with you.
i remember you let me in the rotation.
i remember you blowing smoke up above us.
i can't remember how it looked but i remember it was hot.
i miss you so much.
i miss everything about us
i feel so useless now
so gone and done
i wonder if you ever miss me
i assume no

I heard you got into ecstasy recently.
i hate that you abuse that
i know what it does to people.
i wish i could talk to you one more time
stop you from doing these hard drugs
i miss when me and you would just smoke
i wonder why you would do this
i wonder why you said you were happy
i just want one more conversation.
i want to tell you that i care
that i don't want him to suffer
i just want to let him know i forgive him
and i'm sorry
i just want him to know i am always here for him
i want him to know i want him to be happy
i want him to stop doing pills and codeine
i want him to never do e again
i want him to stop acid and shrooms
i am worried that he is falling down a hole
i'm worried about the cigarettes he smokes  
i'm so worried he will die
i know he is suffering
i know he's a liar when he says he is happy
i know he is sad, and so am i
i just want one more conversation
before he's
gone

no passion
no love
no poetry left inside me
he's gone
now it's just me
nothing left

college
job
career
moving out
relationships
children
old age
A whole lifetime of possibilities stands before me now
only 18 and every choice laid out
an unknown abyss only lit by a candle in my hand
what will become of me?
what will I choose?
will my life be one to end early?
will my life be filled with joy?
will I become my best possible self?
will I be trapped in the possibilities and forever immobile?
what will my life entail?
a future unknown

three years of thoughts
three years of talk
three years of glances
always someone to go to
always someone to tell
now it's just quiet.
silent.
a few glances here and there
always livid eyes with sparks of longing
but quiet.
no more thoughts
no more talk
nobody to go to
an option destroyed
no words
just eyes of i miss you and a devastating acceptance
an acceptance of the quiet
a binding look between us that has only one term:
quiet

being alone
breathing freely
knowing there is no judgement
no eyes
except my own
a lovely feeling knowing nobody can hurt me
a divine force inside me not seen by anyone
A few moments alone with myself
I might be ok in this moment forever
never going back, always silent and singular
always a fresh breeze and the carelessness
maybe loving myself is just this
being comfortably alone, nobody in sight
As if I am the last person on earth
no option of loneliness

my life has just been waiting
waiting to be done with elementary
waiting for a boyfriend
waiting to grow up
waiting to get to high school
waiting for the pain to go away
waiting to just get past this year
waiting for people to love me
waiting for him to make a move
waiting for him to come back
waiting to graduate high school
waiting...waiting...
I don't want to wait anymore
I want to enjoy my life and not be waiting for the next part
I want to love this part.
I don't know how to stop waiting

Finally 18.
I'm horrified.

I haven't thought about you in
A week
Longest since we met
You just haven't crossed my mind
It's weird though.
I saw you today and I missed you again
And it was almost foreign, missing you
I wonder when I'll finally move on

When She made him feel small
Tore him down and sliced pieces of him
He would come to me and I would build him up
I would be my best self and make him feel big
When she would belittle him I was there to nourish his ego
I didn't notice it when it happened
I just thought there was something between us
But he just felt small
And I was stupid and I let him use me
Maybe it was the right thing to do
Build him up
But I didn't notice until it was too late that
I was small now
I was smaller than he ever was.
He had taken all of me.
I poured everything into him and
Left myself
Hallow.
Maybe one day someone can build me back up.
Or I could learn from his mistake, and build myself up.
No matter how long it takes.

Moments of it. Just a few moments.
Just a memory.
Seems like a dream now. I wonder if it even happened.
Once it was so real and in my hands.
Now it seems so far away.
Just a second on the bus I remember how warm your hands were.
I remember how you never hugged me.
How you teased me and challenged me.
I can't forget how you leaned towards me that night. Just looking at eachother, saying something I can't remember because you were so close to me.
I can't forget how you leaned in and I should have kissed you.
I remember it. And now it comes back every once in a while.
Brushes against my consciousness.
I know one day I won't be able to remember you leaning into me but for right now it hurts.
You didn't want to kiss me. I still have pain.
Just a memory

Pull the air from my lungs.
So I can't speak
Cut my throat so I'm quiet.
Kiss me so I don't say anything.
Silence me, suffocate me.
Drain my heart.
Please stop me from saying I love you.
Because it would ruin.
Everything.
I love you.

I hate this feeling.
Like I'm trying too hard and bothering him.
Like I'm creepy and I need to go away.
I hate this pain in my chest.
It's like he's left me everyday since we met.
Sometimes the hate gets to my throat and my eyes
Sometimes the hate spills out.
It feels like he has hated me since the first moment we spoke.
fear of adulthood and the fear of being alone.
Or of being hated.
I've never had anybody so when you started talking to me I took it seriously and clung to you.
Then when you changed your mind and said you hated me, I learned to hate myself
I took your disinterest in me as a sign.
then when we messed around I took it as my life was starting and I could finally have fun.
Only to find out you were using me. And the hate reached a new threshold.
Only when I took you back as a friend only to have you date another girl did I hate myself the most.
Only then did I clench my throat in class to stop myself from crying.
Only then did I wish I could slit my throat and bleed to death.
Only then did I love you the most and feel the worst about myself.
Because you loved her after a month of knowing her and all you've done is hate me all this time. Because she gets the best parts of you and I get blocked, and hated.
Hate spills onto my cheeks and onto the floor.
Hate clouds my eyes and comes out through my pores.
Hate fills my lungs and my heart instead of you anymore.

