Finding What Was Lost                          1/12/19

I’m searching for something I’ve lost. You can’t help me look for it.
I can’t quite remember what I did with it. This thing that seems to elude me.
How could I misplace something so important?

I became complacent, that’s what happened.
What was an intrinsic part of me, not nurtured, left me abandoned.
If I call to it, it does not come like a puppy who has escaped the yard with its tail tucked in between his legs.
I have to show what I’ve lost, that it is of value to me.

“Hello?” please come back. I swear I’ll do better, and work harder than I ever have.
I know now that my existence is meaningless without this part of me.

Realizing this, I reach into the dark places of my mind for the light switch to flip on.
Recalling every detail about what I love to do, nurturing what gives me purpose.

Because, in the end, only I can fulfill this need.  
Reinventing, transforming, and evolving. Finding myself along to way.
Becoming a better version of what I was and, in doing that, embrace me.
Hello soul.

By.
Randy McPeek

Missing You.                                     9/21/2018

I sat and talked to you today. I miss those talks, and the way you would listen.
I knew I could tell you anything. Your advice was nothing short of just what I needed to hear. You knew I needed encouragement,  entwined with the underlying question "Randy, what are you doing to do? Are you going to let this beat you down? Or are you going to beat it? In case you've forgotten, you are stronger than you know". words I'll always remember.
What I wouldn't give hear his gravelly voice, and see that cheesy mustache one more time. When we would sit and talk, drinking coffee, sitting on the porch swing in Idaho. It felt like we were the only to people in the world that  mattered. In a world that could care less about me, you always had my back.
I wonder what it's like in heaven for you. Are there places to sit and talk like the poarch in Idaho? I hope the angels recognize a wise and decent man when they see one. Are you singing in the choir?. Your baritone voice booming so loud that the heavens shake a bit.

I sat at your grave and wished you a Happy Birthday.  My hand sweeps off the dirt , empties the old sludgy water, fills it with clear,and pops in a beautiful arrangement of flowers.
“I miss you,Dad.” I whisper..Then a smile comes across my lips as I repeat the line I used to tease you with “Our father who art in heaven, HOWARD be thy name"..

By,
Randy McPeek

My Broken Life

I am a mask, trying to conceal all the pain I'm in.
On the surface I may seem perfectly happy, with a job, home, and family.
However, I can say with certainty that my life is far from perfect.
I compartmentalize my actions based on the needs of the moment. I am removed from it all, coping.
What I carry around inside me, not being okay, is almost too much to bear...but I do it.

The problem is me. It's always been me.
Memories alone can break a person's spirit.
I think if I committed suicide that I wouldn't go to heaven. The one place I believe I would be happy.
If there is a purgatory, I am in it. It's called life.
My broken life.

Randy Mcpeek

Rocky Knows

Can there possibly be,
any more of a good-natured and
devoted friend than my big, brown dog named Rocky?

My dog; all he has ever known is my care.
In return, he has within
Him only one driving passion and desire,
to live along side and please me.

My boy is not petty, he does not hold any grudges.
He seldom nags, and never talks too much,
In short,He is the perfect friend.

Other than a hopeful encouraging gaze,
Two times a day, like clockwork,
He comes for food.
Rocky does not require much from me.
Except to be protected, loved
And treated fair.

Oh sure, he also lets me know when,
he needs to go outside to do his Duty.
Now that is so much more preferable,
to that other unpleasant option.
How **** smart is that?
Sometimes I don't even know,
when I have to go to the bathroom,
And I'm an intelligent human.

At least once a day, he
conspicuously stands at the
door, looking to go outside,
for a little exercise.
And gently reminds me,
that a brisk walk would
do me more good, than him.

I can sometimes be a little down,
When along comes my canine therapist,
And lets me bury my face in his soft fur,
drying my tears. Such is his nature.

Even merely going out to my car,
for five minutes,
When I return, I'm excitedly, and
lovingly greeted with a toy, as if
I'd been gone forever.

If I could hook up,
Rocky’s gyrating, maniacal tail,
to my house electricity,
no utility' bills would ever need to be paid.

Sometimes I swear,
that old boy of mine,
is actually smiling.

I like people just fine,
but I must honestly admit,
in the company of my dog,
I am completely content.

Sure, I occasionally I seek the
companionship of other humans,
As long as my dog,
can come along,
and attend the party, too.

When I was a child,
My father was never around much..
It was in the company of my first dog.
that I truly understood,
that dogs are people too.
Much smarter than
people give them credit for.

The only sad part
to this compatible pairing,
this marriage of the heart,
is that I must outlive my best friend.

Love is love and
gone is gone
and nothing
can ever change that.
That loss has come
to me, more times
than I care to remember.
I weep and mourn and
swear to never ever,
suffer that pain again.

Yet,a sweet new
face with eyes that plead for love
can do wonders to heal
a sad broken heart..

Once more it begins.
I will open my soul
and embrace that precious
young face.
Searching behind the eyes of my new best friend
for a small glimpse of my boy, Rocky.
Remembering the look on his face when I told him
He was the best dog ever.
That’s what's important.
Rocky knows.

