The pills do not work like promised,
For the thoughts still remain.
They have accomplished little,
Other than to drive me insane.

I feel myself becoming emotionless,
The medication smothers my ability to feel.
It helps me to endure this situation,
But it allows no room to heal.

But these blue pills, at least they are something,
Something to ease my suffering.
These many bad nights have left me terrified,
For I am prone to shuddering.

Having hindered emotions
Is better than feeling anxious or depressed.
So I will take this treatment even if
Happiness also suffers in the pursuit of rest.

She assaults me with words and feelings I can't deal with and then says I should thank her more often
Sure let me thank you for breaking my clean
Let me thank you for making me want to cut
Yes please I would like to spend my day looking for razor blades
Thank you for making me throw up
Thank you for the nightly tears
The yelling
The fighting
The blaming
The self hate
Thank you mother for giving me my depression on a silver platter
And then asking me to thank you

last night
dreams of neatly packaged anxiety
neatly parceled into my worst fears
planted themselves, grew their roots during my sleep.

i dreamt of irreparable scarring
a face no one could love
the pity of strangers
grief painted across my face in streaks of angry red
dry skin
red like your mother's old tea kettle
crackling like newsprint on a windy day

when you feel as if you are fighting a losing battle
with your own flesh
there is only so much war to be waged
face defeat.
skin will never be her flawless porcelain
will burn as deeply as your shame.
your teeth slightly crooked
sugarfree gum packed into a hesitant casing
leaning as if trying to escape the only mouth they will ever know

in an age of daylily smiles
women sculpted by their own reassurance
will you ever see my smile beyond all that i am not?

Some people say I"ll love you until the day I die,
I say I'll love you long after I reach the sky.
I'll love you even after the whole world crumbles,
When dark is the day and the still night trembles.
I'll love you even when there is no hope,
You are my strongest will to cope.
When the world's oceans begin to capsize,
When the birds are not singing their soft lullabies.
And when there is no space, no time, just nothing
I'll still love you, and you know I'm not bluffing.

Bad decisions but fun times
So does that really make it a crime?
I'm ambling but I think it is okay
I just am done getting used day after day

When mean vibes attack
You feel like you have to fight back
It is too late to fight the problem
So I took it out on another him

They are not all the same
Thus they are not all to blame
Bad decisions but were the times really fun?
No, not when you hurt someone