And now I don't have anybody. I wish I could replace him just have someone to take up the space. Because there's this huge space in my life that was so full when we were together. That's why I let him go on for so long he just made me feel so great about myself and my future and I was excited when I was with him and it was real and now I just have nothing. He just moves on with the next girlfriend and I'm just empty again

Sit in my car with my friends
Mind so far from you
Then
You're ahead, but I don't know that
Your girlfriend comes up to the window of a car in front of us
Just as I've convinced myself it's not you she's talking to
,
You lean out of the window
Your lips
On hers
On and on I can't tear my eyes away
Like a car wreck but I'm the one crashing
Affection I craved that you gave to her
Right
In front of me.
It's easy to forget our conversations when I see you love her
What we had pales, no it dies compared to just a single kiss with her
Something that overtakes my mind every second of everyday is nothing at all.
Your lips
On hers.
Only tears on mine.
Only screams on mine.
Only.
Once I thought you loved me.
Once I thought we were everything.
Then
I saw you kiss her
And lay your head on her chest
I saw you give her everything and realized how little you gave me.
Realized how much I missed.
Months of trying to get over you destroyed
Just
Seeing your lips
On hers

One second of seeing you and I'm in the bathroom smoking
So stressed and upset I need a hit
One moment seeing you happy without me and I need to get away
I need to smoke and
Forget

Choosing to finally stop feeling so bad for myself
Cut people out that hurt me
Choose to leave
Choose not to hurt
Choose a future
Choose to hope
Choose my life
Choose myself for once

Or depressed?
This never ends, it's interrupted by moments of being
Ok. Returning every time.
"You're just heart broken" then why does every bone in my body miss a person who only hurt me.
If only my heart were broken.
Instead it's my mind.
"You don't know my pain"
You don't know mine, a special kind of weakness and loneliness.
Maybe it's temporary but my friends make fun of me
The ones closest to me put me down
Maybe I don't know what I am

The school bathroom
The darkest stall
Standing trying to stop shaking
Tears enough to ruin my face
Sobs loud enough to make everyone leave
Thoughts of you kissing her
Pure defeat

Just the fat girl. The one nobody really likes. They all say hi and humor me but in the end, I'm nobody.
I'm nothing. I'm meant to be ignored.
I'm meant to be alone.
I'm meant to be replaced and forgotten.
Just dirt. Just an end. Just a mistake. I thought if I ended things between us I could get over you
But my happiness only lasted a moment
Then my jealousy rises from my stomach
I'm thinking about suicide letters
Fighting with my friends
Getting put down and mistreated
Just a second longer
Just another year
Just another person telling me I'm too much
Not enough
Nothing at all
Thinking about ways to end it all
Thinking about what to say to my mother
To my sister
To my 11 year old brother
To you.
Just one more.

Today I thought I might connect our dots.
I might smile. Maybe with you.
Then you looked right past me, dead eyes.
Alive in another world with another girl.
You forgot me, you let me go.
So our dots stayed disconnected.
I decided to end the potential.
I couldn't bring myself to see you
Because I know I'm weak when you're near.
So I messaged you and said
I'm realizing a lot and there's stuff I can't forgive you for. To move on in my life I need to promise myself that I'll never speak to you again. It just isn't good for me. Just don't want you to take it personally, I still respect you. Just don't want to go back to anything, I'm a different person.
You were cold, and short.
I hope you understand that I wanted to love you
But none of this was right.
I need to move on.
The first step was to end it between us.
End all the memories, good and bad.
End all the possibilities and all the feelings.
End all our chances.
I pray I was right to end this. Please let me be right.
Please tell me our dots weren't meant to connect.

you stole something from me when you lied
i believed you
i trusted you with everything in me
i didn't doubt you at all
you threw it all in my face.
broke me bit by bit, lie by lie
made me feel stupid for being so blind
you embarrassed me
trapped me
convinced me you were changing
only for me to learn your only change was me
you were getting rid of me
throwing me away
tricking me into thinking you were good and new
when really you just got tired of me
i wish you had just told me the truth
that i'm annoying and a burden to you
i wish i didn't feel this
i would do anything to tell you
but then you would lie and i know that
i would
believe you

Am I here? Is anyone here?
Can you feel me cry?
I wonder when it gets better
Should I snort some life?
Should I judge myself
Tiring love and hateful glances
why won't you love me?
who am I? Am I here or am I gone?
does anything matter

"i care about you
you're pretty
i love you
i want you
of course i care
i'm sorry
we'll always be friends
never again
you mean so much to me
never be more than friends
i hate you
you're disgusting
i used you
we can never be friends again
i ******* hate you
you're fat
you're ugly"
i will never know how you really feel

pushing through the crowd
vision twisting and reality altered
i turn around to check if you're still behind me. everyone slowly moving
body parts mended with the crowd
looking behind me and making eye contact to see you're still following me
smoking together
laughing and staying together
our minds were attached
i was in love with that life
for you to deny that...
i feel like i'm something easily forgotten
you forgot me with ease
what we had was nothing to you
to me, it was everything in the world
i miss the way you looked at me in the middle of those parties
i still turn sometimes to see you
only to see
you're gone

my dreams are only you
i wake with an ache and a pain in my chest with your name
your smile on my eyes
your laugh echoes in my chest
then i see you..with her
somehow i'm never out of tears
never ending and lustful i'm stuck on you
when i'm finally alone, all i can do is weep
weep for an opportunity missed
weep for a soul lost
weep until i'm asleep and you fill my dreams again

I'm living the same day over and over.
The same slights and conversations
I miss your spontaneousness
Every day tires me and steals my passion
I was a goddess of energy and care with you
I really don't know how long has gone by
All my days mend together and clash
My spirit is dead and my eyes are closed
You always had me on my toes
I miss your eyes, deep brown with a twinkle of a lie
You made me feel like I was beautiful
Every day is the same, horrible, dead day
I miss the life you filled me with
I feel like I'm stuck on an endless loop of punishment
I need you back in my life