By:
Randy McPeek

How am I supposed to feel?. Facing my own mortality, like an unwelcome stranger. Lying just beyond the edge of my thoughts, waiting.

Will things change so much, or very little? Where is the moment that decides the direction?. Looking at some obscure image on a screen?. I'm trying to decipher it like an MD.

Laughing at the thought.

All the things I'm reaching for suddenly seem insignificant. What's important is now. The people you love, they are the ones that matter. Cherish them. What does it mean to have the world, and share it with no one? Back up..

Waiting…..

Prioritizing. Mortality is something everyone will face. What about God? Was my life designed before I was born? I think so.

Now. That's all I have. My dreams and goals have become most important. Not because I need to accomplish them, but, because they are what defines me. I am a unique soul, with a unique purpose.

Maybe it's decided already. I will let that stranger in...Uncertainty.
I lean in for the kiss of welcoming. Asking for clarity to understand, and accept.

In that moment, I embrace the life I have, and pray to the God I know.
Life will go on after I'm done.
In the end what matters is how well we loved,how fully we lived, and how deeply we let go.

Randy McPeek

Reflection

Sometimes I reflect on in my life, and, what has held meaning to me.
The simplicity of my childhood is gone, because of grown up responsibility.
The carefree days of my youth have all passed, I look back at those days and I smile.
How I’d love to go back and revisit those times, if only for a little while.
The long summer days I spent at the beach, and late nights spent with a friend.
I wonder what ever happened to those days, when I thought the party wouldn’t end.
My life has made me stronger than I ever expected to be.
Was it worth all the effort I made and did I see everything I wanted to see?
I can't say I have the answer for that, nor I've done aIl that I wanted to do.
In the end it's about not having regrets, and holding fast to the dreams you pursue..

By,
Randy McPeek

11/22/2017

You Fill Me With Breath              11/11/17

You fill me with breath and you take it away.
I still can’t believe how you opened my heart in a way that awakened my very soul.
In the beginning, it was not about romancing each other. I thought of you as a friend, and possible lover.
But the day came that I looked into your eyes, and I knew, the feelings I had were more than I expected, or wanted. It’s true.

We’d crossed the line of keeping it simple. Being together was what we craved.
As we touched, we felt a connection so deep that our hearts were enslaved.
Like paint mixing and swirling... it's beauty is not fully known until the picture is finished.
The things we experienced and brought us together were something we cherished.

When I reflect on how I feel at your touch, I close my eyes because the though of "us" is too much.
Pleasure takes over until I’m no longer aware.
Your fingers trace over my skin, igniting the desire burning there.
Fulfillment is inevitable, and we are one without restraint.
I feel your warm breath on mine...and it becomes clear that;

You fill me with breath and you take it away.


Randy McPeek

ROSES ARE RED

Roses are red,violets are blue. You think you broke me,but, I'm going to show you.
I'll come back even stronger than before.
Your lies and deceit don't affect me anymore.
I'll be even more confident, wait and you'll see.
You thought you could take my dreams away from me.
My belief in my abilities, but, here’s what is most sad;
You'll never know the diamond you had.
What was once in ruin is more solid than ever….after you tore me down.You thought you were clever.
Now who's the smart one?.I am, without a doubt. I've changed who I am, both inside and out.
I won't accept anything less than a heart that is true. The days finally come, I'm over you.
If you ever realize the pain you have caused, If you finally see how you made my life pause.
I hope you never hurt anyone else that deep. Because in the end, what you sew, you'll reap.
Someone else will come along, that captures your heart,and before you know it, will rip it apart.

Randy McPeek

Find a way    

I’ve been told so many times I wear my heart on my sleeve.
If the case, then maybe it’s what is most important to me.
I’ve been lonely for too long. What’s past is past, now it's time move on.
I’ve been hiding all my dreams of love away, just in case I could use them again someday.
What I really needed was some time.I had to  create a space inside my mind.
All I want to do is find a way back into love.

I’ve been watching, but the stars refuse to shine. I’ve been searching, but I’m missing all the signs.
I know that he's out there; the one that I'm willing my life to share.
I’ve been looking for someone to shed the light, not somebody just to get me through the night.
I could use some direction, and,I’m hoping you'll give me suggestions.
All I want to do is find a way back into love. I don’t want to make it through this life without true love.

So,if I open my heart again, I believe you will be there for me in the end.
There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real, or if anybody feels the way I feel.
I need validation, not just another negotiation…and if I open my heart to you, I know that you’ll show me what I need to do.
All I want to do is find my way back into love.  I just want to make through this life with one true love.
I know that it's my turn; my dreams of love are too bright to not burn.

