In the end
you're alone
and nobody cares
except your own
self's conscience
so what's the point?

I swore it to myself in a black room
Couldn't follow your lips, they could have led me astray
Inside a darker room
I found solace in repeating the same word
Repeating it ad nauseam
"Never"

I saw myself high
So high I could never sink to you
But you came to me, mirror that you are
And told me I was upside down

In light of recent self-awarness
I try my best to feel
less suffocated
by the instilled ideal
of forgiveness
and more accepting
of the primal, instinctive
need to express
what I cannot suppress

In light of recent self-awareness
I try my best to see
less of the drowning
nerve-racking
ticking
notion that is
The Moment
and more of the ambiently
serene concept of
The Present

In light of recent self-awareness
I try my best to be
less aware
and more myself.

i am sinking low
suffocating drowning
fast declining
poor health
in the head
and there is not much
that i can do about it
i wish
that this was a physical aliment
so that i could fix
myself, so much more easily
but i cannot see
the disease
but i feel it
******* hell do i feel it
within every last
single
membrane
of my war weary brain
it is so tired of fighting
as am i
as am i

You know not of what you do
It's a play in my thoughts that I act out where you love me and I love you
We have a bond irreplaceable and akin to the spark of a fire
Taller and taller the tips of the orange skyscrapers spread until they burn the sky with the lies in my head
I'm used to the feel of your fingers through mine though we've never held hands
The sensation of arms wrapped around me that aren't necessarily there
And when you said "I'm not that kind of guy," I couldn't help but cry
In my mind I've embraced you so many times, I kept asking myself how could this be my fourth crime?
All I can do is bite my lip and suppress the roaring in my chest of anger and distress
Because our relationship was a dream I had during a night where I never fell to rest

My anxiety is not me.

My anxiety is shaking hands.
My anxiety is imaginative.
My anxiety is sleepless nights.
My anxiety is never satisfied.

My anxiety sits on my shoulder.

My anxiety keeps me from making important phone calls.
My anxiety forces me to want to isolate myself.
My anxiety makes me cry over nothing.
My anxiety makes me cry over everything.
My anxiety tells me a C may as well be an F.
But my anxiety forces me to avoid important tasks I have to deal with. Everything scares me.

What am I so scared of?

My anxiety wakes me up vomiting.
My anxiety forces me to pull away from the people I so badly want to fall into.
My anxiety keeps me from living.

My anxiety makes me at least two to twenty minutes late everywhere because I don’t believe I am ever prepared,
so I have to retrace my every other step,
constantly checking and re checking.
Constantly doubting.

My anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through my mind.
My anxiety is a menace, a monster, a fish with teeth,
black yarn, lawn chairs sinking in the sand.

My anxiety rules me.