are the same -
Human flesh, blood and bones,
Lipid structures and genome codes.

These scars stretched smiling up
At me
Scrawled across in angered haste
Once unblemished, now unchaste
Skin.

Life happened
To me and you and
Changed you .
I’m the stone of Gibraltar -
Albeit weathered down, eroded,
Storm struck and corroded.

Poisoned veins and twisted thoughts I embrace
While you walk away and make your escape.