By,
Randy McPeek

Apart from your world

Again I am faced with this bittersweet truth; I'll never belong in your world.
I’m on the outside looking in,and,I ponder how all this unfurled.
I met you and I fell too hard and fast, not knowing where all this would go.
We shared so much I was convinced it was fate; you too felt you’d never let go.
Our days together were filled with joy, it was easy to hold on,and believe.
We trusted in what we thought would eventually happen,how could we have been so naive?.
Like all good things the reality hit,and I knew my hope was a dream.
I saw the life you had before I was in it, the difference between us, extreme.
How do I fit in your life of so much? I can only give you my love.
Alone now at night I recall each kiss; your face looking at me from above.
You told me to wait and believe in the future, I wish you could see what I do.
Our life together is not guaranteed, could it all be just a rue?.
I pray for the day I'm not left waiting,and the love we share won't be hidden.
It's like we are characters in a romance novel where our passion is shunned,and, forbidden. I only know that I am devoted to you, even if just for a time.
Being with you has opened my heart, and what you have shown me, sublime.
What love is complete without great patience? I'm not sure that I know.
To say “Love is transcendent” embodies the truth. It is indeed, most apropos.

Randy McPeek
12/28/16

My Teardrops

If I showed you my teardrops, would you collect them like rain?
Store them in jars, and label them “Pain”.
Would you follow their tracks from my eyes down my cheeks, as I write the poems I'm too inarticulate to speak?.
Would you stop them with kisses,and,bring their flow to a halt?.
As you teach me that pain isn't always my fault.
Would you hold my face gently as you dry both my eyes?.
And whisper to me “You're too beautiful to cry”.
If I showed you my teardrops,
Would you show me your own?
Embracing my loneliness
Until I'm no longer alone?.


Randy McPeek

It's like a beautiful dream come true;
That The One for me in life is you.
With the cutest smile I've ever seen.
My muse is what, to me, you have been.
Spreading joy and happiness all around;
You are like a prince with an invisible crown.
I look at you and ponder my fate,
With you, all my problems dissipate.
Every moment is magical and feels so right
I want nothing more than to stay wrapped in your arms all night.

You filled up the places in my heart.
“I didn't know “ were empty from the start.
Your immense love depicted in every gesture;
Makes me feel blessed beyond any measure.

Life beyond us would be incomplete without you.
For every jigsaw puzzle missing, you are the clue.
Without you in my life, I would merely exist,
You are The One my soul can't resist.
Our lives intertwine,and together,we belong.
It's as if we are two halves to a beautiful song.
Each of us is a part of something greater than before.
I can't wait to see what our future together has in store.

Randy McPeek

The “Perfect” Man

He will get inside my head before he crawls into my bed.
He will be an articulate gentleman, but, straight up gangster when it’s time defend me.
He will kiss me in the club, but, beat up the **** that walks by me and grabs my ****.
He will be sensitive enough to read my poetry in the park, yet, adventurous enough to make love underneath the stars when the sun goes down.
He will not be a “Prince charming”. I don’t need saving.
He will be the beast that steals me away from the fool, and makes me understand what a real man’s touch is supposed to feel like.
You see, it’s not hard to be the “Perfect” man.  You will already be perfect if it’s meant to be.

Randy McPeek

Poets are..
Forgetful. But they remember everything. They forget appointments,and what time dinner is.But they remember what you wore,and how you smelled…
On that first date.
They remember every story you've ever told them- like ever. But forget what you just said.
They don't remember to water the plants,or to take out the trash. But they don't forget how to make you laugh.
Poets are forgetful.
Because...they are busy remembering the important things. Like how to love someone with all their heart.

Randy McPeek

I'm over you

Roses are red,violets are blue. You think you broke me,but, I'm going to show you.
I'll come back even stronger than before.
Your lies and deceit don't affect me anymore.
I'll be even more confident, wait and you'll see.
You thought you could take my dreams away from me.
My belief in my abilities, and,that is so sad.
You'll never know the diamond you had.
What was once in ruin is more solid than ever, dispite the fact you tore it down.You thought you were clever.
Now who's the smart one?.I am, without a doubt. I've change who I am, both inside and out.
I won't accept anything less than a heart that is true. The days finally come. I'm over you.
If you ever realize the pain you have caused, If you ever see how you made my life pause.
I hope you don't hurt anyone else that deep. Because in the end, what you sew, you'll reap.
Another will come along, that captures your heart and, before you know it, will rip it apart.

Randy McPeek

Mirror,Mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest one of all?.
“You,my dear without a doubt,
are the only one left here standing out.”

What about that deceiving prince,
Who left me broken ever since?.
“He's the smartest one of all,
yet a heart so empty and so small.”

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
Should I walk,or should I crawl?.
Should I kneel upon this ground,
Or shall I return to where I was found?.

“Maiden, Maiden on this land
And on this ground you shall firmly stand.”
“He may have entered your shielded town,
But he will never steal your golden crown.”

Randy McPeek

Since losing you

Since losing you, I have found myself.
I loved you so much, that I stopped loving who I was.
I’ll always remember how, the one who broke me, gave me such a priceless gift.
I’ve learned that when your heart is broken into a million pieces,
You don’t have to pick up every piece.
When I put myself back together, I saw someone different than who I was before.
The wounds slowly healed, and, I looked around at how far I had come.
The dark, lonely place where I was no longer appealed to me. I wanted out.
The light inside my soul still burned and I knew that, even though you no longer loved me, I still loved myself.
I loved myself right out of the darkness to a place where I saw beauty all around me, and it made me smile.
I realized that not everyone could appreciate beauty. I did though.
The birds singing, the smell of rain, a child laughing; these things soothed my soul.
I opened my eyes to what was in front of me.
You were no longer there; so I moved forward into the sunset of tomorrow, and the promise of a bright future.
I no longer gave you everything.
I gave it to myself.

By
Randy McPeek

I am inspired by life, whatever you may conceive that to be.
The good, bad,ugly, and that murky “grey” area in between.
I wake up each morning, and think to myself “What will this day bring me?”
Will I experience happiness, laughter, sorrow, grief? Life comes with no guarantee.
At my job, I teach children to reach for their dreams. I encourage, and tell them “Don’t give up!”
I see their faces when they learn something new, and, it’s like nothing you could ever dream of.
People that I know and I talk to each day, teach me about love and sympathy.
Without them, I don’t think I would know what it is like to feel an ounce of empathy.
You see, I have been jaded by what I have seen, and felt, each day that I’ve been alive.
I can truthfully say that it’s all been worth it for a life that only I can symbolize.
If I had a choice on what inspired me, I don’t think I would change very much,you see.
My life path wasn’t really meant to inspire anyone else, but me.

Randy McPeek

My Mother's Prayer

Sitting at my mother’s side, I listen to her prayer.
“Dear Lord, please keep your hands upon me”. (She thinks that I’m not there.)
“I know my time on earth is short, and, I’m ready to come home.”
“I miss my husband; I’m tired of waiting, and, I feel so utterly alone.”
“My youngest child is with you; please give her all my love.”
“It’s the memories of her that I miss most, and, her future I was deprived of.”
“Please watch over my precious grandchild. I worry about her so.”
“Give her strength when I’m no longer here. I want the best for her, you know.”
“Watch over my kids as they grow old, they are treasures to my heart.”
“I’d like to visit them in a dream, and say, we are connected at the heart ”
“I have tried to live my life the way that you would have wanted me to.”
“Although you know that I’m not perfect,and,I’ve made a mistake or two.”
“You have been my salvation, Lord, and savior to the end.”
“Prayer and faith have brought me through, I’ve grown to understand.”
“If you come for me this evening, my heart and soul will surely rejoice.”
“For I know there will be nothing sweeter than to hear these words come from your voice;
“Well done my faithful servant, you’ve served your purpose here on earth.”
“I have prepared a place for you beside me, and, it is one you have truly earned.”

Randy McPeek

Why Don’t I Hate You?

Why don’t I hate you, after all you have done to me?
I have never known anyone who could destroy me so completely.
I was blinded by the false vows you made of a future;
Only to find out you were nothing but an abuser.
I had no warning,you just suddenly vanished;
Leaving me to question, and,my inner demons to vanquish.
It took all I had not to curl up and die.
Instead I wrote down my feelings, and, gave permission cry.
In a letter addressed to you, I never sent;
I poured out my “Whys” until I was spent.
I acknowledged the future you told me was a lie.
It was time to let go, and, say my final goodbyes.
I struck a match, to burn my memories of you.
I watched the flames grow, and then it was through.
A piece of my heart died the day you left me alone.
I wondered how could someone have a heart made of stone.
I had to create my own ending to us.
I’m forever changed, and, I won't be so quick to trust.
I hope that one day I am able to forgive you.
Because in doing that, I can reclaim what I most value.
Myself.

Randy McPeek

What happens when you grow old?

Do you suddenly realize that you’re closer to dying than is comfortable?
Or do you see the end of your life as gratifying and inevitable?
When your child no longer needs your care, do you feel relief?
Or do think that obligation will always be present, underneath?
When you no longer need to cook for your family, or your mate;
Do you long for the days where everyone sat at the table to wait?
As you made a grand entrance with a turkey for the holiday;
You were the one everyone bragged about at work the next day.
When the time comes that you’re old enough to retire;
Does that make you happy,or, do you ponder all that you did not acquire?
Is there a certain age that all of a sudden you think time is short?
That you need to make plans for that final trip to the morgue?
Do you acknowledge and believe that you are no longer young?
And everything you are supposed to struggle with is done?
I hope that I go through my golden years with some grace.
That I recall having memories of living a life I embrace.
Because in the end isn’t that what it’s all about;
Not the things you acquired, but, the people you can’t live without.

Randy McPeek

Farewell to a friend

A friend of mine told me she was moving to New Mexico.
I told her I was happy, and, I secretly envied the fact that she could go.
I went to buy her a gift, along with a card to wish her luck.
Then I sat in my car realizing that a part of my life would disrupt.
The tears started to fall, as I thought of the times we spent together.
My friend was leaving, and she never judged me. Her words of wisdom would always be treasured.
Caught by surprise at my show of emotion, I signed her card and tucked it away.
Hoping that she would understand what I had written, and, tried my best to convey.
The realization that nothing is permanent, everything changes somehow.
Makes me both grateful, and sad, because of what life doesn’t always allow.
People we get to know, and to trust; well they too have a path they must follow.
Knowing you need to let go, and wish them the best, is a bitter pill we all have to swallow.
I hope that she knows that, because I knew her, I will always know this;
God made a diamond, and she shines more brightly than many I’ve known to exist.

Randy McPeek

The woman I see
I look in the mirror at my reflection, and gaze at the woman looking back.
She has been through so much in her short life, and yet her soul is still intact.
She has known love vast as an ocean, and thought her heart would burst from the joy.
As well as the pain from losing that love, so deep she felt her life was destroyed.
She has seen beauty so vivid and golden that all she could do was stare back in awe.
Along with the ugliness she’d rather forget; it made her curl up in a ball and withdraw.
She’s laughed so hard that her stomach hurt, and it took hours to cease.
Then cried tears that left her heartbroken, and numb, from feeling the bottomless grief.
At times she’s been brave, and overcome doubt, to be stronger than she once was.
That very next breath been afraid to do something, and make an error she couldn’t whitewash.
She’s become quite a woman from living her life, and, she has gained so much intelligence.
Yet she’s also been a fool, and brutally reminded, she still has immense incompetence.
The woman I see looking back from the mirror is true deep down to her soul.
I applaude her and believe that, no matter what happens, she is still more precious than gold.

Randy McPeek

If I could write myself a letter, this is what I’d say…                      
Dear me,
Don’t blame yourself for what happened, it was not your fault.
You were a warm and caring person, to catch you wasn’t difficult.
He acted like he cared for you, that his love was real.
He was a man who didn’t exist; his true self well concealed.
You wanted to believe the lies, and, I know how badly you are hurt.
I’m here with you, it will be okay, but you’ll have to do some work.
Become stronger than the person you once were, I have faith you can.
Take the time to love yourself, it’s important you understand.
It was not because you weren’t good enough, that he left without a word.
He was the one who wasn’t enough. He is broken, his mind; disturbed.
This was a tough lesson to learn, this man never loved you.
You have the strength to grow and learn, to remember your value.
Be gentle and forgive yourself, you were only seeking love.
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, or a bird that becomes a dove.
Your heart will become whole again, and one day soon you’ll see
That all along the one who loved you most, and always will, was me.

Randy McPeek.

Getting the lesson

I think my heart is beginning to heal, I’m doing all that I can.
Writing and looking inside myself, realizing I might never understand.
Some people are meant to teach us lesson, however painful it may be.
It’s a part of life that happens when something is missing we fail to see.

Like a clock that isn’t working quite right,running too slow,or too fast.
Someone you think is sticking around suddenly becomes a part of your past.
Your head is spinning; your heart is left wounded, and still you have to go on.
The clock in your life just needed adjusting, with you there isn’t anything wrong.

My heart will keep beating; my mind will recover, even though it feels like a lie.
I believe and I know time heals all wounds,even though all I do is cry.
If I get some meaning, or value, I know I will walk away stronger.
The beliefs that I had, and things I held close, are standards I now have to ponder.
They say if you don’t remember what you have learned, then you’ll have to repeat it.
I don’t care to repeat this mistake; it would be just like stepping in ****.

Randy McPeek

Bittersweet, I hate that word
It makes me sad, its so absurd
For when its time to sink or swim,
I always drown from missing him.

Good-bys are bittersweet, he’d said
And left me lonely in my bed.
He wasn’t where he’d meant to be,
I’d beckoned him to come to me.
And as the sun began to rise,
He fled so there would be no lies.
And vanish…right before my eyes.

Then Silence, that I fear, begins.
I try to call, an endless ring.
I want to talk, but ,always cry
My anger is, in fact, a lie.
Outside his door, I can’t come in.
I fall apart…the Silence wins.

His good-by is Bittersweet, I know.
It follows me, however slow.
And creeps upon the love I feel,
Biting gently at my heels.
Fearing grief, I try to run,
Knowing soon the end will come.

I hate good-bys, I hate the end.
I hate to let the sadness in.
It makes me just a little girl,
Who clings too tightly to her pearls.
If I let go, my heart won’t beat.
From missing him, I’ll never sleep.
But here it comes, however slow,
The Bittersweet good-by….I know.

Season of Love

I believed you were the love of my life.
Your smile mesmerized me.
Your laughter infected my soul.
When I looked into your eyes I saw forever, and your lips made my heart melt.

In time, my love for you deepened.
I let you see the darkest parts of me.
But the spark in your eyes had faded.
My love withered at your feet like roses past their prime, no longer beautiful and sweet.

The silence in your words speaks volumes.
I feel the fire of love dying.
I have tried everything to rekindle what has been lost.
The magic that danced between us vanished under the light of the truth.

What was once a love I had never known
Now only lives in the broken pieces of my heart.
I may never understand, but, I have my memories.
That will have to be enough.
It’s time to close the chapter on this bittersweet romance.
Our season has ended.


Randy McPeek

Music to a song

I was sort of hoping,
that you would come along.
Like the answer to a prayer,
and the music to a song.

Like the kind of thing that happens
at a special place in time,
that will change my life forever,
like a fantasy of mine.

The fantasy was there before
I ever knew your name.
and now that I have found you
I will never be the same.

So,pardon if I look at you,
forgive me if I stare
at the fantasy I knew before
I saw you standing there.

For I was always hoping
that you would come along,
like the answer to a prayer
and the music to a song.

By

Randy McPeek

The Light

I’m feeling emotions I don’t want to feel,
praying that God helps my journey to heal.
The curtain has fallen on my happily ever after,
my knight was a man who crushed my spirit. I heard his cruel, mocking laughter.

Before my life changed, I had goals for myself. I once knew how to love me.
I believed in myself and what I could do, and my own happiness was key.
I didn’t need anyone to make me feel whole.
Self-confidence and self-love were already present, they were a part of my soul.

My light was so bright, I knew others felt it.They were drawn to its charm.
Then He drew me in with his promise of love; he said he'd protect me from harm.
Like a thief in the night he stole my light, his words left my soul bare.
I gave so much that now I am empty, and, I realize he never did care.

I can’t help but wonder why did he choose me? It’s just plain evil, I think.
Devouring light like a modern day vampire, until beautiful souls are extinct.

Randy McPeek

You are not your age,or, the size of clothes you wear.
You are not a weight,or,the color of your hair.
You are not your name,or,the dimples in your cheeks.
You are all the books you read,and all the words you speak.
You are your croaky morning voice, and the smiles you try to hide.
You're the sweetness in your laughter,and every tear you've cried.
You're the songs you sing so loudly when you know you’re all alone.
You’re the places that you’ve been to,and the one that you call home.
You’re the things that you believe in, and the people that you love.
You’re the photos in your bedroom, and the future you dream of.
You’re made of so much beauty,but,it seems that you forgot.
When you decided that you were defined by all the things that you were not.

Randy McPeek

You brought the shape of love to a land that never knew it...rotten and vile as the intent may have been.
Each tender word and touch was the kiss before the bite,
******* marrow from bones that loved you to the core.

Although the shade of you has moved on,the shape of that love remains.
The words you spoke,lines read by a terrible actor,still hold power in a play that is done.
I will take their false shape,and fill it in with the real thing..
Directing my next play with passion all the sweeter for the pain I have felt.
Like spinning rotten wheat into gold..

Randy McPeek

If I could go back to the day we first met, I would have done something different that day.
I could have stayed home,and nursed back my voice. Remember things I hardly could say?.
My goals and my dreams would have stayed my main focus because I'd never left town.
By falling in love,the world I had known,changed me so much I have drowned.
The tears and the pain cut me so deep I thought my soul would curl up and die.
How could a love that I wanted so bad,make me question myself inside?

Was my love not enough? Didn't I give you all that I had,and more?
You were the one in my heart I felt  held the most promise. We had forever in store.
The telltale signs that something was wrong,my gut told me you drifted away. Nothing was wrong,you said I worried too much. Your intentions towards me hadn't changed.

I can no longer ignore,or deny it, my love because you mean the world to me.
If I could go back to the day we first met, I'd take back that one day,you see.
If there is some reason, a lesson to be learned,I think that maybe its this;
love needs to be nurtured and cared for,not taken for granted like memories fading because they have no reason to exsist.

Randy McPeek

Memories      

Memories, I have a few. I like it that way because it’s better not to think, or to feel, and most definitely not to imagine. I don’t think it was planned, and I pray it was never intended.
I prefer to think it was just bad timing,circumstances, and a twisted, mixed up, wrongly fused connection. Which burned out.

I knew it wouldn’t last, deep within my soul. I had my doubts all along. Yet, I ignored them and buried them, hoping so badly that our wires would tangle and knot, become one,and withstand the heat. Though, it was not meant to be.

You may have loved me in the beginning;but you didn’t stay to see the tears so **** hot they left scars down my cheeks. I remember the deafening sound your absence left.
The chaos, the clutter, and the betrayal. Those were the wounds left from the memories of days gone by.

You rejected me so I rejected myself. You were the drug that filled my veins,the obsession that filled voids. Spaces created from your absence left me shattered and discarded for all to view. I frantically grasped at shards, bleeding and in pain, but I held on. I knew that when I let you go I would sink into myself.

I remained that way, submerged until I couldn’t breathe,and then I had to. I broke open and the pain of the light scorched my bruised and aching soul. I tried to stich myself together, but, the loose threads faltered. I erupted, and exploded. The erosion left me weakened and raw.

I lay in the sun, and I allowed the wind and the storms to pass. I weathered all they gave.
After the storms, I opened my eyes. I found that your love had ruined us, but it hadn’t ruined me. I discovered that I was glistening, glittering, and glowing.

My insides, though burnt and fractured from the impact of you crushing my spirit, had crystallized.
You took away your love but what you’ll never find out is, you left behind a diamond.

Randy McPeek

I LOVED YOU
                                           
I loved the way I felt with you, I loved it when you called.
I loved it when we talk for hours, like time didn’t matter at all.
I loved it when you said to me, one day, I’d have your name.
I loved the way my heart swelled with pride, believing we felt the same.
I loved it when you called me “babe”, our hearts were intertwined.
I loved feeling like our souls touched; that we were of one body, one mind.

I loved it when, finally, I could think of you and not cry.
I loved the way you looked at me, when we had our last kiss goodbye.
But most of all, I loved the way you loved me, when we were new.
Because I knew the love was real, not surface, or pretend, a ruse.
I love knowing that, I’ll never love as deep, because of you.
I freely gave my heart and soul,not knowing what you’d do.
The hurt and pain will fade, but,I forever I’ll be scarred.
I will love again someday,but that is what’s most hard.
I’ll have to start by loving me,the one I think of least.
And in the process of my healing, I may finally find some peace.

Randy McPeek

Some of lifes greatest lessons I've learned, are ones that have hurt me the most.
How I could have been so naive,I’ve asked, and why didn't I know better foremost?.
Why did I not listen, when friends said to me, it was better I did not believe?.
Lessons taught,and learned on my own to this day are the lessons I grieve.

I let people inside my life,and to them, I gave up my unearned trust.
My willingness to give away something so sacred,left me completely nonplussed.
I did not understand,nor could I fathom, how people could be so cold.
It’s as if they looked at my trust to be garbage, not a gift for them to behold.

The lessons each one of these people taught me,were nothing like I’d ever known.
Yet through these life lessons, born out of pain, I know now I have grown.
As these people have come and gone in my life,I’ve learned to somehow move on.
The ugliness in them,transposing on me to become a beautiful swan.

Life lesson are precious,I’ve kept them inside of my soul,so I’ll not have to learn them again.
They are pieces of gold ,more valued by me, than the people who have taught them.
Looking back at the lessons, and those who have taught I really am grateful, you see.
They must have wanted the goodness inside of my soul,and from those people,I am finally free.

Randy McPeek

I bring you love and tenderness,
but,you say that I'm just like the rest.
My words you twist and second guess
My motives judge, my patience test.
'Til I'm unglued and bent with pain
and wonder if I'll go insane.

All this time I've loved you so,
and vats of tears now overflow.
Say white is black and black is white
Your vision's skewed and wrong seems right.
Your mirror's far too dark to see
that you're the one rejecting me.

I'd give my last breath, your life to save
Still you'd find fault with what I gave.
I need someone whose love is true,
I can't keep trying to rescue you.
Bare wastelands now where blossoms grew
I've nothing left -go start anew.

So spread your wings-be glad you're free
Be all the things you've longed to be.
I won't be there to weigh you down
Or keep your two feet on the ground.
And if you win,or if you lose,
I can't be blamed for loving you.

Randy Mcpeek

Never Again



Inside it feels like I’m dying, my fragile heart is once again hurting.
I wish I could give it to someone who, of my love, is deserving.
I want to shake my fist at God because he gave me this trusting heart.
I think it was meant for someone who could handle a painful discard.
All I wanted was a soulmate. A man that I thought loved me too.
He did not want the love that I offered. I could sense when ,from me, he withdrew.
I turned a blind eye. I trusted again that this time was real.
Then I saw glimpses behind the mask, the inevitable Jekyll and Hyde reveal.
Why did this happen? Why didn’t God stop it? This lesson is too much for me.
There should be a love investment clause, a "Get your heart back" guarantee.
Instead I must cry and work through the pain. It makes me not want to trust.
I look at the way I gave my heart, and I can't help shake my head in disgust.
If I had one wish that I could have granted it would be to have never met him.
I should have not given my heart at all because it seems like, in love, I can’t win.

Randy McPeek

Loves Power

I believe in the power of what love can do,and the influence it has on a heart.
At first you hold back, putting on an appearance that you're in control and your smart.

What you don’t know is love has no brain, therefore your plan to stay aloof
Is nothing more than halfhearted attempt to resist the feeling that love can produce.

It’s effect on you is one of extreme pleasure,you never want it to end.
You body becomes a slave to the feeling. Without it,into hell you’ll descend.

What was once an emotion you believed you could manage, turns out to be managing you.
If you’d been warned that your mind didn’t matter, tell me,what would you do?.

When you're in love with that someone you’ll stay to the end, whenever that may be.
In love you give out your heart and soul to somebody, hoping they will see.

That pure love is rare,a gift only a few beautiful souls will possess.
Words can be empty,but love can be felt with every kiss,touch and caress.

Randy McPeek


.

Loves purpose

To everything there is a season,my love,and our season is now at an end.
I am in the midst of shattered,and discarded dreams.
Gathering the pieces to sew them; I know I can no longer pretend.

I look back to when we first met,and love was like a river between us.
It flowed freely,washing away all my doubts,and I drank of it fervidly.
The river has now become polluted and *****,I look in your eyes and see your disgust.

We shared something sweet;I could feel your desire. It was exquisite to be so adored.
You compared my beauty to that of a goddess,I was the epitome of grace.
Then you grew tired of my wit,annoyed with my charms,the love I gave you was abhorred.

Im saddened it’s over;our bliss is hollow. I’ll pick up my heart and go on.
Everything in life fills a purpose,and the purpose of you has been served.
The next season I pray to be one of healing,and love's bitter sting in my memory, gone.


Randy McPeek

Make Me Want You

Touch me in ways that make me want you. Eyes closed,head tilted, needing you.
Trace slowly along the swell of my breast.Stopping to squeeze, tease, and continue.
Slide you fingers up to where I’m moist. Circle your finger around my sweet spot.
My hand reaches down to cover yours. I feel your fingers getting me hot.
I open my eyes to look at you. We kiss deeply, and our tongues start their probing.
My skin is hot from your masterful touch. I caress you,feel your ******* growing.
The thought of you inside me is heady .I want to cry out your name when I ******
I sense your need,your urgency too. I ride you until I’m spent,and collapse...
For the moment my longing for you is fulfilled. Our sweat pools and mixes together .
Touch me so good that I beg you to stay. No one else gives me such pleasure.


Randy McPeek

Tears of blood

I think that I am fading away,
Tears of blood are here to stay.
I feel them as they they trickle down.
Washing away my theory of the person I knew,and, the love I thought we had found.

Our love was never what I thought it to be,
I realized my error too late.
My heart, and my soul were nothing but pawns in a sick, twisted, game you called “Fate”.

I devoured the lies that you told me,
I believed in you from that first kiss.
Every word from you mirrored our synchronicity.
Who knew that deception,cloaked as true love, could manipulate and twist me like this.

When your mask came off,and I saw the truth
so vile, I could no longer deny.
I saw your cold eyes,and heard your cruel words blaming me,and I didn’t know why.

My kindness was evident,my intentions were pure,
but I ignored all the signs on the road.
All the hopes and the dreams that we talked of, turned out to be nothing but fool's gold.

My tears are now crimson,dark as my heart
I don’t know what’s real anymore.
Yet l still see a flicker,underneath the destruction, waiting for me to open the door.

By,

Randy McPeek

I dreamt of you

Last night I had a dream about you. We were together, as in the beginning
I was the Bonnie to your Clyde. Our laughter left my head spinning.
We talked about plans for our future. It felt so natural,and right.
Your voice was music to my own. We spoke of love's promise all night.

I remembered how it felt to love you. Your smile when you looked my way.
My heart became yours forever. Our love I would never betray.
I smiled when you called me “Baby”. No, there was not any pain in my dream.
In my dream our love was pure. Anxiety was foreign, I felt serene

We sat so close,and held hands. In my dream, we celebrated each other.
I thought I’d found my soul mate. You were my confidant,friend,and lover.
I thought to myself “This has to be real”. My senses remember each nuance.
The touch of your skin,the smell of your scent. Yet, it was love that held the preponderance.

When woke up,I shut my eyes tight.I wanted back into my dream.
I saw you fading away,taking our love.Then came the anguish so deep and extreme.
When I finally realized that it wasn’t real, I cried out,but you weren’t there.
You broke my heart,it was then that I knew.
My dream was really a nightmare.


Randy McPeek






.

Someday I’ll Forget

I don’t want to go through this again, feeling the tears slide down my cheeks.
How else can I cope with this knife in my heart that I’ve felt for years, not weeks?
I’ve tried to forget all the memories inside, the ones that you knowingly put there.
I curse the tapes when they replay us, and a time that I believed that you cared.
The anticipation I felt at being with you was like nothing I’d felt before.
I remember your smile, the looks you gave; touched me and made my heart soar.
As I contemplate the whys, and the “what did I dos?” I can’t help think it was me.
If I’d loved you more, or looked different, then maybe you’d love and you’d see…
My tenacity was nothing short of amazing, and you’d never known loyalty so deep.
Instead you tossed it away in the garbage, you must have thought my love was cheap.
My solace in losing your love is, now I’ll find someone who will cherish my heart.
The lesson I’ve learned is that I am worthy, and my soul is unique; a work of art.
One day I’ll stop and realize that I haven’t missed you for a while.
That day I’ll know that I truly am free, and instead of tears falling, I’ll smile.


Randy McPeek

Shall We Dance?

Shall I dance with you knowing again what will happen, if I dare?
Do I welcome you with my arms spread open, and curl my fingers through your dark hair?
This dance with you I remember so well because it ended with me all alone.
I was embracing the man I thought was my knight, only your heart turn out to be made of stone.
Around and around we twirled to the music, you whispered my name oh so sweet.
The promises made and the dreams we shared left me dizzy, and my defenses, weak.
I laid my head upon shoulder, and closed my eyes, feeling the rhythm of love.
The music was perfect and we danced as one, our bodies fit together like a glove.
Then it changed, I remember the pain when you stopped dancing with me.
I opened my eyes and you weren’t there, and I wondered why I didn’t see.
I was only a fancy, someone who caught your interest, for just a dance or two.
I had to dance by myself and learn to love me, starting over again without you.
Then again you appeared standing, looking at me with those eyes beckoning to dance.
I have only known pain in being with you, there was only the beginning romance.
It hurts me still because my love was boundless and my intentions of us were forever.
I’m sorry, my love, I know that I can’t dance with the devil and expect to feel pleasure.
I have discovered this truth; that it’s only myself I can dance with and be free.
The one person who really wanted me happy the whole time we danced wasn’t you, but me...

Randy McPeek